I've always known
by Cookiemonster311
Summary: Meredith and Derek never slept together. Instead, they became friends. Good friends. In fact, he even hangs out with her and the other interns. But when an old friend and an old flame come to Seattle, Derek will be forced to question what he has made for himself there. And in the end, he may lose everything. Everything he's always wanted, and everything he didn't even know he had.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Rating is K+ as there is some swearing, but I don't think there is anything else to worry about. My apologies if you think I applied the incorrect rating.**

 **Dedication:** This is dedicated to the reader of my previous Grey's fic who really wanted a MerDer ending, but never got it. I said I would write one, so here is chapter one of your story. Sorry it took so long to get it up for you.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Grey's Anatomy.

Chapter 1

Derek was sitting at one of the outdoor cafeteria tables with Meredith and the other interns that belonged to Dr. Bailey. It hadn't taken long for him to become fond of them, especially when Meredith was always hanging out with them. Because that meant he was hanging out with them too. Alex, Cristina, George and Izzie were all so different, but they managed to keep the balance within their friendship. At first Derek had felt weird hanging out with a bunch of interns instead of the other attendings, or even senior residents, but he had gotten used to it. They were Meredith's friends, so they were his friends.

It had been a busy morning for all of them as they were in a skills lab, and Derek was very amused at all their different reactions to it. It had been held by Dr. Webber so they wanted to look good for him, but Izzie and George were concerned that they had messed up and had looked foolish. Cristina was sure that she had blown the chief away while Alex thought he did pretty good but could have done better. Derek looked to Meredith who had yet to have said anything on the subject.

"What did you think, Meredith?" he asked her, drawing the others' attention to her. She looked around at all of them and sat up straighter.

"It was okay, but it was kind of boring." She said flatly. Derek chuckled and she threw her hands up. "It's not my fault! You're the one who has the best skills labs." She told him. He smirked at her words, but didn't say anything.

Cristina cleared her throat and looked like she was prepared for a battle. "I'm sorry, but are you trying to say that his labs are better than Burke's? Because they so aren't. He has all the best labs, hands down." she said, finishing by smacking her hand down on the table.

Everyone laughed and Cristina leaned back in her chair looking annoyed. Derek was about to say something but his pager went off. He quickly looked at it and stood. "I've gotta go. One of my patients needs to go back to the OR." He said to everyone at the table. Tucking his pager back into the little clip on the waistband of his scrubs, he put a hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"I'll see you later." was all he said before taking off. Meredith had nodded but wasn't sure if he'd seen it. When she looked back at her friends, they all seemed to be hiding a smirk. Meredith glanced from face to face and seemed to draw the same expression from all of them. She looked at Cristina and cocked an eyebrow. "What?"

Cristina shook her head. "Oh, nothing. Just wondering when the two of you are going to cut the crap."

Meredith wasn't surprised by her answer. She had heard all of this from them before. "I told you guys I don't like him like that. He's a friend. That's it."

As soon as she stopped speaking Izzie jumped in. "Sure Meredith. If you say so."

Meredith glared at her and they laughed. After a few seconds Alex made a sort of 'quiet down' gesture with his hands. "Guys, guys, stop. If Meredith doesn't like the guy then there's no need to tease her about anything."

Meredith looked at him gratefully, but dropped the expression when Izzie spoke again. "Which is exactly why we _are_ teasing her."

They all laughed and Meredith rolled her eyes. She'd heard this from them probably about fifty times and they never seemed to let it go. Only George seemed to leave her alone about it. Ever since Derek had started hanging out with them they thought that something else was going on with the two of them. And every time Meredith insisted there wasn't. And that was the truth.

The night before she started at the hospital, Meredith had ditched the intern mixer and went to the bar across the street, which was the same thing Derek did a little while later. He recognised her from earlier that night so they started talking. As the night went on they clicked really well and became friends. At first, they only hung out by themselves, but then they worried about what people might think of that. That was when she introduced him to the others as her friend. It was weird for a bit, but now he was one of them. Except for the fact that he was an attending, not an intern.

"You guys really need to get a life. Nothing is ever going to happen with me and Derek. So get over it."

Without letting any of them say anything else, Meredith got up and grabbed hers and Derek's abandoned lunch trays and walked away. As she did so she could hear the chattering of her friends behind her, but chose to ignore it. At first she had liked Derek, but it was obvious he didn't feel the same way, so she moved on and forgot about it. But with her friends always making comments about the two of them it was hard to keep the feelings she'd had away. But whenever she questioned her feelings towards Derek, she just thought of how bad it would be if they did get together and it didn't end well. That kept her from thinking about it too much.

But sometimes she couldn't help but wonder if he had ever had those same feelings for her.

 **A/N: Sorry this chapter was short, I'm just trying to ease in to the story. I hope you liked it though, and I'll update soon. -S**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy

Today Meredith was covering the ER with a few other interns she didn't know. She went there immediately after leaving her friends, even though their lunch break wasn't over yet. She had had enough of their comments about her and Derek and needed to get back to work. It ended up being a good thing though, because she got to jump on a major case. A guy came in with a grade three liver lac, a seriously damaged leg, and a head wound after being hit by a car. She scrubbed into the surgery with Dr. Bailey, someone from ortho, and Derek had swung by to check out the guy's cranial fracture.

By the end of the surgery the guy – who was currently a John Doe because he had no ID on him – had come out with a repaired leg, a repaired cranial fracture with no brain injury or swelling, and a liver that would heal up soon. Dr. Bailey said he was lucky they'd gotten to him when they did or his liver probably would have been worse. When Meredith had scrubbed out there was only thirty minutes left in her shift, so she went to deal with the patient's post-op. While she was doing so, Derek came to check on his neurological state.

He walked in to the room and Meredith smiled at him, then continued to scribble some things down on the patient's chart. "How was the surgery after I left?" he asked as he checked John Doe's pupillary response. Meredith shut the chart and looked up at him.

"It was pretty good. Dr. Bailey let me help finish up with the liver and it was cool how smashed up his leg was compared to how it is now."

He chuckled and Meredith smiled. "What?" He shook his head.

"It's cute how excited you sound about it."

Meredith laughed and stepped toward the door. Derek stepped up beside her and walked out with her. "Do you want to go get a drink or something when you get off? I feel the need to go out tonight. The others can come too if you want."

"Going to Joe's isn't really 'going out' Derek." she pointed out, laughing. He shrugged his shoulders and laughed too. "Well it's better than anything else around here.

Meredith rolled her eyes and slid John Doe's chart across the counter at the nurses' station to whoever was sitting there. When she didn't answer his question, he poked her arm with the pen he was holding.

"So, do you want to go to Joe's or not?" he asked again in the tone a child would use when they really wanted something. Meredith rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Fine. Just let me go change. My shift is over in five minutes and I'm sure I won't be needed in that time. Meet me in the lobby." Meredith turned left at the next break in the hallway and Derek kept walking straight ahead. He didn't say anything so Meredith assumed he was going to do what she said.

As she walked into the locker room, everyone else was already there, so she figured they had the same idea she did about the amount of time left in their shift. Izzie and Cristina cast her odd looks as she opened her locker, but they didn't say anything. By the time she had changed into the clothes she had arrived in this morning, they were still looking at her funny but never said anything. Becoming annoyed, Meredith looked at them and raised her eyebrows. "What?"

Izzie and Cristina looked at each other then back at her, and Izzie spoke. "Nothing. You just seem weird."

"Weird?" Meredith asked, slightly confused by what she meant. Izzie shrugged and Cristina spoke. "You wanna do something tonight Mer?" she asked, even though it sounded like she already knew Meredith had plans. She hesitated, then answered.

"I'm already doing something. Another night?"

Instead of answering her question, Cristina crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. "Oh. What are you doing?" she asked teasingly.

Meredith grabbed her bag from her locker and shut the door, then turned back to Cristina and the others. "I'm going to Joe's with Derek. He said you guys can come if you want."

Alex smirked and chuckled, then jumped into the conversation. "I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm good. I don't really want to crash your date with Shepherd."

Cristina nodded and Izzie laughed. Meredith rolled her eyes. "It's not a date. You guys need to stop saying stuff like that. I've told you plenty of time that we are just friends."

Izzie spoke sarcastically. "Of course you are, Meredith. That's why you guys share these looks, and seem sad when the other isn't around, and go out all the time, and laugh together and- "

"I think she gets it, Izzie." George cut in with a harsh and defiant tone. He hadn't been part of the conversation until now. In fact, he'd barely said a word all day. Meredith was worried. George was a quiet person, but he wasn't usually _this_ quiet. Izzie on the other hand seemed annoyed by what he said, but she stayed quiet.

Cristina looked back at her. "Go, Meredith. We'll see you tomorrow." Meredith gave her a look that asked if she was sure, to which Cristina responded by nodding her head. Without saying anything else, Meredith left the locker room and headed for the lobby.

~0~

Meredith had seemed distracted. Ever since she met Derek down in the lobby she was acting different than she had been all day. He wondered if it had anything to do with her friends not coming with them. Lately she had seemed more comfortable when they were all together, rather than like before when she was just with him. He thought about asking her what was wrong, but decided against it because he knew that she would say she was fine and get mad when he asked if she was sure. However when she was completely ignoring the glass of alcohol sitting in front of her, he asked anyway. It wasn't like her to do that.

"Okay, I tried to leave it alone but there's something wrong with you. What's going on?"

She looked over at him from her seat at the bar and raised an eyebrow. "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." She told him. He hesitated for a moment, knowing she was lying, then asked again.

"Are you sure?"

Meredith rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yes Derek, I'm fine. I told you. Stop asking me that." She sighed again and then propped her elbow on the counter and brought her hand up to her face to lean against it. Derek unknowingly smiled at her reaction because his earlier prediction had been correct. She noticed his smile and gave him a weird look. "What?" she asked, sounding and looking slightly annoyed.

"Nothing." He responded. Now she really looked annoyed.

"It's obviously something. What is it?" She dropped her arm and sat up straighter. Derek continued to smile and said, "Stop asking me that." in a somewhat mocking voice.

Meredith rolled her eyes and chuckled, then gave his shoulder a light shove. "Shut up." Derek laughed and shoved her back, more gently than she'd shoved him. "You started it." Meredith looked straight ahead instead of at him and said, "Whatever." Though she was clearly a tad annoyed with him, Derek could hear the smile in her voice without actually seeing it. When she looked back at him though, the smile was gone.

"It's just something the others said to me." She told him. He didn't need to ask what it was, because he was already pretty sure of what they had said to her.

"Teasing you about us again?" he half asked half stated. Meredith nodded. He sighed.

"Just ignore them. I know that it's easier said than done, but if you ignore it they'll eventually stop. It worked for me."

Meredith looked over to him again – she had looked away while he was talking – and she shook her head, looking baffled and confused. "I'm sorry, what?"

As soon as she spoke Derek knew he shouldn't have said that. He winced and mentally scolded himself. When he didn't answer, Meredith spoke again. "They've said stuff to you too?" she asked, her voice not only a little angrier but also a bit louder. He put a hand on her shoulder as a signal for her to calm down, and it showed on her face that she tried to.

"Of course they have. It's been a while since the last time they did though. It wasn't what they were saying that bugged me though, it's what they were assuming. We're friends and they know that. But because we were hanging out by ourselves before you brought me in to your friend group, they figured something was going on. They would say stuff, drop hints. But I shut it down by ignoring them, so it's fine."

"Well it hasn't been shut down on my end. The only one who doesn't seem to say anything is George." Meredith pointed out. Derek thought about it and she was right. Of all four of them, George was the only one who never had anything to say on the subject. It was only now that Derek really thought about it; Alex had mentioned something to him before about George being "hopelessly in love" with someone he could never have. He said that he's told George to drop it but also that he hasn't seemed to. It was at this moment Derek realized that the person was probably Meredith. It would explain why George never said anything about he and Meredith like the others did. It would also explain why he seemed awkward when Meredith would speak directly to him or they were about to be left alone.

He must have zoned out while thinking about this because Meredith clapped in his face to get his attention. "What now?" she asked.

He didn't want to tell her about George because he was pretty sure she had no idea even though everyone else did, and it wasn't his right to tell her. Instead he shook his head. "Nothing, just tired. I kind of zoned out I guess, as you already know." Meredith gave him a look that said she didn't believe him, but she didn't push it any farther.

Derek thought about everything the others had said to him about he and Meredith, and how they were saying those things to her too; and wondered why as well. When he first met Meredith, he did have those feelings for her, but was good at hiding it. But not anymore. Besides, she never felt the same. It was better this way. Only now he needed to get them off her back without them thinking anything of it, though that was highly unlikely. As soon as he tried to defend her from their assumptions and accusations they would think he was being a protective boyfriend-type, even though that isn't the truth. He just doesn't want her to have to worry about this anymore; he remembered how annoying it was when they were doing it to him.

But now that he knew they were saying those things to her too, he had to wonder what they saw that he didn't.

 **A/N: Thanks for coming back for chapter two. Not really sure how long this story is going to be, but stick around anyway!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.

 **A/N: This chapter is kind of short, so I hope it lives up to the quality of your expectations.**

The next day, Derek noticed that Meredith was acting weird. She was really quiet, almost as quiet as George had been lately. She was on his service and only spoke when she was spoken to. She didn't ask questions or voice her opinion about anything. And between the fact that she wanted to go into neuro and their being friends, it was odd. She didn't say anything at lunch either. The only other one who seemed to notice this was Alex, but he just gave her a funny look and shrugged it off.

They had to clip an aneurysm in a twenty-four-year-old man, which was done successfully. During the surgery, he tried to start a conversation with her, but unless he said something case related, she never answered. He knew that something was wrong, he just didn't know what. It could have something to do with what happened yesterday, but he wasn't sure.

At the end of the surgery, they were silent as they scrubbed out. Meredith was about to walk out of the scrub room, but Derek stopped her.

"Meredith," he started. She turned to face him and her expression was blank. He couldn't read her at all, and normally that was an easy task for him. She had put up some sort of wall that he needed to tear down.

"What?" she asked him flatly. He hesitated, not having fully thought through what he was going to say. He didn't say anything, so she raised an eyebrow.

"Are you okay? You seem," he paused, as he didn't really know how she seemed. She just wasn't herself.

When he did didn't continue, she rolled her eyes. It was subtle, and he only noticed it because he knew her so well. Anyone else would have missed it. "I seem what?"

Derek stayed silent for a few seconds. "I don't know. You just don't seem… right."

"Right?"

"I don't know how to explain it. You don't seem like yourself."

She rolled her eyes again, this time more noticeably. "Everything's fine, Derek. I swear."

He opened his mouth to respond, but didn't get the chance because she left. He shook his head and looked down at his feet. When he looked back up, he took his scrub cap off his head and walked out the door too.

~0~

When he knew her shift was over, Derek headed for the interns' locker room. He was hoping to either come across Meredith or one of her friends. He knew something was wrong with her, he just couldn't put his finger on what it was.

He waited outside the door for a few minutes and a handful of people had come out, but none of them were the people he was looking for. Finally, Cristina emerged, and she stopped when she saw him. He didn't even say anything, but when she spoke she answered the question he was going to ask.

"Mer already left. She said she was tired and went home to sleep."

Derek frowned and looked at the door behind her. He wondered if Meredith was still here and asked Cristina to cover for her. Cristina turned to follow his gaze and she grunted. "I told you, she left. She isn't in there. Believe me or don't, but she went home." Without letting him say anything else, Cristina took off down the hallway behind him. He lingered there for a few seconds, then went to change into the clothes he'd arrived in that morning.

On his way to the attendings' lounge, he passed George, who ducked his head and sped up, walking straight past him. Derek was confused, but George always acted strange around him. Sometimes he wondered if O'Malley was afraid of him, but he always passed on the idea.

He switched into his dark jeans and sweatshirt he'd come to the hospital in and made his way down to the lobby. He passed many people he recognized on his way down there, but none of them were who he was looking for. When he made it to the lobby, he scanned the area just to see if maybe she was there somewhere. He had no luck though.

Pulling out his cellphone, Derek dialed her number. When it started ringing he became nervous. By the third ring he had doubts, and when it reached her voicemail, he knew she wasn't going to talk to him tonight. He brought his phone down from his ear and exited the calling option. He sighed and slipped it back into his pocket. Hopefully she would talk to him – really talk to him – tomorrow. For now, he had to assume that she really was at home and that she was okay.

~0~

Derek still hadn't heard anything from Meredith by morning. He sighed and left for the hospital. When he got there, he didn't see her car in the parking lot. She could have come with George or Izzie, but from what he knew they usually carpooled with Meredith, not the other way around.

He walked across the lot to the main entrance and took in a breath of the crisp Seattle air. The weather wasn't as nice here as it was in New York, but he loved the air here. It always smelled clean and fresh. And even with all the rain, Seattle was still better than New York ever was to him.

He stepped inside and the soft breeze was replaced by the rush of people. He didn't mind how busy it got here sometimes. It reminded him of how things were before coming here.

As he stepped inside the elevator he got a page from the chief telling him to come to his office when he was ready to start his shift. He was slightly confused, but figured it had something to do with a case that wasn't a priority, otherwise it would have been a more urgent page. He changed into his navy scrubs then made his way to see Dr. Webber.

He walked up to Webber's office and knocked on the door. When it opened he was greeted with a smiling face and then ushered inside. The chief told him to sit, but he stayed standing.

"We're just waiting on some others. I'll explain everything when they get here. It shouldn't be too long now."

Derek was going to ask who he was talking about, but figured he would find out soon anyway, so he didn't. There was another knock about ten minutes later, and Dr. Webber jumped from his chair looking very excited. He couldn't fathom what the man was so excited about, considering nothing much happened around here that was worth this amount of excitement. He only hoped that he would feels as good about whatever this was as the chief did.

The chief opened the door and stepped to the side to the let whoever it was in. As he did so, Derek's jaw dropped. But the people who stepped inside looked anything but surprised.

Closing the door, Dr. Webber finally spoke.

"Dr. Shepherd, this is Dr.'s Sloane and Montgomery. You will be working with them on the Grace Mitchell case. Dr.'s, this is neuro attending – "

"Derek Shepherd." They simultaneously finished for him. They stared at him and Derek stared back. Webber looked back and forth between them, clearly sensing the tension. Without saying anything, he slinked out of the office and left the three of them alone. As soon as the door closed, Derek spoke, the anger evident in his voice.

"What the hell are you two doing here?"

 **A/N: So, this is clearly where the story really starts, as the characters that really get the plot going have been introduced. Come back soon for an update.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything.

 **A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews I'm getting so far. Glad you guys are liking the story!**

 ***Quick message for** _ **Patsy:**_ **Though this chapter is short, there will be some longer chapters to this story. I've already written a few chapters ahead and while some may seem too short, there will be some longer ones. Also, this story is probably going to be fairly long due to what I have planned. Sorry if the chapters are shorter than you would like to see, but I can tell you that the story will likely be long enough for your liking.**

Derek stared at the people in front of him. He was in absolute awe that they were standing in front of him right now. Before now, he thought that he would never see them again, didn't want to see them ever again. But as the three of them stood there, Derek's jaw hanging, he finally spoke. "What the hell are you two doing here?" he asked them, trying to sound as unimpressed as he probably looked.

They both opened their mouths; however Addison was the one to respond. "Dr. Webber just told you, we're here for a case."

"That's not what I meant." He snapped back at her. This made Mark take a step forward, and Addison looked like she wanted to stop him, though she didn't. Derek ignored the voice in his head telling him to call Mark out on that action.

"There's no need to get angry, Derek. Let's just do what we came here to do and go meet the patient, so we can start making plans."

"Oh really? Now you're concerned about plans?" Derek asked sarcastically, receiving no reply, though he didn't expect one. "Forget it." He mumbled before stepping around the man that was a mere two inches taller than him. The man he once called his best friend. The man he no longer recognized.

Derek pulled the door open and Dr. Webber was gone, so he was able to walk away without the chief trying to stop him. He turned when he walked out the door and began to make his way across the catwalk overlooking the main part of the hospital. He was almost halfway across when he heard footsteps behind him, but he didn't stop. He kept walking until he felt a hand on his shoulder and he whipped around to face the person. It was Mark.

"Look man, I know what happened really hurt you, but you need to move on."

"Move on. Really." He stated more than asked. "You're telling me to simply move on after what you did?" he asked this time, staring at Mark with exasperation. He honestly didn't know what he was supposed to do. He saw Addison approaching them, but she stopped behind Mark and didn't say anything. Derek ignored her presence.

"Yes, I am. Because as much as I know that I hurt you, and as much as I regret it, there isn't much of anything we can do now. So please, just forgive and forget so we can get started on this case."

Derek stepped forward and looked at Mark directly in the eye. "You'd like that wouldn't you? So that you can be the good guy again. And if I don't, it will make me look like the asshole," he paused, then continued after taking a breath. "Well that isn't going to happen. What you did was unforgiveable." With that, Derek turned to start walking away, but was stopped by Mark's raised voice.

"And that's exactly what you want. So you can stay the victim. But you aren't the only one that got hurt, Derek. And you would know that if you hadn't taken off the minute you found out."

Derek was a smart guy, and was usually good at keeping his cool. But right now, he lost it, completely forgetting that they were out in the open and there were plenty of people to witness this. Without thinking, Derek turned around again and took a hard swing towards Mark, his fist connecting with the other man's face. Mark stumbled backwards, and Addison stepped towards him. Derek heard a series of gasps.

Derek shook out his hand and Dr. Webber appeared. He looked between Mark and Derek before glancing around at the crowd that had gathered. Derek paid no attention to them, knowing the chief was going to give him crap for what he did. He held up his non-injured hand and shook his head, then spoke. "I know, I know – "

"No, you don't." Richard cut him off. He looked like he wanted to say more, but didn't. Instead, he looked over Derek's shoulder then back at him. "Addison, take Dr. Sloane and get his face fixed up." Addison nodded as she and Mark turned and began walking back in the direction the came from.

Looking back over Derek's shoulder again, he spoke to whoever was there. "Take Derek for an x-ray. A broken hand is the last thing I need from my neuro attending." Saying what he needed to say, Richard walked back towards his office. Derek eyed the dispersing crowd, then turned around. He wasn't at all surprised that Meredith was the one who Richard had been speaking to earlier.

Meredith didn't say anything before turning around to go down the stairs and toward x-ray, knowing Derek would follow her. And he did.

On the way down, Meredith didn't say anything to him. Nothing at all. He tried talking to her, but she never answered. It wasn't until Meredith had confirmed his hand was not broken that she spoke to him.

"You know how stupid that was, right?" she asked him sarcastically, chuckling slightly. Derek shook out his hand once again as she spoke.

"Yeah, I know. But you can't really blame me for doing it." He told her. As realization crossed Meredith's face, Derek stood up, not looking at her. "That was Mark." She said flatly, to which Derek nodded.

Wanting to avoid the subject, Meredith once again informed him his hand was fine. Sensing that she was slightly uncomfortable, he started towards the door. Just as he reached for the door handle, Meredith spoke again.

"For the record, I would've decked him too." Derek laughed at this, opened the door, and ushered her out into the hall. As she slowly passed him, he playfully shoved her out of the doorway. She laughed, and he followed her out.

The two of them walked back up towards the chief's office, bantering back and forth as they did so. When they made it to the lobby beneath the catwalk, Derek began to slow his pace. He knew Richard was going to be waiting for him in his office and he wasn't in the mood for the lecture he knew he was going to get. Meredith could feel that he didn't want to go up, but knew that he had to. And she was sure Derek knew that too.

"The longer you wait the worse it will be." She told him. He nodded in agreement, and slowly made his way to the stairs, Meredith beside him the whole time. When they reached the top of the stairs, he could see Richard pacing in his office, waiting for the attending's return. He kept walking and shook out his hands, this time with nerves rather than pain. He regretted what had happened earlier, but felt it was for the wrong reasons. He didn't regret hitting Mark, but he regretted where and when he had done it.

As they stopped a few feet from the door, Derek felt Meredith's hand fall on his shoulder. She squeezed it and Derek felt warmth flood through him. She released his shoulder and stepped forward, then turned to face him. He looked down at her and she offered him a light smile, which he wanted to return but couldn't.

"It'll be okay, you know that," she said sincerely, then began walking in the direction they had come from. Derek stepped forward, but stopped again when he heard her say "Just don't hit anyone else!" from behind him. He chuckled and said, "No promises." She laughed, and he listened to it fade away before stepping up to the door and reaching for the doorknob. He took a deep breath, turned the knob, and pushed open the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Nope. Nothing.

When Derek stepped into the chief's office, Richard immediately stopped pacing. He braced himself for the shouting and the lecture, but it never came. The older man simply stood there staring at him. Derek wasn't sure if the chief was trying to crack him into apologising profusely or make excuses, or if he just didn't know what to say. But he stopped trying to guess when Richard finally spoke.

"I don't know what the hell you expected to gain from that, Derek. All you managed to do was give me more than one reason to have you fired." He said quietly. Derek looked down at his feet and Richard sighed. When Derek looked back up, he had walked around to lean on the front of the desk.

"Listen, I know you have a past with them, and I know it isn't a very good one, but that doesn't mean you can go around punching people. You will be working with them on a case which means you need to put aside what happened. I'm not saying you have to like them, but you do have to be civil. And as soon as they're gone, you can go back to being mad at them. But as long as they are here, you are not to let this get in the way of the treatment of this girl. Do you understand me?"

Derek stayed silent, not liking that he was being forced to work with them even though the chief knew of their history. Having not answered, the chief spoke again, this time in a harsher tone. "Do you understand me, Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek looked up with his arms crossed over his chest. "If I say yes can I leave?" he asked, clearly unimpressed. When Richard didn't say anything, Derek took that as a yes. He dropped his arms back down to his sides, sighed, then said, "Fine. I'll be civil."

With that, Derek turned and strode out of the office. He didn't know where he was going, only that he didn't want to be here.

~0~

As Derek was wandering the halls of the hospital, he saw Meredith at a nearby nurses' station. He was going to head over to her, but the sound of his pager kept him rooted to his spot on the floor. He pulled it out and saw that he was being paged to a patient room. He didn't recognise the room number from any of his cases, telling him that it was probably the room where Grace Mitchell was staying. Knowing that meant he would have to go see Addison and Mark again, he let out an irritated and frustrated sigh.

He turned around and backtracked to the patient's room, taking a deep breath as he approached the door. He was slightly thankful, however, because Richard was there too. As he stepped in, the gaze of the young woman in the bed flickered to him. She held up a hand to those speaking to her and pointed to Derek. "Who's this one?" she asked, sounding nervous. The three doctors already in the room turned to look at who had entered. At this point, Derek had wandered farther into the room, stopping next to Dr. Webber, who introduced him.

"This is Dr. Shepherd, the neuro attending here at Seattle Grace. He'll be the one working directly with your baby's tumor." Derek smiled at her, pushing everything else that had happened that day out of his mind. He thought about shaking her hand, but she looked like she just wanted to know what was happening more than she was interested in who was on her case.

Staying silent, Addison started talking, capturing Grace's attention.

"So, now that everyone is here, we can get down to what's going to happen. You ready, Grace?"

She shrugged and looked at everyone's faces quickly, before settling her gaze on Addison. She shrugged, and Addison started speaking again.

"Okay, since Frankie's tumor is in her larynx, we'll have to do some minor reconstructions. I will be there to monitor her heart, and perform the C-section. Dr. Shepherd will be removing her tumor, and Dr. Sloane will be reconstructing her larynx once it's out."

Grace looked to Dr. Webber. "What about you?" she asked him. He cleared his throat and said, "I'm not a doctor on your case, but I can still be in the OR if you want me to be there." Grace though about for second before nodding. "Okay, then I'll be there." He told her, then spoke to Derek again.

"Do you want to run through your procedure?"

Without answering him, Derek spoke. "Okay Grace, to remove the whole tumor, I'm going to open up Frankie's neck. It will be a _very_ small incision, through which I will cut out that nasty little thing. If I get all of it, there is absolutely no chance of recurrence, which means no more surgery."

When he finished speaking, Mark jumped in to explain his part of the surgery. This was the first time he had spoken since Derek had entered the room. "That's when I'll come in to fix up her larynx. That tumor has caused some problems, and without fixing them, she won't be able breathe properly. Afterwards, she'll need to stay for observation for a week or so, just to make sure my repairs don't undo themselves."

"And the whole time I will be monitoring her heart. She will be brought to another OR after the C-section, and put under anesthesia for the surgery. We have the best anesthesiologist on this case, so she will be fine when it comes to that."

After a few seconds of silence, Grace looked back over to Dr. Webber. "And you'll stay with me the whole time?" she asked him, her voice shaking a little. Richard nodded, and she copied the action.

"Do you have any other questions, Grace?" Addison asked in a voice as sweet as honey. It took Derek everything in him not to roll his eyes at that. Grace shook her head and Addison nodded. "Okay. I'll be back later to check on you." she said, before smiling widely at her.

With nothing more to be said, the doctors left the room one after the other. Addison being the last one out of the room, she shut the door behind her. The four of them stood outside the room together, all looking rather uncomfortable. Feeling like something needed to be said, Derek asked a question he honestly had the entire time they were in that room.

"Richard, who is the intern on this case? Or did one not get assigned to it?" Addison looked at the chart to see where there was normally a name, but when she didn't find one, she asked the same thing. Richard shifted his weight from foot to foot, as if he didn't want to answer that question. The only one who didn't seem to sense this was Mark, who just kept staring at the older man, an expectant look on his face.

"Um, about that…" he trailed off.

"Did you forget to get one?" Addison asked him as if she had known him for years, like they were old friends. He shook his head at this question. "No, it's not that." He said.

Derek was confused. "Then what is it?" he asked.

Richard looked extremely uncomfortable, and avoided eye contact with Addison and Mark. When he spoke again, he locked gazes with Derek. "Dr. Grey is the intern on the case."

Derek felt his stomach drop to the floor as a stunned expression came across his face. Addison looked from Derek to Richard, then asked "Is Dr. Grey not a good intern?" with a worried tone of voice.

"No, she's excellent. That's why I chose her for this case."

Mark and Addison looked really confused now.

"Then what's the problem?" Mark asked. Richard looked around at all of them, his gaze falling to Derek's once again. Jumping in, perhaps a little too quickly, Derek said "There is no problem."

Mark and Addison looked at each other, clearly aware that Derek was not being honest. There was an awkward silence, that was made even more awkward by the sound of Richard clearing his throat. No one said anything, but they were forced to when someone else approached their group.

Derek froze, and Richard looked thankful that they had shown up. "Dr. Sloane, Dr. Montgomery, this is Dr. Grey."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: It's all Shonda Rhimes

 **A/N: This chapter is kinda short, and for** _ **Hitam1**_ **it should answer your questions. Enjoy!**

Meredith held out her hand and shook Addison's, followed by Mark's. She had a smile on her face, but Derek thought it looked forced. Richard spoke again, as no one else was making the move to do so.

"Meredith, I briefed you on the case, correct?"

Meredith nodded her head and Derek loosened up a bit. He was still frozen where he was, but he wasn't as tense anymore. He hoped Addison and Mark hadn't noticed this, but he knew Richard definitely had. The others had all started talking, but Derek didn't hear anything. It wasn't until someone shouted his name that he regained his focus to what was going on around him. When this happened, he noticed that the only person who was still standing with him was Richard. He didn't know where Mark, Addison and Meredith had gone, but he knew he didn't want her being alone with them.

"Where did they go?" he asked, but was not given a response. Instead, Richard started talking about something else entirely.

"I need you to listen to me, Derek. And I mean it. Meredith was put on this case before I knew about all the twisted stuff regarding your past with these doctors. I know she is your best friend, but she can't be while on this case. The last thing I need is another fight stemming from something that has to do with her involvement on this case. Please don't take it the wrong way when I say that you can't talk to her unless it's for the case while Mark and Addison are here. I just – "

"Why can't she be my friend while they're here? She has nothing to do with the problems I have with them and they don't know her anyway."

"I know that, Derek. But you can't say they won't make any assumptions while they're here if they see the two of you they way you normally act around each other. Rumors spread fast and I can't have anyone thinking that you two are involved, especially with how much superiority you have over her."

Derek shook his head rather violently. "You're saying I can't talk to her anymore because you're afraid of people thinking she's sleeping with me?!" he said in a hushed tone, not wanting anyone to overhear.

A stern look came over Richard's face. "No. I'm saying you can't be friends with her while you're on this case together. Can I trust that you will listen to what I'm telling you, Derek?"

He stood there silent, angry at what he was being told. He should be allowed to talk to Meredith. They were best friends, and everybody knew that, so he didn't know what the chief was suddenly so worried about. But no matter how much this upset him, he didn't want the chief getting angry at him – especially after what happened with Mark. So, he reluctantly agreed.

"Thank you for understanding, Derek. I know this is hard for you."

"I don't understand, Richard. I don't understand what this is about. But my _superior_ is asking me of something, so I feel like I should do what I'm being told." Derek snapped. He knew it was childish, but so was him not being allowed to talk to her. Before Richard could say anything else, Derek turned and walked away.

~0~

Later that day, Derek was walking out of the cafeteria when he saw Meredith. She waved for him to come sit down, but he just waved to her, shook his head, and kept walking. He didn't need to look back to see the confused and disappointed look he knew would be on her face.

He was on his way to check on a patient in the ICU when he heard footsteps coming up behind him. He assumed they belonged to Meredith, so he just kept walking, pretending not to hear them. It wasn't long before she appeared beside him. She didn't say anything at first, she just walked with him, not knowing where they were going. After a few minutes of silence, she spoke.

"Why didn't you come sit with us earlier?" she asked. It was a simple enough question, yet the answer was anything but. He hesitated before answering her. "I need to go check on a patient, then get back onto another case. It's been a busy day." He told her. He saw her nod her head out the corner of his eye, but didn't say anything else.

Suddenly Meredith seemed tense. Like she wanted to say something, but was afraid to. That never happened with them, so he was pretty sure he knew what she was going to talk about. "About the Grace Mitchell case…" she started, but trailed off, not continuing.

"What about it?" he asked casually, trying not to act weird about anything.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, I just… I just feel weird, you know?" Her question was obviously a rhetorical one, but the look she gave Derek said that she wanted an answer. He didn't give her one.

"I think I'm going to ask Dr. Webber to give the case to someone else. It doesn't feel right for me to be on it. I'm not the greatest intern, so I don't know why he picked me in the first place."

The fact that she didn't want to be on the case frustrated him. He wasn't angry at her, he was angry that she had been put in such a position where she felt like she shouldn't be on the case.

"No, don't do that. He chose you for a reason. You may not think so, but you're one of the best interns we have. The only competition you have is Cristina, and if the chief thought she was better for this case, then he would have chosen her. He isn't the type of person to do something on a whim. He picked you because he though you were the right intern. Don't let any doubts you have scare you away from that fact."

They stopped in front of the patient's room he was heading for, and she gave him a strange look.

"What?" he asked her. She shook her head and crossed her arms over he chest. "Nothing. I just… You would tell me if there was something going on, right?"

It was a strange question. They always told each other the truth, so it was odd for a question like that to come up in one of their conversations. But considering the events of today, he wasn't really surprised by what she said. He only hoped that his actions weren't reflecting on what Richard had said to him earlier. He didn't need Meredith thinking he didn't want to be friends with her anymore or anything.

"Yes, you know that. And there's nothing going on. I promise."

She didn't look like she believed what he said, but she didn't say anything else about it. He could tell she wanted to say something, but she never did. Sensing her hesitance, he rested a hand on her shoulder. With their sudden contact, her gaze came to meet with his. He didn't say anything, he just offered her a light smile, which was returned to him. He pulled his hand away from her, and her smile got smaller. It didn't really mean anything, so he just shrugged it off.

Looking down at her feet, then back up at him, Meredith said goodbye and walked past him. He turned his head to watch her go, and waited for her to be gone. When she was out of his sight, he let out a long sigh and leaned against the wall beside him. That was only their first encounter since what Richard told him, and he already knew that he wasn't going to be able to do this. Glancing down at the chart in his hand, Derek sighed. This was going to be a very long case, for many different reasons, none of which he liked. All he could do was hope that he could make it out of this with their friendship in tact.

And as he stepped inside the ICU patient's room, he hated himself for a moment for doubting that that could happen.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I think you know that only the story is mine by now.

 **A/N: This chapter is a short one, but I hope you still like it.**

The next day, Derek practically dragged himself to the hospital, dreading the day that was ahead of him. All incoming neuro patients were to be directed to another attending, as Derek was to be solely on this case. The thought of this unnerved Derek. Knowing that he was not only going to be stuck with Mark and Addison for days, but that Meredith would be with them too, and he couldn't talk to her as if she was more than an intern to him.

As he was making his way to the attendings' lounge, he passed Cristina and Meredith. They were still wearing the clothes they had arrived in, meaning they were on their way to the locker room. Meredith smiled at him as they walked past each other, but he just averted his gaze to the window at the end of the hall. He didn't want to come off as though he didn't want to talk to her, but that would be the easiest way to follow the chief's instructions.

Opening the door to the lounge, Derek was surprised to be met by the presence of the visiting attendings. They both stopped talking as he walked across the room, but neither said anything to him. He did what he needed to very quickly, then sped out of the room, attaching his pager to the waistband of his scrubs as he did so. When he was outside the room, he paused for a moment. He tried to listen to what Mark and Addison were saying, but didn't hear anything, so he headed to Grace Mitchell's room.

On his way to the elevator, he heard the whispered chatter of people walking behind him. He couldn't identify the voices, but when he found them to be following him, he assumed they belonged to Addison and Mark. That was confirmed when they stopped beside him while waiting for the elevator to come down. He stepped in when it arrived, awkwardly followed by them. Just before the doors closed, an arm slid in between them to open them back up. And, to his dismay, the arm belonged to Meredith.

She stepped onto the elevator and smiled at her superiors. As the doors closed once again, Mark cleared his throat. No one said anything. They had to go up two floors to get to Grace Mitchell, and the ride up was painfully long. Clearly not sensing the awkward feeling that had settled over the small space, Meredith said an uncharacteristically cheerful 'good morning' to Derek. He did nothing more than smile at her in response. Her face fell slightly at this, as normally he would have either given her an equally cheerful response, or teased her for the strange greeting. When the doors finally opened, Derek let out a quiet but grateful sigh.

The four of them walked to Grace's room in silence. Whether it was because no one knew what to say, or because breaking the silence would be more awkward the silence itself was, Derek didn't know. When they arrived at her room, Dr. Webber was waiting for them, an odd look on his face.

"What is it?" Derek asked, slightly nervous. Richard looked at the floor, then back up at him. His gaze flew to the four doctors in front of him, then landed on Derek once again. He stayed quiet for a few more moments, when someone else spoke up.

"Dr. Webber, what's wrong?" Meredith asked. He looked to her and he sighed.

"Grace isn't feeling too well. I want to wait a few more days before getting started. I don't know if it's the stress of all this or something to do with the baby, but I think she needs some more time." He spoke to all of them, though he looked at Meredith. As soon as he finished speaking, his eyes moved to Addison.

"I want to you to run a few tests, do an ultrasound or two, just to make sure the little girl isn't in any distress. If she is, don't let Grace know, and page me as soon as possible."

"Yes, of course," she responded, sounding like she was going to say something else, though she didn't. Dr. Webber stepped aside, allowing Addison access to the room. She slid inside and closed the door gently behind her. Turning back to the others, Dr. Webber crossed his arms over his chest.

"Shepherd, I want you and Dr. Sloane to go and create a solid plan for the surgery on Frankie. You may not be working on her at the same time, but you need to work together for this to be done right. There should be an empty collaboration room in the east wing of this floor."

Derek's breathing hitched slightly, and Meredith cast him a funny look that he pretended not to notice. Though he didn't say anything, Dr. Webber gave him a stern look that told him he needed to behave. Rolling his eyes, Derek turned and headed for previously mentioned empty collaboration room, Mark hot on his heels. When they were both out of earshot, Dr. Webber turned back to Meredith.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked, suddenly uncomfortable with the lack of placement for herself. Dr. Webber pondered it for a moment, but didn't look like he knew what to do with her. After a few seconds of silence, he took a small step towards her.

"I think for now you can see if Dr. Montgomery needs any assistance. Grace might feel more comfortable with just one doctor right now, so don't be upset if you're told to leave. Shepherd and Sloane need some time to work out their plan, so I don't want them to have any disruptions. If Dr. Montgomery asks you to leave just come see me in my office and I'll find something for you to do in the meantime."

Meredith nodded her head and Dr. Webber smiled, then walked off down the hall behind her. Taking in a breath, Meredith slowly opened the door, and walked into the room. Dr. Montgomery was writing something down on Grace's chart, who was laying in the bed half asleep. At the sound of the door closing, Addison looked over to Meredith. She didn't say anything, didn't even smile at her. She just looked back down at the chart in her hands and continued writing. When she finished and flipped it shut, she stood and gestured for Meredith to leave the room. Meredith did as she was instructed, and Addison followed her out, chart still in her hands.

"Dr. Webber told me to see if you needed any assistance."

Dr. Montgomery gave her a look that Meredith thought could only be described as a glare, though she wasn't sure why she was receiving such a look. She wondered if somehow, she knew who Meredith was, even though she wasn't someone Addison had any reason not to like.

"Give Grace an ultrasound and take down her vitals every ten minutes for the next hour. If there is any change whatsoever, I want you to page me." She said as she handed Meredith the chart. She took it, slightly stunned that Addison so willingly gave her this responsibility on such a big case. With her lack of response, Addison raised an eyebrow.

"You do know how to do an ultrasound, right Dr. Grey?" she asked in a condescending tone.

Meredith nodded her head, but didn't say anything. All that Addison said before walking away was "good," leaving Meredith alone to stay with Grace. Despite the sense of butterflies in her stomach, Meredith didn't think it was because of being nervous. There was something about the way Dr. Montgomery had looked at Meredith that created an unsettling feeling inside of her. And as the visiting doctor walked away, for some unknown reason, that unsettling feeling inside of her grew.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

From the minute Derek walked into the collaboration room with Mark, the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He could barely stand within five feet of Mark, let alone sit in the same room as him for who knows how long, forced to work with him. Mark clearly knew this, because he awkwardly walked around the table in the center of the room, not saying anything. They stood there in an extremely uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until Mark cleared his throat and spoke to Derek for the first time all morning.

"So, any idea how you want to approach… all this?" he asked, gesturing to the space between them. Derek was unsure if Mark was referring to the surgery or what was going on between them. Not wanting to take any chances, he jumped into his surgical ideas.

"Well, I think I can either remove the tumor by cutting it out, or burning it out with a laser. What it comes down to is which will remove it all without causing more damage for repairs, and – "

"You know that's not what I mean, Derek."

He hesitated before speaking again. "I don't want to get into this. Let's just do what we're here to do."

Mark took a step towards him, making loads of gestures with his hands as he spoke.

"Look, I want to move past this as much as you do, but we can't until we talk about it. Too much has happened to just move on with our lives. We have to talk through things before we can work together sensibly. If we don't, we'll only keep arguing about every little thing."

"Or we can just do what we're here to do, and then you can leave, and we'll pretend we never saw each other." He shot back, starting to become annoyed. He wasn't in the mood to fight with Mark, and he knew that would happen if they tried to talk about things. No matter what they tried to do, they always ended up arguing, and he wasn't in the mood for that right now.

Mark let out an irritated sigh and threw his hands up in frustration. "Shepherd, you know we aren't going to get anything done if we don't set aside our problems – "

"We also aren't going to get anything done if we stand here arguing, which is what will happen if we try and talk about things. Let's just work, please."

Mark cast him a glare, but sat down at one of the chairs at the table anyway. Derek did the same a few seconds later, already anxious for a break.

~0~

Meredith had spent the last hour doing as Dr. Montgomery had told her, without any problems. Looking at the results of the ultrasound earlier, Meredith found no problems or any negative changes from the one Grace had had a few days earlier. Though with the lack of anything to do but write down some vitals and other stats, Meredith found herself growing tired very quickly. Grace was asleep, so she didn't want to do anything that might wake her. She ended up sitting on a chair with wheels and rocked herself from side to side. Another ten minutes passed, and she stood to get a better look at all the screens and monitors that hadn't changed since she last checked them.

Sitting down once again, she began twirling her pen between her fingers in boredom. She had thought she would have been doing more, but on such a case it wasn't surprising that she hadn't been given any major responsibilities.

Unsure of how much time had passed, though it hadn't been a full ten, she heard the door being opened slowly. Figuring it was Dr. Montgomery, but not overly concerned about it, she stayed where she was When she heard the door close, she turned her head to see who had entered. Seeing as she was working with Addison, she was surprised to see it was Derek who walked in.

She smiled at him and for some odd reason, he nervously glanced around the room. After doing so, he looked back to her, a smile now on his face. Pointing to Grace to let him know she was sleeping, Derek nodded then approached her.

"Hey," he said quietly, then crossed over to her. She just smiled at him again in response. He stood behind her, watching Grace for a few moments. Meredith sat there with Derek's body heat radiating against her back, then she wondered why he was here.

"Wait, why aren't you with Sloane? I thought you were supposed to be going over your surgical plan with him?"

He didn't answer right away, he just took in a deep breath. Meredith knew this was going to be hard for him, but she'd hoped that he would be able to just focus on the work. Clearly that was going to be harder for him than she originally thought.

"Oh, I'm just… taking a break."

Meredith though about what he said for a minute. "From work, or from Mark?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. He could tell she knew the answer, and did nothing more than sigh again in response. Resting his hands on the back of her chair, Derek leaned forward.

"I don't know, I just… he kept saying he wanted to talk about what happened and thinks we can't work together properly until we do. But I don't want to talk, I just want to get this over with."

Sensing his distress, Meredith stretched her hand back and grabbed his, rubbing her thumb across the side of his hand. She felt him tense up for a split second before relaxing again. It puzzled her, but she didn't say anything about it.

They stayed like that until Grace stirred in her sleep and it was time for Meredith to write down her vitals again. When she pulled her hand away from Derek's he tensed up again, only this time she didn't know it. She scribbled down the same numbers she had ten minutes ago and brushed some hair away from Grace's face. She paused for a moment, looking down at the woman in the bed, but turned when Derek began walking towards her.

"She'll be okay, Meredith. She's just hit a bump in the path. Frankie will be okay too. I know it."

Meredith nodded her head and turned back to Grace. She looked down at her belly and thought of the little baby that was in there, hoping that she was okay. As though he could tell she was worried, Derek rested his hands on her shoulders and leaned closer to her, his chest against her back and his arms lightly touching hers. He rested his chin on top of his left hand and his cheek was brushing the side of her head. Neither of them said anything, they just stood there watching Grace once again.

After a short time of silence, they became so involved in themselves that they didn't hear the door being opened, or closed. They hadn't even noticed someone else had joined them in the room until that someone cleared their throat.

Derek lifted his head and took one of his hands off Meredith's shoulder, but left the other there. They both turned their heads only to see Dr. Webber standing behind them.

"Shepherd, can I speak to you for a moment?" he asked in a tone of voice that said he wasn't asking, he was telling.

Derek nodded and slipped his hand off Meredith's shoulder and followed the chief into the hallway, leaving Meredith alone once more, a chill flowing over the places where he was touching her replacing the warmth that came from the contact.

Closing the door behind him, Derek knew he was in trouble. He looked to Dr. Webber and opened his mouth to say something, but didn't get the chance to.

"I thought you said you understood what I told you yesterday." He said in a stern voice. Derek shifted his weight from foot to foot and avoided eye contact with the older man.

"Shepherd." Richard said, more stubbornly this time.

"I did. But they weren't there to assume anything, so it's fine."

"No, it's not. You two didn't even notice I had come into the room. What if I had been Sloane or Montgomery? Or one of those chatty, gossiping nurses that don't know how to mind their own business? I meant what I said, and I need you to take that seriously."

Derek looked at the ground and sighed. He really didn't know what to say. Richard sighed too and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Just… just go back and work with Sloane. He's waiting for you in the collaboration room. He never left." With that, Richard walked away, leaving Derek to think about what he had said. He sighed again, then started making his way back to meet with Mark. And as he did so, it pained him to leave Meredith without an explanation.

~0~

Addison was happy to have a break, even though she'd only just gotten to Seattle. There was something about Dr. Grey that she didn't like, and she thought that by leaving her alone a mistake would be made, and she could figure out what. But that didn't happen. Grey did everything right.

But on her way back to Grace Mitchell's room, she overheard a conversation that gave her a hint or two.

Dr. Webber and Derek shared some rather interesting words that Addison found could be quite useful. Maybe this is how she could figure out what was going on. Because even though she had no proof, she knew there was something odd about that intern.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

 **A/N: Okay! So in this chapter you finally get some Derek-Mark and Meredith-Addison drama. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. But however you feel, I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

Throughout the rest of the day, Derek and Mark managed to make a solid surgical plan that would work for both of them. All Derek could do now was hope that the tumor wasn't bigger than expected when they opened her up. Because if it was bigger, or covered more area than they thought, he might not be able to get it all properly.

They had managed to keep arguing to a minimum, but that was probably because they only talked about the case after Derek returned. Mark had clearly figured out that if he said anything while they were working it wouldn't end well. But that didn't stop him from saying something after they completed their plan.

They worked straight through the day without any breaks, so it was almost four thirty when they finished. Taking what he must have seen as an opportunity, Mark tried to talk to Derek again.

"Derek, I know you don't want to talk but can we at least try? I mean I never even had the chance to explain myself back then. Maybe you'd understand if – "

Not in the mood, Derek cut him off before he could say something that would piss him off even more. "I'm sorry but what exactly am I supposed to understand about this? It doesn't matter what you say or what excuses you come up with, I will _never_ be able to understand why you did what you did."

Mark stood there, staring at him, a guilty look on his face. He knew what he did was terrible, but he never had the chance to properly apologise to his friend. Now he wondered if he would ever have the chance, or if it was always going to be too late.

"You know you didn't even see me again after that night before you just took off? I had no idea where you were or if you'd spoken to Addie. You know that she at least deserved to know if you were okay."

"No, I wasn't okay!" Derek snapped. Mark didn't have the right to stand here, saying what he was saying, after what he did. Sure, he made a mistake, forgive and forget, right? But he made the kind of mistake you just can't take back, so there was no forgiving or forgetting. Not after what happened. "If that's what you really want to know, I was not okay."

Mark's guilty expression held tight, but Derek wasn't sure if it was genuine. If he was to tell the truth, he didn't know how to tell whether Mark was telling the truth anymore. It had always been a little hard to tell, but it wasn't overly complicated. And as he stood here with Mark, he just couldn't take it anymore.

~0~

Meredith had done everything correctly. All that time she spent just taking down vitals, she hadn't made one mistake. But then again, how could she have? All she did was write down numbers every ten minutes for hours. After her lunch break Dr. Montgomery didn't have much for her to do. Grace was still asleep, and though her numbers were consistent, they wanted her to get some rest before poking and prodding at her. So, the chief told her to go find Dr. Bailey and just shadow her for the day until she was needed on Grace's case.

Bailey was just running some post-ops, so Meredith assisted her with that, but there was quite a lot, so she let Meredith run a few by herself. When she was done that, Bailey told her to go see if there was anything for her in the pit. But when she got there, there was more staff than patients, so she was sent away. With nothing to do, Meredith thought of going to find one of her friends and hang out with them, but Cristina and George were both in surgery, Alex was on a case with Burke, and she couldn't find Izzie. So, she just walked around the hospital. There wasn't much time until her shift ended anyway, so she didn't see the point in trying to jump on a case, but there was nothing else for her to do. She was on her way back up to Grace's room to check in with Dr. Montgomery when she heard the faint sound of yelling down the hall.

She wasn't overly concerned until she noticed that a small crowd had started forming around the closed door to the collaboration room. It was then that she realised who was yelling, and began to speed up. She wasn't being nosey like the rest of the people in the crowd, she was worried that Derek was going to hit Mark again or do something else that would get him into trouble.

She could see through the window that Derek and Dr. Sloane were in a heated argument. She could hear that too, but she could see that hands were flying about making gestures and there was a fair amount of pacing going on inside. She looked back and forth between the two men, and she saw Derek shake out the hand he'd punched Mark with the other day. She worried that he'd hit him again, but there was no indication on Mark's face that he had. This lead her to wonder if he was getting ready to hit him again, but he wasn't normally a violent person, so he was probably doing this to keep the urge to do so away.

They continued pacing and wound up circling each other, switching positions. Derek was now facing the window and Mark's back was facing her. She took a step back, though she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because in the back of her mind, she didn't want Derek to know that she was seeing this, or because deep down she didn't want to be seeing this. Just as she took the first step to walk away, she heard the yelling stop. She looked back at the window to see that Derek was watching her. There was an exasperated look on his face that was obviously aimed at Mark a few seconds before. But the clashing of their gazes allowed that expression to fall. She kept her eyes locked on his, not knowing what to do. Not removing his gaze from her, Mark turned to see what he was looking at. The sight of Mark's angry face shook her, and she nervously took off.

As she turned the corner, she literally bumped into Dr. Montgomery. She looked up at the older woman who had a curious but knowing look on her face. She glanced down the hall at the crowd that had yet to disperse, then back at Meredith. "What's going on?"

Meredith looked over to the crowd, then back up at Addison. "Dr. Sloane and Dr. Shepherd are having a bit of an argument. I don't know how long they've been at it, but my guess would be for while."

Addison looked down the hall again and Meredith stepped back, allowing her space to walk past her, but she didn't. Instead, she looked back down at Meredith once again, brows furrowed. "Do you know what's going on?"

Meredith released a quick sigh before speaking. "I don't know, I didn't want to eavesdrop. Besides, their voices are fuzzy from outside. But considering they've been in there all day I would say Derek has just snapped from how long he's had to work with Dr. Sloane."

The second she said that she regretted it, knowing that it would make Addison suspicious as to why Meredith referred to Derek by his first name and why she thinks he would snap from working with Mark.

But without saying anything else, Meredith stepped around Addison and walked down the hall. She felt the eyes of the older woman on her as she walked away, but chose to ignore it. She had a feeling that Dr. Montgomery didn't like her, but she didn't know why. She only hoped that what she said wouldn't increase the negative view Addison had of her.

~0~

As Addison watched Dr. Grey take off down the hall, she thought to herself that there was something off about her. That was clear from the day they met – even though that was only yesterday. But the fact that she had called Derek by his first name only confirmed it.

Turning back to look at the now much smaller crowd, Addison thought back to how Derek and Dr. Grey have been interacting since yesterday, and how they acted individually. There was nothing to indicate there was anything going on, but she could feel it. And she vowed to herself that she would find out what.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 **A/N: So we get to hear from one of Derek's sisters in this chapter. It's a shorter one but I'll make it up to you soon.**

Derek rushed to get out of the hospital at the end of his shift. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Mark and Addison. He'd had enough of Mark today, and Addison would just add insult to injury.

On his way down to the lobby, he caught sight of Meredith. She was clearly on her way out too, because she wasn't wearing her scrubs. He saw her wave out the corner of his eyes, but just kept walking. After what happened this morning, he didn't want to risk getting in any more trouble with Dr. Webber, and certainly didn't want him talking to her about any of this.

He heard footsteps behind him and sped up slightly. He was almost positive they belonged to Meredith and didn't want to risk an encounter. He really hated to avoid her like this, but he didn't see much of an option. When he no longer heard the footsteps following him, he slowed down again, making his way to his car.

He fumbled for his keys, and had to stop outside his car to dig them out of his pocket. Finally pulling them out, he unlocked his vehicle and opened the trunk. Tossing his bag into it, he glanced up and froze. He didn't notice it earlier because he was in a rush to leave, but Meredith's car was parked next to his. He paused and listened for the footsteps he heard on his way out of the building. He couldn't hear them, so he thought it was okay to get moving.

He quickly shut the trunk and walked around to the driver's door. He pulled open the door and was about to load himself into the car when he heard someone approach and then Meredith's voice broke out.

"Hey, you're in a hurry." She said teasingly. Derek forced a chuckle and hoped it wasn't obvious. It was getting dark, so he couldn't see her face that well, but it looked like she grimaced, indicating she knew that his laugh was fake.

"Uh, yeah. My sister texted me earlier and asked me to call her tonight, so I need to get home and do that." He tried to duck into his car, but Meredith kept talking.

"Oh, is she okay? Is it Amelia again?" she asked, sounding genuinely concerned. He held his breath for a moment, regretting for a second that she knew everything about his family. It made it harder to lie to her about them. He told her everything. From the little things like his sisters' habits to how his father died. And he has a hard time talking about that.

He must have zoned out because when he pulled himself from his thoughts, Meredith was standing right in front of him with a concerned look on her face. But not just concern for his sister – which wasn't even true, not that she knew that – concern for him was present on her face.

"Derek, you can tell me. You know that." she said simply. He looked down at her, looking back up at him with concern, worry, and sympathy etched across her features. He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly he couldn't speak. He dropped his hand from its place on the car door, and it brushed against her arm as it fell to his side, sending a slight shock up to his shoulder and down to his fingertips. The accidental contact brought his attention back to their surroundings, brightening and clearing them, like he had been given a shot of adrenaline.

He looked at his feet and cleared his throat, and Meredith took a step back somewhat hesitantly. An uncomfortable silence had fallen, and they rarely shared that. It wasn't a feeling either of them liked, but they both did well at hiding that fact from each other. Derek lifted the keys that were in his hand to hopefully end the awkwardness.

"I should go." He said flatly. She nodded, and a piece of hair fell from behind her ear. He longed to reach out and tuck it back into its place. He told himself not to, but found his arm coming up anyway. Before he got the chance, however, Meredith tucked it behind her ear herself, and his arm fell back down. She eyed his hand suspiciously but didn't say anything.

"Yes, go, call your sister." Meredith said awkwardly after the long silence that had occurred, biting her lip at the end. Derek nodded and hesitated, then slipped into the car. He waited for her to get into her own before backing out of his parking spot, watching her with careful eyes the whole time. She waved to him as he began to pull out of the parking spot, but he pretended not to notice. As he switched from reverse to drive, he caught sight of a certain redhead in his rear-view mirror. He saw her look from his car to Meredith's and he groaned. He leaned his head back against the headrest and ran his hands through his hair. Tomorrow, he would have to listen to what Richard said and stop talking to Meredith. No matter how much it hurt him to do it.

~0~

Derek spent the night tossing and turning, stressed about every little thing. It was just before midnight when he got a text from Meredith asking if his sister was okay. He sighed at the sight of it and turned his phone over on his nightstand. He stared up at the ceiling, just visible due to the moonlight streaming in from the window. He took in a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. He thought over everything that had happened in the past few days. From what he and Meredith talked about in the bar to the arrival of Mark and Addison. Suddenly things were becoming all too real.

His phone buzzed again and he threw an arm over his face. He knew it was Meredith again without having to check, so he just ignored it.

After a few minutes, he felt the second text eating at him, so he got up off the bed and took the short walk across the trailer into the kitchen. He pulled a glass out of one of his small cupboards and held it under the tap, filling it halfway with cool water. He swirled it around in the glass for a few seconds before taking a long sip. Emptying the glass, he set it down in the bottom of the sink.

He glanced down at the floor, then ran his hands over his face. Turning back to his bed, Derek heard his phone buzz again. He sighed and walked back across the small space, flopping onto his bed. He stared at the ceiling in silence for a few minutes before his phone started ringing. He groaned, but reached to pick it up anyway. Instead of seeing Meredith's contact like he'd expected, he saw his sister's. And not just any sister, it was Nancy. Nancy was the scary sister. Of all his sisters, Derek only feared Nancy. When he saw her name across the screen, he knew better than to ignore her call.

He took in a breath before answering the call and holding the phone to his ear.

"Hey, Nancy. How are – "

"Don't do that. What's going on out there?"

With her words, Derek knew Meredith had texted her. The last thing he needed was word spreading throughout his family that Addison and Mark were in Seattle. But from what Nancy said, he knew that it was probably going to happen anyway.

"I don't know – "

"Yes you do." Nancy said, cutting him off. She always had a knack for getting right to the point, and clearly that would never go away. Not knowing what to say, he didn't say anything.

"Derek. Answer me." She said in her calm, but assertive voice. He sighed, knowing he should tell her, but not wanting to. Meredith had obviously talked to Nancy, but he didn't know how much she told her. Knowing Meredith as well as he did, she probably only told Nancy that something was going on and he wouldn't talk to her.

"Nancy, I… I just need some time to think. I promise I'll text you as soon as I figure things out though."

There was a pause on the other end of the line, Nancy clearly pondering what he had said. Protective sister mode kicking in, he knew she would come to Seattle if he went back on his word. She knew he knew this, so she sighed in defeat.

"Fine. But if I don't hear from you soon, I'll just ask Mer for an update. At least she'll tell me the truth." She said teasingly, though he knew she was also somewhat serious about it.

"Yeah, yeah." Was all he said in response.

He heard her chuckle before saying her goodbye and hanging up.

Pulling his phone away from his ear and placing it on the nightstand once again, he thought about how close Meredith was with his family, how close she was with him. He knew he wouldn't be able to follow Dr. Webber's instructions without any conflicts, but after the events of the evening, he knew that it was for the best. Hopefully when Mark and Addison were gone, he could explain everything to her without having her hate him.

His mind shifting from the current and future conflicts he knew would arise, Derek thought of just how close Meredith had gotten to him and his family. Despite the stress he was currently under, and what he knew he was going to have to do tomorrow at work, he was able to pull away from all that, and think of the good stuff.

No longer concerned about how late it was, what was going to happen with Mark and Addison, and what might happen with Meredith, Derek managed to fall into a deep sleep within minutes.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 **A/N: Sorry this update took a while. This chapter is quite a but longer than all the previous ones so hopefully that will make up for the delay.**

Derek dragged himself into the hospital the next morning. Not because of Mark and Addison though, he was prepared for that. He was lucky to not have had much interaction with Addison yet, but Mark started getting on his nerves the moment he arrived. But it was because of Meredith. It wasn't Meredith herself, it was what he was going to have to do, what the chief had said to him. Knowing this was the only thing on his schedule today made that worse, because it meant he had to be around her all day, had to ignore her all day. Had to pretend like he barely knew her all day. And this time he was going to stick to that. Even if he didn't want to.

Walking into to thankfully empty attendings' lounge, Derek cherished his last few minutes of being alone. That time ended sooner than he expected though, as someone else had entered the room. When he turned to see who it was, he was met by the face of Dr. Webber. The very stern, serious face of Dr. Webber.

"You don't need to worry. I'm not going to talk to her today. Not unless it's related to the case."

Dr. Webber placed his hands on his hips, giving Derek a very bossy, superior face. It was one he had never seen before, not directed at him anyway.

"I want to believe you Derek, I really do, but I just don't know if I can. Not after what I walked in on yesterday. In all honesty, I'm thinking of bringing another intern onto the case." He said, a pained expression on his face as he said that last part. This filled Derek's stomach with butterflies, but not the normal kind. It worried him that Richard was thinking of kicking her off the case because of him. That wasn't fair, especially considering she hasn't done anything. This was all on him, even if he wasn't sure what all of this was.

As though the chief was reading his mind, he said, "I know that Dr. Grey hasn't done anything, and I'm not saying you have either. I just think it's best for the two of you to have some space right now. And I know this wouldn't be the best way, but it hasn't even been a week and I don't know what else to do."

Derek wanted to nod his head in understanding, so he at least didn't stand there and do nothing, but he couldn't. He didn't want to say the wrong thing either, but at this point, it was better than saying nothing.

"You can't do that. She deserves to be on this case. You and I both know that. Don't punish her because of me." He said in a bit of a pleading tone, though he didn't mean to. Sensing this, Dr. Webber raised his eyebrows and moved his arms to cross them over his chest. He looked like he wanted to say something, but when he spoke, it clearly wasn't that something.

"We'll see how things go today," he said, pausing before he continued his sentence. "Grey is a very good intern, and I like you two."

Derek didn't know what to say, so he just nodded. Richard hesitated, then spoke again. "But you need to know, that I _will_ put someone else on the case if I have to."

Derek took a small step forward. "I just don't understand what this is all about. What's the big deal if they get the wrong idea about me and Meredith? Nothing is going on and it's not like the rest of the hospital will get the wrong idea because we always act the same way with each other."

Richard sighed, clearly frustrated with Derek's lack of understanding in this situation. "Derek I told you, it isn't about the rest of the hospital, it's about Sloane and Montgomery. I don't need them thinking that this is not a professional institution, which is what would happen if they saw you and Meredith together the way you normally are. The rest of the hospital has their theories, but our visiting doctors may talk about what they witnessed and say that Seattle Grace is not professional and that would reflect poorly on us."

Derek scoffed at Ricard's words, coming to a realization. He wasn't sure if this was entirely the reason for not wanting him to socialize with Meredith, but it was definitely a factor. "So this is all about you not wanting to lose the hospital's reputation?! Do you have any idea how ludicrous that sounds?! It is totally and utterly – "

"If I were you, I would choose my next words carefully, Dr. Shepherd."

This time, Derek shook his head. Richard knew what it meant, so he removed his arms from their place on his chest, turned and walked out the door.

It wasn't fair for Meredith to get kicked off the case, but Derek knew it would happen if he didn't listen to the chief. He thought over everything for a second, then took a deep breath – he needed to get to Grace's room.

Preparing himself for what he was going to have to do, Derek closed his eyes for a moment, then left the room as Dr. Webber did moments before.

~0~

Arriving at his destination, Derek was relieved to see that nobody else was there yet. This meant he had a few extra minutes to himself. He should have been using this time to go over his surgical plan, so that when they told Grace he would not only have it rehearsed, but he could make sense of it for her. But instead, he spent this time trying to figure out how he was going to deal with the Meredith situation. They were best friends, and he didn't want to lose that. They always told each other the truth and were never afraid to share their thoughts and feelings. And he was afraid that if he did what Richard had asked him to do, he might screw that up.

He couldn't think about it much longer though, because Mark and – surprisingly – Meredith came walking down the hall in his direction. Addison wasn't with them. It puzzled him why they were together without Addison, and wondered where Addison was, but didn't worry about it.

Showing up a few minutes later, Addison looked frazzled. She looked at Derek, then glanced over at Mark and Meredith, who were laughing. He didn't know what about, he hadn't paid them any attention.

Addison cleared her throat and the other two stopped to look at her. She was holding Grace's chart in her hands. She looked worried, and Meredith seemed to sense that too.

"Dr. Montgomery, what is it?" she asked like the good intern – and person – she was. Addison sighed and glanced at the door to Grace's room. When she looked back to them, her gaze lingered on Derek for a few seconds before moving back down to the chart.

"Grace seems to be in distress. It's not the baby and most of her vitals are normal. I ran some tests earlier this morning. I don't know if she's getting sick or if Frankie is causing pain or if she's just too stressed. I need to know what's going on before we do anything because I don't want her or the baby in any danger, but I also don't know if I want to proceed with anything if she's caught a virus."

Derek could tell from the look on her face and the tone of her voice that Addison didn't know what to do right now. She was right, it wasn't a good idea to leave the baby in there if it was too much stress on the mom's body but couldn't risk doing more damage by delivering her. Normally in a situation like this they would call someone in for another opinion, but Addison was that someone.

Only thinking about the case and not his actions, Derek reached out and placed a hand on Addison's upper arm. He squeezed gently in reassurance but wasn't sure if it helped. He offered her a light smile and she glanced over at him. "It'll be okay. We will figure something out. We'll call Dr. Webber down and see what he thinks, then we'll go from there."

It was an idea that made sense. But they didn't really have another option unless Addison could figure out what to do. She nodded, and Derek removed his hand from her arm, said "okay," then pulled out his pager for Dr. Webber to come for a consult. Looking around at his fellow doctors, Derek was somewhat shocked at the faces he saw. Addison still had a distraught expression and Mark looked as though a fire was beginning to burn behind his eyes. Meredith however, looked confused with a hint of sadness – scratch that, sad with a hint of confusion. It puzzled Derek, the look on her face.

Shrugging it off, Derek brought his attention back to his pager when it beeped. The chief had responded to his page saying that he would be up in a minute. Glancing back up at those around him, he felt uncomfortable when none of their expressions had changed. Hearing heavy footsteps from down the hall, Derek looked towards them, finding Dr. Webber speed-walking towards them. When he reached the huddled group, he stopped between Derek and Mark. He glanced around the circle of people he had just joined and placed his hands on his hips.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked in an oddly cheerful tone. Rather than answering, Addison handed him Grace's chart. Taking it in one hand, he used the other to retrieve his glasses from his pocket. He slipped them on and adjusted the chart in his hands. Reading over it, he glanced up at Addison. He rose his eyebrows as if to ask if this was from this morning, and everyone stayed silent. This was all the confirmation he needed, and he flipped the chart shut, handing it back to Addison.

"What do you think we should do?" Meredith asked. Dr. Webber shifted his gaze to her and sighed.

"Well, from the looks of it I don't think she would be strong enough to undergo the surgery, and if she's weak the chances are that the baby is too."

"But we also can't wait too long." Derek said, Meredith's eyes moving to him. "The tumor could grow significantly in size and brutality. If we wait too long, it could become inoperable, or her larynx could be toast when we try to fix it, making it so she needs tubes and machines to breathe for the rest of her life."

Not taking her eyes off him, Meredith spoke in a hoarse, quiet voice. "So, it might come down to one or the other? The mom or the baby?" Her voice shook slightly as she said that last part, and Derek could tell she was trying not to cry. He wanted to reach out to her, give her hand a quick squeeze of reassurance, but he fought the urge.

Derek hated to say it, and he had to clear his throat first to keep his voice from cracking when he next spoke. He didn't know what else to say, so he simply said, "Yes" while giving a single nod of his head.

Meredith had crossed her arms, holding each elbow with the opposite hand. She glanced back at Dr. Webber, who had a fallen look on his face. They all knew this could happen. It wasn't common in pregnancy, but when the baby is sick, it can take its toll on the mother. And right now, that's what it was doing.

The five of them looked around at each other, everyone's faces holding a frown, a grimace, a lip bite. Addison, being Grace and Frankie's doctor, she had to make the decision right now. Derek looked at her and knew she didn't want to. But he could see on her face that she knew she had to.

"Okay, um. I guess we'll wait a few days and see how she does. I'll run some more tests and maybe put her on some antibiotics to be safe. Depending on the lab results I might put her on something to slow her heart rate a bit and something to help with the anxiety. I don't want to give her too much painkillers because if I do and something happens she might not be able to feel it." Everyone nodded in agreement and she kept talking. "I'm gonna go in and talk to her then let you all know what I'm going to do. I'll also let you know if I need you, but it isn't very likely that I will."

She gave them a light smile, though it was clearly fake. Turning into Grace's room, she left the others turned to the chief.

"For now, Sloane you can go help in the ER, you could be very useful down there. Shepherd, you can go check on your old patients and make sure the neuro department hasn't derailed."

Mark had already left, but Derek stayed where he was after receiving new instructions. The chief however, walked away without giving Meredith anywhere to go. It was clear to all of them that Addison wanted to be left with Grace, so she wasn't about to invade in there.

Looking to Derek, she dropped her arms to her sides. "I guess I'll tag along with you." she said, sounding a little happier than she had earlier. Though Richard was gone, his words from earlier echoed in Derek's head. As much as he wanted the company, he didn't want to risk anything.

"I think you could probably be more help in the pit. I'm not going to be doing much anyway." He said flatly, trying not to let on that he didn't want her coming with him. She didn't give anything about what she thought away with her expression, so he hoped she wasn't upset.

"Oh. Okay. I'll see you later, then." She said, taking off down the hallway. Watching her walk away, Derek knew he made the right decision, though he didn't like it. He wanted to go after her, to be able to explain what was going on and let her know that he wouldn't be acting this way if he had a choice – which he didn't.

Watching her walk away, Derek forced himself to turn around and walk down the hall, as she had. He moved slowly at first, trying to push away the urge he had to turn around and look after her until she was gone. But he knew that she was probably already out of sight, so he didn't bother. It hurt him to do that, and it felt like he was giving up. On her, on them, on himself.

~0~

Meredith didn't know where she was going, she just knew that she wanted to get away and do something. It hurt to hear Derek say he didn't want her coming with him. While he didn't say that outright, she knew that it was implied.

She willed herself not to turn around, not to look over he shoulder and see if he was still there, watching her walk away, or if he would be gone. Reaching the end of the hallway, she gave in to her thoughts and turned around. What she saw caused a burning sensation in her chest; Derek was speeding off down the hallway in the opposite direction. She thought – or hoped – that he would still be in the same place, watching her walk away. Instead he was walking away, as though what just happened meant nothing, as though he had no idea that his words on top of his actions hurt her more than they should have.

He slowed down for a moment and Meredith thought that maybe he was going to turn around and look after her the way she was watching him. But he didn't. He slowed for a few seconds before returning to his original pace without looking back in her direction.

Stuffing down the feelings of hurt, Meredith turned on her heel and went around the corner, shoving all thoughts of Derek's words and actions from the last day or two out of her mind as best as she could.

 **A/N: Sorry if the end wasn't very good. I hope the chapter was worth the wait though. I'll try to update asap. Love you guys for hanging on!**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

 **A/N: I am so sorry! Had computer issues for a while and couldn't update, but I'm back now. Here's the latest (and totally overdue) chapter.**

Meredith spent most of the day in the pit, almost completely in a trance. She wasn't paying attention to anything, even though she was easily performing tasks. She was lost in her mind, which was currently a field of white noise. Her thoughts were racing so quickly that she couldn't recognize what they were. She was lost in the mess of white noise and blankness that was her mind. This is probably why she didn't notice when Dr. Sloane appeared beside her.

"Hey," he whispered in her ear, making her jump slightly. She turned to look at him, and he had a smirk on his face. She didn't know what it meant, so she just ignored him and went back to what she was doing before he appeared at her side. It wasn't much of a distraction though, as she was doing nothing more than tidying up some medical supplies she used on her last patient. She had barely done anything before he stopped her.

He gently grabbed her wrist and said, "Come on, Grey," in a tone that spoke of sarcastic seduction. She turned her head and glared at him, making her annoyance very clear to him. All this seemed to do though was widen his smirk. She not so subtly rolled her eyes and he chuckled, clearly amused. Tidying up the area, she walked away from him and over to the main desk, making the update that bed four was now available. Turning to tend to another patient, she almost bumped into Mark, who had followed her. She groaned and walked around him, only to hear footsteps behind her.

She ignored him and kept walking, but he sped up to catch up with her. "Dr. Grey, why do you seem so utterly pissed off with someone you barely even know?" he said, the smirk evident in his voice. She didn't answer him, so he casually placed an arm around her shoulders, and grabbed the one at his side with the other hand.

"You see, I'm just this big city guy who could not only use some company outside the hospital but could also use a friend inside of it." His voice had an edge to it that Meredith couldn't describe, but whatever it was, she didn't like it.

Meredith pushed his arm away and shot a sarcastic looking smirk at him. "Don't you find good company in Addison? I think you have a friend inside these walls, and you've just gotten tired of them." She spoke through thick layers of sarcasm, and snapped a little bit at the end, though she didn't know why. He slowed down slightly, but as she kept on walking he caught up with her once again.

"Addison?" he said, sounding and looking surprised. "I didn't know you two had gotten close over the last couple of days."

She shook her head and responded almost immediately. "Oh, believe me, we haven't."

With her response, Mark had an odd feeling in his chest. It was a feeling he had never had before, so he didn't know what it was. It felt like some sort of hunch, but he didn't quite know what it meant. Having an idea but not being sure, he voiced it without being obvious, changing the subject while doing so.

"So, Dr. Shepherd. He must be quite the surgeon to have been put on this case."

Meredith felt like he was trying to find something out without actually saying it, so she was careful with her response. She didn't know why she had this feeling, she just did. And when she got a feeling, she knew better than to ignore it. Whether it was from what Derek had told her in the past or her own judgment, she didn't trust Mark.

"Well, he is the head of the neuro department, so it makes sense they would assign the case to him rather than another attending." Mark considered her reply and thought of how he could get the truth from her. Something was up, he just knew it.

"Have you worked with him before? I just mean this… this is a big case for an intern. The chief wouldn't be the only one with a say in who gets put on it. Dr. Shepherd must have had something to do with it too, right?" Not the subtlest way of getting to her, but she was smart. Smart enough to avoid answering the implied question.

"Dr. Shepherd is one of the best neuro surgeons in the country, and I want to go into neuro. So yes, I've worked with him before."

 _Damn,_ he thought. She knew he was trying to get her to admit something without him asking. He had to be more clever.

Or he could just come right out and say it.

"I was wondering, does Dr. Shepherd – "

Meredith turned to him and cut him off, raising her voice slightly. She didn't want to draw any attention, so she spoke quickly. "Look, if you want to know something about Derek so badly, why don't you just go ask him yourself, instead of trying to find out what's going on in his life through me." She half asked, half stated before taking off down the hall. Stopping where he was after she walked away, Mark knew he had gotten to her. It took him a moment to figure out what was going on, but when it clicked, he _had_ to go tell Addison.

~0~

Derek spent his time checking on old patients with a grim attitude. He smiled at the nurses and doctors he saw, but he felt them giving him strange looks. He was trying not to think about the feeling he'd had in the pit of his stomach as he watched Meredith walk away, then he left himself. Meredith was his best friend, and it was as though he was both pushing her and pulling himself away from that. When she and Mark had approached him laughing, he felt sick. Like if it continued for too long he would need to leave because he couldn't stand the sound of it. Their laughs… they didn't sound right together. Hers was light, almost a jingle. Mark's was deep and always sounded forced, even when it was completely genuine.

He had fallen into a haze when he was brought back to reality by the sound of a nurse clearing her throat. He shook his head to regain focus and apologised for whatever he did – knowing he probably did something – and began simply moseying around the ICU, his thoughts racing at a thousand mile per hour.

~0~

Meredith was on her way back up to see if Addison wanted her to do anything but decided against it when she saw Mark heading in the same direction. She'd had enough of him today. Instead, she decided to walk on up to Dr. Webber's office, maybe have a chat with him. She knew something weird was going on with him, has been since Derek hit Mark that first day he arrived. She could use the conversation too, so it was a win-win. So she made her way to the elevator, her mind not picking a place to stay for more than thirty seconds at a time, the white noise and nothingness flowing back into her mind.

~0~

"I'm telling you, Addie, there's definitely something going on there." Mark insisted, feeling as though Addison couldn't care any less about what he was saying. Maybe she didn't believe him, but how couldn't she?

"Mark, stop it. You're crazy." She told him, clearly annoyed. Even though she found something about the intern strange, this wasn't it. Mark was just being delusional.

"Am I?" Mark insisted. Addison turned to face him, giving him all her attention. He knew it wouldn't last, so he didn't waste any time. Her patience ran out quickly, and he wanted to get as much out of it as he could.

"Think about it. I know I don't really have any proof, but it makes sense. You must have noticed at least one thing over the past few days. I know it's not all in my head." he insisted.

Addison thought about what he said, her mind travelling to what she had witnessed last night. She hadn't thought anything of it until now. Sure, last night she wondered what was going on, but shrugged it off by the time she got in her car.

She must have had a wonderous look on her face, because Mark raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"What? What is it?"

Addison sighed and put a hand on her hip. "Last night, I was on my way to my car and I saw Derek and Grey standing outside his. I couldn't hear what they were saying but at one point I don't think they were saying anything."

Mark waited for more, but nothing came. "Well?"

"Well what?" Addison asked sounding irritated, her patience wearing thin.

"What happened? When they weren't talking."

Addison shook her head. "I don't know Mark. But it isn't any of our business. Besides, if you're so concerned about what may or may not be going on with Derek and the intern find out yourself."

Addison started walking down the hallway, Mark right beside her the whole time. She thought he was going to try and convince her, but he didn't say anything. When they turned the corner, Addison stopped in her tracks, Mark doing the same. Staring at the nurses' station at the end of the hall, they saw Dr. Grey approach Derek, a slight skip in her step.

She came up to him from the side, though he didn't seem to notice her. Arriving at his side, she playfully bumped against him. They stood there with their backs to them for a few minutes before Derek turned and leaned his side against the counter, Dr. Grey doing the same thing. Derek looked stressed out and ran a hand through his hair. Addison knew that this meant he was anxious and tired, and perhaps a little guilty.

Addison saw him shake his head and Grey took a step towards him. He did nothing to push her away or indicate that he didn't want her being this close to him. Instead, he reacted by pushing himself off the counter and walking away. Dr. Grey looked after him, then down to her feet. After a few seconds she glanced in their direction, her gaze lingering. She quickly looked back in the direction Derek took off in, then left in the opposite direction.

Addison kept her gaze locked on the intern and jumped slightly when Mark whispered in her ear, suddenly very close to her.

"Now do you believe me?"

Addison turned to look at him and he raised his eyebrows. Mark was insane, she knew that already. But maybe this time, he knew what he was talking about.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

The remainder of the day was rather uneventful for everyone. Nothing new happened with Grace, so everyone was booted off to do something else. Meredith was back and forth between the pit and Webber's office. Every time she tried to talk to him seriously, he either wasn't there, made some excuse to leave, or changed the subject. She eventually just gave up. Derek hung out around his patients from before his current case, Addison stayed with Grace, and Mark bounced around the hospital. Every now and then they saw one another, but they always kept on walking.

Meredith was on her way to the locker room at the end of her shift and had just opened her locker when she got paged.

"No, no, no." Cristina groaned. "You're supposed to be coming to Joe's with us."

Meredith smirked and closed her locker. "It's from Dr. Montgomery. I have to go." She didn't say anything else before walking out and heading for Grace's room.

When she got there, Derek and Mark were talking to Addison. She sped up slightly and stopped next to Addison when she got there. They were already deep in conversation, which made her wonder if they got paged long before her.

"No, it's too risky to do that. For both of them, the baby especially." Derek said in protest. Meredith wanted to interject to find out what was happening but assumed she would figure it out soon enough.

Addison shook her head. "If we wait any longer Grace will get worse and worse until Frankie has absolutely no chance."

Derek and Addison both looked to Mark, waiting for him to share his thoughts. Met with expectant looks, Mark spoke. "It will be easier to do a reconstruction on Frankie if she's bigger. But as she gets bigger, so does the tumor. And the bigger it gets, the worse her health gets. And as her health gets worse, so will Grace's."

Meredith knew they were talking about whether to do a C-section and take out Frankie's tumor now or leave it, but no one seemed to agree on what to do. They all started talking at once and Meredith didn't know what to do. She was the intern, she didn't get much of a say in this, but she felt like she should do something.

"Guys," she said hesitantly, but either they didn't hear her, or they chose to ignore her. She spoke again, louder this time. "Guys!"

They all stopped talking and looked to her, and she suddenly felt like she shouldn't have done that. Knowing she couldn't just yell at them and say nothing afterwards, she spoke nervously. "I get that we're worried about mom and baby, but we have to make a decision. It's clear that no matter what we do, one or both of them are going to be in danger. Instead of arguing we need to make a plan that ensures survival for both and keeps them both safe after surgery."

There was a moment of silence from the attendings before Addison spoke, not sounding too impressed by what Meredith said. She crossed her arms over her chest and said "Well then, what do you suggest Dr. Grey? Seeing as you have plenty to say on the subject."

Meredith took in a hesitant breath, let it out, then spoke, avoiding eye contact with all three of them. "I say stop looking at them as who they are and focus on Grace and Frankie as a case file. Forget the connection we have to them and act as though we're on a consult. Pretend it isn't our patients at risk and look at the facts," she paused, and when no one interrupted, continued.

"We need to focus on the details, not the big picture. The big picture will cloud our thoughts because it will be easier to form an emotional attachment. If we dig deep to the details, we can figure out how risky doing nothing compared to taking action would be for both of them. From there we need to make the tough decision about what to do. We already know it could come down to one or the other, which is why we have to pull away from who they are."

The three older doctors stared at her for a moment before Addison spoke again. "That's ridiculous. If we ignore the big picture we could miss something that we wouldn't find with a singular detail. Who they are is important, we can't just look past that. If we do – "

"I think Meredith has a point." Derek cut her off. Her eyes flicked to him, but he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at Addison. He was currently receiving an unappreciative look from her, and Mark had a smirk on his face. At first Meredith thought that was just how he was, but right now it looked like there was something behind it, something more to it than his usual smirk.

Bringing her attention back to Addison, Meredith saw that she was glaring at Derek, though she hadn't said anything. Instead, it was him who spoke again. "Look, Meredith is right. We can't let our views and connections block our judgement right now. I say we go with her idea." His gaze travelled to her and lingered for a moment before moving up to her eyes. Meredith wanted to smile but couldn't manage it. He seemed to know this because the corners of his mouth went up slightly. After a few seconds, his gaze returned to Addison, as did Meredith's.

"Why are we listening to her, she's an _intern._ " Addison protested, though it was no use. Dr. Webber was behind her and he had been there for a minute or two. He had heard enough to know Meredith was right, and he spoke on it.

"We're listening to her because she's the best damn intern in this hospital, which is exactly why she was put on this case in the first place."

Everyone turned to look at him, including Meredith. His face was stern and serious, though when he looked at Meredith he winked. She looked down at her feet and Derek saw her blush slightly. He fought a smile, but it still managed to show. Webber caught his eye and he dropped it, but he wasn't sure if he did so in time.

Moving on, Webber moved so that he was at the center of them – Addison and Meredith on one side, Derek and Mark on the other.

"I think we should go with Dr. Grey on this one, Dr. Montgomery. She may be an intern, but she knows what she's talking about. She gets that from her mother." He said as he turned to walk down the hallway.

Addison and Mark thought about what he had said, though Derek knew exactly what he was talking about. It didn't take long for them to figure it out though.

"Wait, your mom. Your mom is – "

"Ellis Grey." She finished for her. Derek noticed that Addison looked somewhat flabbergasted. He tried not to smirk at the look on her face, knowing she was embarrassed for not realizing it sooner.

Shaking the look off her face, Addison spoke again. "Okay… I guess we can look over everything tonight and then jump on a plan tomorrow."

Meredith wanted to ask if working overnight was necessary but knew better. As exhausted as she was, this was her chance to prove to Dr. Montgomery that she deserved to be on this case. Not Addison, not the woman who saw her as nothing more than an ignorant and annoying intern, but the talented surgeon Meredith knew she was. There was a reason that she was called out for this case, and Meredith wanted to show her that she was put on it for a reason too.

Addison retrieved the very full chart from the nurses' station and threw it into Meredith's arms. "Grey, I want you to look over and analyze everything in this chart. And I mean _everything._ I'm going to stay here and monitor Grace and I'll come find you in a few hours to see how you're doing." Turning to Mark and Derek she said, in a less demanding tone, "You two should look at her most recent scans and ultrasounds to determine if we need a new surgical plan."

Derek looked unimpressed about having to work with Mark again, but only Meredith was able to see past his blank expression. He looked over to her and she kept her gaze locked on his for a moment before looking away nervously.

Addison didn't have anything else to say, so everyone went their separate ways – Addison into Grace's room, Meredith down the interns' hideout in the basement, and Mark and Derek to another collaboration and planning room. Derek and Meredith hesitated before turning away from each other, sending a smile in the other's direction prior to leaving.

Meredith made her way to the basement, chart in her hands. If they were lucky, they would be able to operate on Grace and Frankie sometime tomorrow. Meredith only hoped that – as they had mentioned numerous times – this wouldn't come down to one or the other.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Meredith sat in the quiet of their hideout, shivering slightly at the cool temperature. She flipped through the entire chart once just to get an idea of what was hiding in there, and now she was going through it for real. Every little detail, every piece of information in the stack papers was being examined. She had been down there for at least an hour and half, maybe longer. There were a few times that she started to doze off, but she always managed to keep herself awake.

Letting out a sigh, she wondered how things were going for Derek right now. She set the open chart down beside her and stood up to stretch. From the way she was sitting her left foot had started to fall asleep, so she shook it out in an attempt to restore proper blood flow. It didn't work very well, so she started walking around the large empty space. After a few minutes of that, she sat back down and pulled that chart into her lap.

She sat there reading, not quite absorbing all the information. There was a note pad next to her she had been using for notes, but she had abandoned it a while ago. Looking at the chart as a whole she saw that she still had half – maybe even three quarters – left to go through. Letting out a groan, she bent over and rested her head in lap. As she sat back up, she nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of someone standing a few feet away from her.

There was a laugh from her company, which only irritated her. "Relax, Mer. I'm not here to kill you."

Meredith rolled her eyes and let out an annoyed laugh. "Ugh, Derek you scared the crap out of me!"

He kept chuckling as he approached and sat down beside her. She noticed that he looked tired, but nowhere near as tired as she felt. He ran a hand through his hair before picking up her notepad and looking at what she had done. She quickly snatched it away and playfully smacked his arm.

"Shouldn't you be working?" she asked sarcastically, though she was trying to figure out why he had come down here, as well as how he knew she would be here. He sighed at her question and leaned forward slightly. "Mark and I are taking a break. We're pretty close to getting a solid plan though. We just need your stuff to check out the risks for what we have and do some revisions," pausing, he poked at the chart, laying open at the last page she had read. "But I'm guessing you aren't close to being done."

Meredith sighed and leaned back, just enough space between her and the wall for her to fall back completely. Derek laughed as she fell back, and he pulled the chart off her lap. Meredith rested her arms over her face and groaned for no reason in particular. She heard Derek chuckle again but chose to ignore him. She was tired and just wanted to sleep. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Meredith heard Derek close the chart. At the sound she shot up and began to panic.

"No, no, no! I don't know what page I was on and I stopped taking notes like fifteen pages ago. It'll take me forever to find where I was!" She grabbed the chart from Derek and began frantically flipping through to find her spot, but he took hold of her hands and took the chart from her. She looked at him, her panic subsiding, but only slightly.

She was breathing heavy, knowing Addison would kill her if she didn't get this done. Looking up into his deep blue eyes, she felt herself calming down. "Meredith, there isn't anything to be learned from you tearing through this chart that we don't already know. Addison just told you to do this because she doesn't know what else to do right now. You've taken all these notes and we know enough for surgery."

Meredith nodded, knowing Derek was right. Taking a glance at his watch, she saw that it was already ten-thirty. She thought it had only been an hour or so, when it had actually been two and a half since her shift ended. Derek followed her gaze to his watch and sighed. "I know, time is flying tonight."

Meredith laughed and leaned against him, his arm instinctively wrapping around her shoulder. She liked the protected feeling she got when he did this. She subtly slid a little closer to him and she thought she felt him do the same thing. When their legs were firmly pressed together, she knew that he had indeed shifted closer to her, as she had done. This put a smile on her lips and a blush on her cheeks, neither of which Derek noticed.

"I just want to go to sleep. I'm exhausted. It doesn't help that the chief has been avoiding me, so I've been running around at every chance I had to try and talk to him. I barely had a free minute to myself all day."

Derek nodded and distractedly started to trace circles on her arm with his fingers, sending chills down her spine. He wondered why she was trying to track down the chief, but mostly he wanted to know why Richard was avoiding her. As though she was reading his mind, she started to talk about both those things.

"I mean, something weird is going on with him, I can tell. I don't know if he knows I figured that out and just doesn't want to talk, or if he's deliberately trying to keep something from me. But he seems to be fine with the other people he's close to, and the past couple days he's just been… I don't know, weird. Have you noticed anything? Has he said anything to you? I just… I know something is going on and I don't understand why he's not telling me."

Derek instantly knew what was going on; Richard was acting strange because of what he said to Derek about him and Meredith, so he didn't want Meredith finding out about what he told him. The truth is, she deserved to know, but at the same time she really shouldn't. He didn't want to freak her out by telling her what Richard had said, especially considering it had done something to him. His silence must have told Meredith that he knew something, because the next thing he knew she was up off the bed and standing in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest.

"You know something. Derek what's going on? Why is the chief being so weird?"

Derek knew he had to tell her something, but he didn't know what. He didn't want to tell her the truth because he didn't want to freak her out. He knew how much it bothered her when their friends made comments about the two of them, the last thing she needed was to know that the chief of surgery thought the same thing.

"Derek?"

He stood up, causing her to take a step back, though they were still rather close together – close enough that she had to look up to see his face and he could hear her breathing. "Look, it's nothing about you that the chief is being weird about. It's just that – "

"It's just what, Derek? Obviously you know what's going on, so why won't you tell me? If what he's being weird about isn't to do with me, then why is he avoiding me?"

Derek honestly didn't have an answer to that. It truthfully wasn't anything about her, it was what the chief thought about Derek's feelings towards her. Yes, that means she should know, but there was a reason she didn't. Richard clearly didn't want her to know what he thought, and only wanted Derek to have the fear of her getting taken off the case. Whatever Richard thought, he was right in assuming that Derek would blame himself if Meredith were to miss out on a career opportunity because of something he did.

He was about to tell her it was something about him and that Richard knew they were close, so he didn't want her to confront him – he knew it was a lie, but he didn't want to tell her the truth – but her pager went off and he didn't get the chance.

Glancing down at her pager, Meredith grabbed the chart and her notepad, then turned away from Derek. She had taken a few steps away from him when he gently took hold of her shoulder in an attempt to get her to stay and hear him out. Instead, she whipped around and looked at him with annoyance and a bit of anger in her eyes.

"It's Addison, I have to go. When you're ready to tell me the truth, come find me."

Without another word, Meredith sped off to meet up with Addison. Derek sighed, knowing it was going to take a lot for her to forget about this. He wanted to tell her, and she should know, but he didn't want to make things weird.

He made a mental note to go talk to Dr. Webber, and soon. If he waited too long… he didn't want to think about what that would mean. For now, he just thought about getting through the rest of this night without pushing her any farther away than he already had.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

 **A/N: Hey guys! So with school starting up again I don't know how often I will be able to update, but I will add new chapters as often as I can. I don't know how long it will be until my next update, so I hope this will be enough for now.**

Meredith practically ran upstairs to meet up with Addison. But as mad as she was at Derek right now for lying, the feeling of what happened before that was stuck in her mind. The feeling she got knowing he had wanted to be closer to her, as she wanted to be close to him, the feeling she got with his fingers sliding across her skin, his breath on her forehead making it obvious that he had his head turned, no doubt looking down at her… All these feelings kept her from being angry, which only frustrated her more.

As she climbed the stairs, she wondered why she felt the way she did with those things happening. Slowing down slightly, she thought about all the times she'd had those feelings with him since she had determined nothing was going to happen between them – which had been over eight months ago. Almost everyday something happened that made her feel like this. She told herself over and over again that she didn't feel that way about Derek anymore, but then things like this keep happening. Slowing to a complete stop, Meredith thought about how her friends were always teasing her about Derek, and how he said they made comments about it to him too. Clearly they saw something there, whether Meredith and Derek did or not – or whether or not they wanted to admit it. This made her wonder why they could all see something, but she and Derek always insisted that nothing was there. Maybe there _was_ something there and they were denying it because they each thought the other didn't feel the same way. Only she _knew_ Derek didn't think of her that way, so it was pointless to keep thinking about it.

Then again, she did still think of him that way sometimes. No matter how many times she insisted she didn't have those feelings anymore, maybe they were back – maybe they were never gone.

Deciding she would think about all of this later, she shook her head to regain her focus and continued up the stairs. As she turned at the final landing and saw the door to the floor to Grace's room, she sped up. Just as she stepped towards the door however, Addison opened it herself and she did not look impressed. This made Meredith wonder how long she had stood there in her daze, how long it had been since she was paged. The look on Addison's face said it had been too long.

"Where the hell have you been? I paged you almost ten minutes ago." She didn't wait for Meredith to answer before she turned around and walked back out into the hall. Meredith quickly ran after her, knowing she was pissed.

"I'm sorry. I was in the basement when you paged and it wasn't a 911, so I didn't think I needed to get all they up her asap. Then I got really distracted and by the time I'd snapped back to reality I guess more time had passed than I thought."

Addison turned her head back to look at her, but kept walking. "You really think that makes this any better for you? I paged you for a reason and whether it's a 911 or not you should be hauling your ass up here."

Meredith sighed and had to quicken her step to keep up with Addison. She knew that she was going to get in trouble for this, and that Addison would likely not forget about it. Any hopes Meredith had about getting in the good books with her were gone.

"I know, I shouldn't have let myself get distracted like that. But I'm here now and that's what matters. What is it that you wanted me for?" She tried to be as polite as she could, not wanting to tick Addison off any more than she already had.

Meredith jumped slightly and slammed her feet into the ground when Addison turned around and began walking towards her, only stopping when she was well within Meredith's personal space bubble. The look in her eyes told Meredith that she was about to be yelled at, and she was right. Although Addison's voice wasn't at a full yell, she had raised it significantly.

"No, what matters is that Grace and Frankie are taken care of right now and you showed up too late for you to be a part of that right now. Maybe next time you'll actually come soon enough to do something. But for now, you aren't doing anything." She grabbed the chart from Meredith's hand, her notepad falling to the floor. She bent down to pick it up and handed it to Addison, who willingly snatched it away from her. She didn't even look at it before continuing to yell at her.

"I don't care what you do for now, but if I decide I need you – and consider yourself lucky if I do – I'll page you again. And this time you better be by my side in no more than three minutes." She turned around and took a few steps but turned back and continued to speak, more quietly this time, her words dripping with venom.

"You know, considering who your mother is, you sure fall flat."

Without saying or doing anything else, Addison turned and walked away. Meredith was frozen in place, her words sitting heavy on her chest. She couldn't move, the words repeating over and over in her head. She looked around, hoping no one had seen or heard what just happened, but to her dismay, there were a collection of nurses watching her, waiting to see what she would do. Holding back the tears that had formed in her eyes, Meredith turned around and went back downstairs, heading straight for an empty on call room.

~0~

Derek dragged himself back upstairs to keep working with Mark, trying to figure out what he would tell Meredith when he saw her again or if she asked what was going on. To his surprise, he passed her on his way to meet with Mark. She appeared to be in a rush, and there were a few tears running down her face. He tried to stop her and find out what happened, but she just told him to leave her alone and shoved past him. He wanted to follow her, but he noticed a few nurses eyeing him, and he knew they were the gossiping kind. So, despite the urge to go after her, Derek kept going in the opposite direction.

Arriving on the right floor, Derek slowed down, if it was even possible. He didn't want to go back and work with Mark, but he knew he had to. That didn't mean he needed to get there as soon as possible though, as long as he found his way back. Which he would.

But as he made his way past Grace's room, he overheard some of those chatty nurses running their mouths and slowed to listen to what they were saying. One of them noticed this, so he smiled and kept walking, but paused around the corner. And what he heard them saying started a fire in his chest.

" _I mean I don't really know much about Dr. Grey, but this Dr. Montgomery is one of the best in her field. She knows a bad doctor when she sees one."_

" _But the chief must've chosen her for a reason. There's no way she isn't good at what she does"_

Derek had a hard time figuring out what they were talking about. All he had managed to gather from this conversation is that Addison isn't impressed with Meredith, but Dr. Webber is confident in her abilities. He was too, because she was a good doctor who knew what she was doing – most of the time anyway. He kept listening, trying find out what was really going on.

" _I don't really care for what the chief thinks, Dr. Montgomery was right when she said that Dr. Grey doesn't quite live up to her name. Her mother certainly would have taught her better than that."_

Derek didn't hear the rest of the conversation, as the fire that had built in his chest had turned into an explosion. Not caring about the nurses, he stormed into Grace's room, knowing Addison would be in there.

Addison was looking down at the notepad Meredith was using earlier, the chart open beside it. She looked up at him and shot him an expression that said, 'what the hell are you doing here?' Derek noticed that Grace was asleep and spoke quietly, though he did so with rage.

"What did you say to Meredith?" He knew it wasn't exactly subtle or a good way to start, but he wanted to know what happened. With his words, Addison set aside the chart and notepad, but she didn't stand up.

"I don't know what you're talking about"

Her answer only pissed him off, because she did know what he was talking about. Why she was pretending she didn't though, he didn't know. It took everything in him not to raise his voice beyond an aggravated whisper.

"Yes you do, so don't play dumb. I saw Meredith downstairs and she was in tears, then I heard the nurses talking about whatever happened with you two earlier."

The look on her face told him Addison was slightly worried that there were people who saw and heard everything that occurred between them, whatever it was. He cocked an eyebrow, daring her to say it was nothing. She took this gesture as reason to stand up and walk over to him.

"Look, what happened between me and Dr. Grey is between me and Dr. Grey. As for you seeing her crying, that just tells me that she isn't as mature as people seem to think. I said what I said, she said what she said. It's not any of your business and that's that."

Derek didn't accept this answer. It was his business because Meredith was his best friend and Addison… well, Addison was what she was. But that's not what matters. What matters is that she had clearly said something that was bad enough to hurt Meredith so much as to drive her to tears, and that was a hard thing to do. The thought of something so bad being said hurt even him. "No, it's not between the two of you. Just look at how I found out; chatty nurses that only care about other people's business. That means dozens of other people will find out about this by lunch tomorrow."

"Yes but I'm only here until this case is over and then I'm gone, and no one here will ever see me again. So I don't really care if everyone thinks I'm a bitch or if they disagree with my opinions regarding Dr. Grey." Her eyes scanned him and Derek felt strange. There was something about the look in her eyes that unnerved him, but he couldn't place it. Even when she kept speaking, Derek wasn't able to figure out what it was.

"Look, just forget it, okay. My opinions of one of the many interns in this hospital shouldn't bother you. Especially when it's _this particular_ intern."

Now he was enraged. Addison was deliberately trying to piss him off, but why? The only thing that kept him from yelling was the fact that Grace was sleeping right next to them.

"I'm not playing around Addison. I want to know what you said to her and why you said it. Meredith is an amazing doctor and person. Whatever you said was clearly uncalled for and – "

He didn't get the chance to finish, because Addison interrupted him, her voice raising slightly. "I don't understand what your problem is, Derek. What is it about Dr. Grey – sorry, _Meredith_ – that's making you so persistent? I mean, she's just – "

Before she finished speaking, her expression changed, as though realization had just dawned on her. She stood silent with the same expression on her face before she shifted her weight, her jaw dropping. Derek didn't do or say anything, waiting to see what she would do. After a few seconds, she took an unsteady step back, chuckling as she did so. This worried Derek, because he knew how easy it was for Addison to jump to conclusions. When she finally spoke again, Derek understood why Richard didn't want him hanging around with Meredith during this case.

"Oh! Oh… I understand now. You and the intern… Wow. I mean… Seattle has changed you, Derek. What is it about her?"

He didn't know what say. If he denied it, that would only do more to confirm her suspicions. But saying nothing was just as bad, because it meant he couldn't come up with some sort of excuse. This didn't leave him with a lot of options; in fact, it left him with none. Obviously there was something about Meredith that had him drawn to her, but he couldn't tell Addison anything. He could barely admit it to himself. He knew this was going to happen as soon as they started talking that night in the bar, but he had never been able to say anything. He didn't want to push her away or freak her out.

His prolonged silence must have told Addison everything she needed to confirm her assumptions, even though they weren't true. She laughed again, though he couldn't detect any humour in it.

"This is just perfect! I knew there was something strange about Dr. Grey. Looks like Mark was right after all."

Derek's head whipped up at her words. Mark suspecting something was going on means he's been screwed since the start. When Mark catches a scent, he's usually right. Even though he knew it would only make things worse, Derek left without saying anything else, heading straight for Richard's office. Despite the late hour, he knew he would be there.

On his way, he passed Mark, who looked curious. He tried to stop him, but Derek was on a bit of a mission at the moment. Passing him without saying anything, he ignored the annoyed grunt that came from Mark as he kept walking.

Finally reaching the chief's office, Derek hesitated before entering. He knew that if he did this, there was no turning back. Once it was done, it was done. Richard would do what he asked, knowing he wouldn't be here, saying what he was saying, if he didn't think it needed to be done. The problem was, it killed him to do this. He knew Meredith would hate him for this, and she was right to. Hell, he hated himself for doing it. But he didn't see any other solution, and Richard would take the blame and come up with a story to explain his actions, but there was no story for Derek. Reluctantly accepting that this had to be done, that it was the only way, Derek opened the door and stepped into the office.

Richard looked up at him with a puzzled expression and the words were out of Derek's mouth before he could calm down and provide a reasonable explanation for what he was saying, or convince himself not to do this.

"You need to take Meredith off the Grace Mitchell case."

 **A/N: Sorry for the ending. I'll try to update soon I promise!**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

 **A/N: I AM SO SO SORRY! Between work and school I've been completely swamped and haven't had the chance to update. School is getting back into the swing of things, so updates should come fairly regularly from now on. Again, I'm so sorry for the wait. Try to forget how annoyed you may be about waiting this long and read! I hope this was worth the wait. If it wasn't, I give you an additional two dozen apologies!**

Walking out of Richard's office nearly twenty minutes later, Derek's stomach was churning. He felt terrible, he really did, but it needed to be done. He didn't have any other choice. After what happened with Addison, he couldn't take any risks. He knew this meant that things would change with Meredith hugely, and not for the good, but he didn't know what else to do. Trying not to think about it, he went back to work with Mark, hoping he would still be there. And on his way, he prayed he wouldn't come across Meredith again.

~0~

Meredith wanted to sleep. She had been so tired before, but now she was wide awake. Her thoughts wouldn't slow down long enough for her to relax, so she wound up pacing back and forth across the room. She sat down every few minutes, her legs bouncing with anxiety. Eventually she just gave up and walked down to the ER. She knew she wouldn't receive a page from Addison any time soon, so she figured she wouldn't be missed. However, as she reached the first floor she _did_ get paged. Only it wasn't by Addison, it was by the chief. This only freaked her out even more, though she wasn't sure why. It's not like what happened was something Dr. Webber would need to talk to her about, and she couldn't think of how he would have found out anyway.

Turning back towards the stairs, Meredith slowly made her way up to the chief's office. The hospital was a ghost down except for a few nurses walking the halls. Otherwise, she didn't see anyone. And thankfully, Derek was nowhere to be found. She didn't need him bombarding her with questions right now, and she was already somewhat surprised that he hadn't followed her after she told him to go away.

Arriving at the door to the chief's office, Meredith gently tapped her knuckles against it before hearing Dr. Webber holler for her to come in.

Stepping in and closing the door behind her, Meredith tried to contain her anxiety. She was nervous and wanted to know why she had been paged by him in the middle of the night, but at the same time she didn't want to hear what he was going to say.

He seemed to sense her worry, because he stood and walked around to the front side of his desk with a somewhat fatherly look on his face. Now she was scared more than nervous, because he only ever had that look on his face when he had bad news that he either didn't want to say, or didn't agree with. There was something reluctant in the way he held himself. When he spoke, his words only worried Meredith more.

"Take a seat, Meredith. There's uh, there's something I need to say to you."

Nervously walking over to the chairs placed in front of his desk, Meredith took in a deep breath and held it for a few moments. Sitting down, she looked up at him with a childlike fear in her eyes, one that Richard recognized from when she was a little girl. He hated that he knew this look on her so well, hated that he was now the cause of it. This look made him hesitant to tell her, but when Derek came to him, he knew it was time to carry through the threat he had made at the start of the case. But now that it was Meredith in front of him, he found it difficult to say the words.

"What is it, Dr. Webber?" She asked because she wanted to get this over with, not because she wanted to hear what he had to say, which was actually the last thing she wanted right now. She didn't want to hear whatever bad news he had. He seemed to know this because he moved from where he was leaning on his desk and sat down in the chair beside her. She turned her body to face him and he had a somber look in his eyes. She didn't bother asking him again, knowing he was about to tell her. She could read him really well for some reason, perhaps a sort of childhood recognition, and that wasn't always a good thing. Right now was an example of one of those times.

Richard leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, readying himself for whatever he was about to say. Clearly he didn't want to tell her this, which made Meredith shake with nerves.

"Meredith, you know that I know you're a great doctor, and you know that I would trust you with almost anything, but unfortunately I have to do something that I don't really want to do. And I need you to know that it is nothing personal, I'm just doing it because I have to. Okay?"

Meredith leaned back into her chair, trying to prepare herself for whatever he was about to say. He was twisting his fingers, indicating he was almost as nervous as she was. Waiting for him to continue, Meredith's leg started bouncing again. She tried to keep it still but couldn't manage it. Glancing at her leg, Dr. Webber sighed. "Meredith, I hate to say it, but I'm afraid I have to remove you from Grace's case."

With his words, her leg instantly stopped and, momentarily, so did her heart. Her breath was caught in her chest and she couldn't move. She couldn't even ask why. Her entire being was frozen in place, unable to do anything.

"I'm sorry, Meredith. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I don't have much of a choice at the moment. If you want to talk about it, or just want to sit here for a little bit, that's fine."

Shaking her head, Meredith leapt up out of her seat and stumbled towards the door. Richard stood as she neared the door, obviously seeing that she was both stunned and slightly angry. He stepped towards her in an attempt to get her to stay, but it didn't work. She stuttered out a goodbye and practically tripped out the door.

Standing in the hallway, she leaned back against the door and tilted her head back. Everything was going wrong for her right now. First Derek started acting strange and lying to her, then Addison yelled at her in the hallway in front of the worst nurses, and then she gets kicked off what was possibly the biggest case she'd ever get as an intern. Her life was literally falling apart. All she wanted right now was her best friend, but she didn't feel like she could talk to him. She didn't want to go home because if she did Izzie and George would ask questions and she knew she wouldn't sleep anyway. But she didn't want to stay here either, so she was at a loss for what to do. Hoping a walk would help, Meredith went to change and then headed outside.

~0~

Derek spent the remainder of the night with Mark, distracted as they finalized their surgical plan. Just after one o'clock, Mark stretched back in his chair while Derek started to pace aimlessly. Mark, being one of his oldest friends, knew that something was bothering him. And despite their troubles since he got here, Mark wanted to be there for him if he could.

"Dude, ever since you got back you've been mega distracted. What's bothering you?"

Derek looked over to him, trying to determine if he was serious. He didn't want to open up to Mark, and wasn't sure why he thought he would. Releasing a sigh and giving him a sort of 'let it go' motion with his hand, Derek just kept pacing. He had all this pent-up energy and no other way to release it, unless he went for a walk or something, which he wasn't in the mood for.

"I've known you forever, Derek. I can see when something's wrong, and there is. Talk to me, man."

Derek stopped and looked over at him again. Mark sat there with what would appear to most as a blank expression, but Derek saw as an open and accepting one. Deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, he sat down across from him. Mark looked and him expectantly, and Derek took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. He knew he was taking a risk by opening up to him, but he needed to talk about this, and Mark was better than nothing.

"It's just… well… I did something. Something I maybe shouldn't have done, though I'm sort of glad I did. It was the right thing to do, I'm sure of it. The only problem is that I hurt my friend to do it, and I don't know if she'll ever be able to forgive me."

Mark raised his eyebrows and Derek wasn't sure if he was waiting for more or if he was trying to ask 'are you serious?' without actually saying it. He knew this sounded similar to their situation, but it was totally different. At least, Derek thought it was.

"I get it, okay? You think it sounds like what I did to my friend is like what you did to me and that I need to forgive you in order to forgive myself for what I did."

Mark laughed at this, and Derek had trouble grasping a reason as to why. He wasn't trying to be funny; he really thought that was what Mark was trying to get at. Then again, Mark had never been that philosophical. But _he_ had, so maybe he was right about needing to forgive Mark. But he knew that even if he did that, he would never stop being mad at himself for what he did to Meredith.

When Mark spoke, he surprisingly said something that helped Derek, whether he wanted to admit that or not.

"Look man, my advice for what it's worth, just tell your friend that while you regret what you did, it was the right thing to do. Apologise, but don't make it about you. Because I can speak from experience and say that not only is an apology both the worst and best thing you can do, I can also say that you are one of the best friends anyone could possibly have."

Derek smiled in an attempt to show Mark he understood what he was saying, and to tell himself that he was right. Now all he had to do was get Meredith to hear him out and accept his apology. Only he wasn't so sure he would be successful at that.

Mark nodded at him, and though it didn't have a clear meaning, both he and Derek understood it, as Derek nodded back at him. So, he had managed to mend bridges with Mark – at least he thought he had – but he knew that wouldn't happen with Addison, not after what she said to Meredith. All that was left was to try to fix things with his best friend before they became broken beyond repair, which Derek feared would happen if he didn't talk to her soon; and he was already running out of time.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The cool air outside hit Meredith like a splash of cold water; refreshing, but not all that comfortable afterwards. She walked around the perimeter of the building once she adjusted hoping it would help, but it did nothing to help calm her down. Now she was at a complete loss. She couldn't go home, but she couldn't stay here. She didn't know what to do. Coming to a stop in front of the hospital's main entrance, the light from outside the small square building across the street caught her eye. She knew it wasn't the best idea, but she didn't have anywhere else to go right now. So, Meredith gave up and walked across the street to Joe's.

Walking into the somewhat small bar, Meredith rooted herself down on a bar stool on the far edge of the counter. When Joe noticed her, he waltzed over with a friendly look on his face. Stopping in front of her on the other side of the counter, he offered her a smile that she returned, though it wasn't real. Joe could tell that her smile was a false one and leaned against the counter.

"What is it sweetheart? What's goin on?"

Meredith smiled to herself at his attempt to get her talking. The truth was she had spent many nights in here confiding in Joe when she had no one else to talk to. He knew a lot of her secrets, including the feelings she'd once had for Derek. Joe was like a therapist to her in a way; always ready to listen, never judgmental. She thought about telling him what was going on but didn't want to talk about it. Her silence must have worried him, because he stretched an arm across the counter to rest a hand on her shoulder. He gave it a quick squeeze and Meredith smiled at him. He knew she wasn't going to talk to him, but that she would when she was ready.

"Thanks Joe, but I think I'm just gonna sit here for a bit. I can't go home, and I can't be at work, so this is all I can do."

Joe nodded in understanding and pulled his hand back, leaving Meredith to sit by herself for a while. Meredith was grateful he wanted to help, but she only wanted to talk to Derek. She was mad, yes, but he was the one she talked to when she was sad or something was wrong. Only now it seemed like everything was wrong.

Sighing, Meredith folded her arms on the counter and rested her head on top of them. The bar wasn't very busy, so she was able to get some time to herself without deafening silence or crazy amounts of commotion. It didn't take long for her eyes to flutter shut and fall into a much-needed sleep.

~0~

It was just after five o'clock when Meredith woke up to a familiar presence. She sat up and blinked a few times, taking in her surroundings. Finding that she was still at the bar made her groan and flop her head back down on the counter. At her reaction, she heard a chuckle from in front of her and a hand reach out to her back from behind her. Sitting up once again she found that Joe was the one who laughed and could tell without looking that the hand on her back meant that it was Derek who had joined the party. Knowing Joe had called him and forgetting about why she was mad the previous night, Meredith offered Derek a tired smile. She hadn't planned on falling asleep, but the stress and exhaustion must have gotten to her. And clearly Joe could sense she needed the rest, otherwise he would have woken her sooner.

Finally finding the energy to do more than blink, Meredith cleared her throat and looked to Joe. "So, you're turning me in now?" He chuckled at her comment and reached over to ruffle her hair. Normally this would be annoying to her, but she knew she wasn't exactly a pretty sight right now, so she didn't care.

"Sorry hun, but I've got to get going and didn't want to wake you up only to be left alone."

Meredith nodded and Derek stepped closer to her. Turning to look at him, she saw that he wasn't looking so good himself; he was hunched over with the usual spark in his eyes down to a faint glimmer, and his face held a fallen expression. She wanted to ask, but knew better than to do so in the presence of someone else – he hated to open up if it wasn't one hundred percent private.

Giving Joe a quick goodbye, Derek held out his arm for Meredith to take hold of – which she did.

Walking out into the cool morning air, a wave of goosebumps washed over Meredith and she shook a little bit. Derek noticed this and pried his arm away from hers in order to wrap it around her shoulders instead. Unbeknownst to him, while his actions helped relieve the goosebumps, a chill ran down Meredith's back and heat rushed to where they shared contact.

Not paying much attention, Meredith dreaded the fact that they were walking back to the hospital when she finally realized it. She sighed, but Derek didn't say anything. Mostly because he knew Richard had already taken her off the case – he had seen him before Joe called – and he knew all she wanted to do right now was sleep. This wasn't the first time he'd picked her up from the bar and she almost always complained about it being uncomfortable and making her neck sore, so he could only imagine how that felt coupled with the exhaustion.

Feeling Meredith come to a stop beside him, his arm falling to his side, Derek stopped and turned to face her. She was a few steps behind him, so he had to walk back to her. When he stopped in front of her, he noticed the lost look in her eyes. It was something he'd only seen once before, which is why seeing it now worried him. He opened his mouth to speak, but pulled her aside closer to the wall first, as they had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Hey, what's goin' on? And I am beyond certain that there's something wrong, so don't shut me out."

Looking down at her feet, Meredith had tears in her eyes when she looked back up at him. He knew she was about to tell him that she had been kicked off the case, and maybe even about what happened with Addison. Guilt came rushing back to him and he held his breath.

Shaking her head and lifting her hands, Meredith did her best to keep the tears in her eyes. "I don't know. It just seems like everything is going to crap right now. The chief just took me off the Grace Mitchell case and Addison _totally_ embarrassed me in front of those gossiping nurses outside Grace's room, so the entire hospital probably knows what she said by now and you know what..."

She trailed off without continuing and Derek took a step closer to her, their toes nearly touching. She looked up at him and he could see the distress in her eyes. Encouraging her to continue, he prompted her by saying, "What?" in a calm and gentle voice.

Swallowing past the lump in her throat, he held his breath as he waited for her to speak. And when she did, he felt his heart break inside of him. He may not know exactly what was said, but he did know that she was told she didn't live up to her name, which is why he felt so bad when she said what she said.

"Maybe she's right. Maybe I'll never be able to live up to my mother's name and the expectations that come from it. Maybe there's no point in even trying. My mother was right when she said I didn't have what it takes to be a surgeon and what Addison said just confirms it."

Not able to listen to what she was saying about herself, Derek rested his hands on her shoulders and cut her off. "Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me okay? I don't know what exactly Addison said, but she is not right. And neither was your mother. You are going to be an amazing surgeon. You know how I know?"

Her facial expression remained the same and she stayed silent, so he told her. "I know because not only are you already an amazing doctor, but because you have passion. You're talented and kind-hearted and you have crazy amounts of potential. Don't let what you hear about yourself from others burn you out. Because even when it seems like the rest of the world is against you… well, I'll never give up on you."

Meredith smiled at his words, not having a clue about how to respond. Her smile seemed to be enough though, because one of Derek's hands – which hadn't left her shoulders – moved up to her cheek as he smiled, stepped forward and kissed her forehead, followed by loosely wrapping his arms around her. She returned the gesture, smiling into his shoulder.

Pulling away after a few seconds, Derek tucked her hair behind her ears and wiped her wet cheeks with his sleeve. Meredith got a fluttery feeling in her chest with these actions, while Derek's heartrate increased with nerves. Both smiling again, they stepped away form the wall and entered the hospital together, going their separate ways when she headed for the elevator and he headed for the stairs. They each gave a quick wave or smile before walking away, each sparking something in the other, each trying to push the feelings away.

What she was feeling – butterflies, increased heartrate, sweaty palms – only made her more certain that her feelings for Derek were back. What he was feeling – tightening in the chest, increased anxiety, tingling in his hands – told him that no matter how much he denied what he felt for his friend, maybe he couldn't reason himself out of this one.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

 **A/N: I'm so sorry for not updating sooner. I'll do my best to update asap after this.**

Stepping into the locker room, Meredith yawned and paused in front of her locker. She was tired and couldn't focus on one thing. Her mind was jumping from Derek's words to the feeling of his arms around her and to how she felt after they walked away from each other.

Finally prying her locker open, she was startled by the sudden appearance of Alex beside her. Looking over at him and glaring, he chuckled. "Woah, someone's jumpy." She rolled her eyes in response and he took a large and annoying bite out of an apple. "You look like hell by the way." he said through a mouth full of apple.

Ignoring him, Meredith slammed her locker and waited for Dr. Bailey to come around with assignments, seeing as she needed a new one. Taking the hint, Alex left her alone and went to stand with Izzie and George. Almost immediately, Cristina came to rest beside her. She glanced at her friend but didn't say anything. Meredith knew she was probably being judged or pitied right now by everyone in the room. And if she wasn't, she knew that wouldn't last long.

Just as Cristina decided to say something, Dr. Bailey entered the room, not giving her the chance. She read out the assignments, Meredith barely listening.

"Karev and O'Malley in the pit, Stevens you're with Burke, Yang with Shepherd and Grey you're with me."

Bailey stepped out of the way so everyone could leave, also waiting for Meredith. Cristina turned and looked at Meredith, her eyes wide. Meredith refused to look at her, slightly pissed that there was no thought whatsoever on who her replacement would be. To be fair, her friend was rather shocked and didn't seem to be as excited about her placement as she would normally be. Then again, she was probably just waiting for a moment to herself to show her pleasure in what was in for her today.

Sensing that Meredith was not going to say anything to her, Cristina simply walked out the door, leaving Meredith alone with Dr. Bailey. Stepping towards her resident, Meredith looked at the floor and sighed. Rather unexpectedly, Bailey took a step towards Meredith, closing the somewhat large space between them, shutting the door as she did so. Looking up at her, Meredith didn't know what was happening.

"I'm sorry about what happened. I'm not gonna pretend I know what was said and I'm not going to ask either. That was a good case and it is extremely unfortunate that you aren't on it anymore, and I want you to know that I think you deserved it more than anyone else." There was a brief moment of silence where Meredith didn't know what to say, but thankfully, Bailey spoke again. "Lucky for you though, we have quite the day ahead of us. First, we will be harvesting a liver for a patient at Mass Gen, then we have a colonoscopy, and finally we've got an appendectomy."

Meredith nodded, knowing the day would be long and busy rather than exciting, even though Dr. Bailey wanted her to think it would be a great day. Feeling a gentle hand on her arm, Meredith saw sympathy in Dr. Bailey's eyes, accompanied by a warm smile. She smiled back, not completely genuinely. Dr. Bailey took what she could get, though, and turned around to open the door.

Following her out, Meredith frowned as she glanced down the hall and saw the chief talking to Derek with Cristina there. She looked away as quickly as she had looked over, and even though she didn't have eyes on the back of her head, she knew that she was being watched by Derek. Trying to ignore the feeling that came with the knowledge he was looking at her, Meredith shook her head and focused on the sound of her feet hitting the floor in sync with Bailey's every time they took a step.

~0~

Having a small break between harvesting the liver and the colonoscopy, Meredith took the spare time to just wander around for a bit. Bailey knew what she was doing and, to Meredith's surprise, was okay with it. She figured her mentor just felt bad for her and wanted to give her some space to think without having something else she was supposed to focus on. Not that pacing around the hospital was exactly distraction-free, but it was the best she could get right now.

After about ten minutes of walking, Meredith didn't realize she had made her way to the hallway where Grace's room was until she heard the familiar sound of hushed voices and saw heads turning to her. She knew this was going to happen, knew that people were going to be talking about her, but witnessing it still hurt like hell. She didn't like to be the center of attention, which is exactly what she was right now.

Dragging her focus away from the voices and paying attention only to the hallway in front of her, Meredith jumped back when someone turned the corner and bumped in to her. It took a moment for her brain to register that it was Mark, and when it did she simply walked around him without any form of acknowledgment.

At least she tried to.

She hadn't done more than make the side step to walk past him when he stretched his arm out in front of her, blocking her path. She glared up at him and tried again, but it still didn't work. Sighing and looking up at him, she saw a look of victory in his eyes that she couldn't determine the reasoning of. Shrugging it off, she looked at him expectantly, waiting to hear why he wasn't letting her walk away. But rather than give her any sort of explanation, he gave her a sympathetic smile – but Meredith didn't feel the effect it was supposed to have. "I'm sorry you got kicked off the case. How uh… how ya holding up?"

Meredith was puzzled by his question, and either he didn't care, or he wasn't aware of her confusion.

"Uh, I'm-I'm fine. Why?" she stuttered, trying to figure out where this was going and why he felt the need to ask her this – especially right now.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Mark began to sway side to side the way one might when they were nervous. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, just checking in?" The look in his eyes told Meredith that wasn't it, but she couldn't read him well enough to figure out what this was really about. He seemed to know she was trying to analyze the situation, because he unfolded his arms and casually looked around.

"I wanted to see if you were alright. That's all."

Bullshit. She knew that wasn't the truth and it didn't take a genius to figure that out. "No, it's not. If there's something you want to say or ask, just do it. You don't have to cozy up to me and pretend to be my friend, just say whatever you want to say."

He stopped swaying and Meredith knew she caught him. She wasn't dumb, and if he thought that was going to work, then _he_ certainly was.

Sighing in defeat, Mark looked at her – really looked at her – and spoke. "Okay. I was just wondering, but, you seem to know Dr. Shepherd pretty well, right?"

It sounded more like a statement than a question to Meredith, which made her wonder where this was going. Nodding hesitantly, she spoke with the same cautiousness. She didn't know what his intentions were here, so she wanted to be careful.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. I mean, it's not like I know him _that_ well, but I do know him a little bit."

Mark nodded at her answer and bit the inside of his cheek. He glanced around before taking a step towards her. Meredith's instincts told her to take a step back, but she didn't. Mark was acting strange and she could tell the man had ulterior motives to this conversation, she just couldn't figure out what they were.

"Look, Derek, he's a good guy and well…" he trailed off without continuing and Meredith raised her eyebrows expectantly and Mark sighed.

"Never mind, it doesn't matter. Forget I said anything." He made the move to walk away, but Meredith mirrored the action and he stopped, looking down at her with a slightly surprised expression, as though that was the last thing he thought she would do. Now genuinely curious as to what was going on, Meredith decided that she would try and get more out of him, hopefully the truth.

"No, no don't do that. Well what?" Now he was the one looking hesitant, like he was second guessing himself all of a sudden. Maybe it was because he knew she was catching on to him.

Taking a breath, Mark began to speak quietly, but not so quiet that people walking by wouldn't be able to clearly hear his words.

"Okay look, Derek said something to me last night about needing to fix something with a friend that he thought would turn out to be unforgivable. He was really freaking out. It was obvious that this person is more likely a best friend type rather than just someone he talks to and hangs out with. And we, well we… we used to be friends, and while he may not give a damn what I think or believe me when I say I care, I think that he could use someone to talk to. You know, get some stuff off his chest. And I figure that since you… well you two are… whatever, just do me a favour and talk to him."

Meredith was rather shocked by what Mark had to say, and while she was somewhat concerned about Derek now, she was more distracted by this supposedly unforgivable thing he did. Mark said, 'best friend.' She was Derek's best friend. While he had been acting strange lately, she couldn't recall anything he might have done that would result in him thinking she would never be able to forgive him. Seriously, they were best friends for Christ's sake, he could never do anything so terrible as to be deemed unforgiveable in her eyes.

Sensing her racing thoughts, Mark spoke again. "Like I said, forget it okay? It's not important and you don't need to worry your pretty little head thinking about it." She thought she detected a slight wink at that comment but shrugged it off.

Without saying anything else, Mark made a speedy step around her and walked away. Meredith turned and watched him walk away, noticing Addison standing down the hall, watching them. She wondered if she had anything to do with what just happened, but put it aside to think about later. Instead, she worried about what Mark had said about Derek's supposedly unforgivable action. He wasn't usually one to exaggerate, so she grew concerned about what happened.

Knowing she should be getting back to Dr. Bailey now, Meredith turned around and continued her path from before her encounter with Mark. But before she made the turn around the corner, she made one last look over her shoulder to where Addison had been standing a moment ago. It shook her a little but to see Addison and Mark standing there watching her, as though they had planned what just occurred. Paranoia settled into her chest, and she attempted to push it away by shaking her head, but it didn't work. Instead her mind was racing about what she would say to Derek the next time she saw him. This morning she had fluttering in her stomach at the thought of speaking to him, but now she felt as though there was a weight on her chest. A weight that consisted of fear, worry, panic, anxiety, and curiosity – but not the good kind. She didn't know what she was going to do.

Brought out of her reverie by the sound of her pager going off, Meredith turned her head again and made her way around the corner and down the hallway. As much as she wanted to know what was going on, she was afraid to know the answer. So for now, she pushed all non-work related thoughts away, and let herself drown in her work.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Meredith spent the rest of the day lost in her mind. She was distracted and stressed and worried, and Dr. Bailey was clearly somewhat frustrated with her after her return because of it, though she never said anything. She felt bad for annoying Dr. Bailey with her problems, but she couldn't help being worried about Derek and what was going on with him. It wasn't until she was standing alone with Dr. Bailey in the scrub room following the appendectomy that her mind settled on one subject.

They had been mostly quiet during the surgery, which was okay with Meredith, but she knew it was because Bailey was irritated, and that wasn't a good thing. She didn't need Bailey turning into The Nazi on her when she had so much else going on. But when Bailey cleared her throat and crossed her arms whilst leaning against the sink, Meredith knew she was in for it. And when Dr. Bailey started talking, she jumped right into things, not even bothering to ease into what she wanted to say. Meredith knew better than to make excuses or interrupt her, so she stood there silently, waiting for the end of her lecture.

"I know that you are stressed out and upset, but this morning you were in a good place. You weren't overly excited to be on my service and that's fine, because you were working well. Then you come back after the little walk I let you have, specifically because I knew you needed some time to yourself, and you are completely distracted. I don't know what you did while you were gone or who you talked to, but the state you were in after is just unacceptable." She paused and Meredith thought it was time for her to either defend herself, make excuses, accept what Bailey was saying or leave in frustration, but then she kept talking.

"I want to help you, Grey, but I can't do that if you're going to act like this. I need your full attention and I don't think I'll be getting that any time soon unless you work through your crap or decide it doesn't matter." Another pause came, but Meredith couldn't speak. Was Bailey mad at her or did she feel bad for her?

"Look, I'm sorry about what you're going through, but until you get it together, I think you need to spend some time out of the OR."

Meredith's gaze snapped to the older woman, trying not to let her jaw hit the floor. She couldn't be banned from the OR, that just wasn't fair. She didn't do anything wrong, and everyone gets distracted sometimes, so what was the big deal?

Taking a step towards her, Meredith tried not to sound overly desperate when she spoke. "No, please. I can't be forced out of the OR, not now. I'm just having an off day, I promise. I'm not usually like this, ask anyone. You know that. So please, don't do this."

For a split second, Meredith thought that Dr. Bailey was on her side, that she wasn't going to punish her for absolutely nothing, but she as wrong.

"I'm sorry, Grey. I just don't think it's a good idea for you to be in surgery if you can't concentrate. I can talk to the chief and get you placed in the pit, or maybe catch up on charts for some of the attendings, but you know that I'm right, even if you can't admit it."

Offering Meredith another smile, Bailey pulled off her scrub cap and walked out of the room. Releasing a groan of frustration, Meredith slammed her hands down on the edge of the sink. She was utterly pissed off that Dr. Bailey was banning her from surgery for who knows how long, with no real reason to do so. So what her mind was wandering today? That happens to everyone sometimes, so why is she being treated differently about it? Sighing, Meredith stormed out of the scrub room, with no real destination in mind.

~0~

Derek was distracted today. Grace was feeling better, so they were getting ready to do her surgery, probably taking her to the OR in a day or two, but he didn't care all that much. All he could think about was Meredith and the conversation he had with Mark about her, not that Mark was aware of it. It didn't help that the intern replacing Meredith was Cristina, because now he was faced with her other best friend and the guilt of what he did was eating away at him. The only thing that made him feel a little better was the fact that Cristina was so happy she had been brought onto the case she didn't seem to remember it was because her friend had been fired from it. If it was a competition between them for who was the worst friend, she would win. At least he wanted her to. But he knew that wasn't very likely.

Taking a breather maybe an hour after his break, Derek saw Meredith storm down the hallway to his right. Almost immediately, his stomach hit the floor thinking she had found out. But if that was the case, wouldn't she have come to him?

Tucking the idea away for later, he kept walking, making sure he didn't accidentally follow Meredith out of habit. He passed Richard maybe five minutes later and there wasn't any indicator in his expression that Meredith had gone to talk to him, but he did stop Derek to talk.

"How goes the first day without Dr. Grey?" It was a simple enough question with a simple enough answer, but not to Derek. Richard knew that, which is why he made a point of saying _Dr. Grey_ instead of Meredith. He wanted to poke at Derek to make sure he wasn't distracted thinking about her or only thinking about why Cristina shouldn't be there and Meredith should. But Derek _was_ thinking about those things, especially the first one. Just not for the reasons the chief thinks. He's worried that he will lose Meredith because of what he did, and he knows that she'll find out eventually, maybe even from him. His prolonged silence must have told Richard that he wasn't entirely focused, because he crossed his arms over his chest and gave Derek the 'you should know better' look.

"It's fine, don't worry about it." he said, hoping he sounded convincing. But even if his tone was persuasive enough, the look on his face clearly wasn't, because suddenly Richard's expression changed to one of sympathy and a touch of regret.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I know the only reason you asked me to take Meredith off the case was because I threatened to do it, putting the idea in your head, but you must know that this is for the best. She and Dr. Montgomery don't appear to be getting along, so having her removed from the case was a good thing, even if it was hard."

Derek nodded, though he didn't entirely agree with the chief. He knew that Addison didn't like or trust Meredith, and after what she said to and about her, he was glad to have had her taken off the case. But Meredith was so excited about this case and it would've been good for her, but because of his stupid and suddenly apparent feelings, he ruined that for her.

"You can't blame yourself here Derek, you only did what was best for her. And that speaks high volumes of you character. Don't worry too much about it. You two are really good friends, she'll forgive you." That was the last thing he said before leaving Derek by himself, stuck with only his thoughts for company, and they weren't good thoughts.

Deep down - very, very deep down - he knew the chief was right in saying Meredith would one day forgive him. The only problem was he didn't know if he would ever be able to forgive himself.

~0~

In the locker room at the end of the day, Meredith was trying not make it obvious that she didn't want to hear what Cristina had to say about her day. She was going on about the developments that had occurred in the case since Meredith's departure, and even though it all seemed to be good news, she didn't want to listen to this. It's not that she was jealous of Cristina, it's that she didn't get the chance to see Grace and Frankie through this. And by the sound of things, Cristina didn't even know that Frankie was the baby's name.

Closing her locker and walking out of the room with frustration sizzling through her body, Meredith still heard whispers and saw stares following her. She wouldn't be surprised if the rumor mill had started running along with all the gossip. She only caught bits and pieces of a few conversations, and nothing she heard was positive. Choosing to ignore what was being said, she kept looking straight ahead and walked out to her car. She also chose to shrug off the fact that the lobby fell quiet when she made her way to the doors, swallowing past the lump in her throat as she did so.

Stepping out into the unusually warm nighttime air, she heard footsteps coming up behind her. Worried that it might be Mark again, she kept walking. But to her dismay she had to wait to cross from the sidewalk to the aisles of vehicles, giving whoever was behind to stop beside her. She let out a sigh of relief when she saw that it wasn't Mark, but it was Derek.

"Hey," she started, not really knowing what else to say right now. He smiled at her, but it wasn't a real Derek smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes, and there was a hidden somber that she could pull out because she knew him so well. "You okay?"

He looked over at her again and smirked slightly. "Are you?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, but his question made her think about everything that had happened to her today. He wasn't actually asking, but now that the words had been spoken, she was ready to admit that she wasn't.

"No, actually. I'm not." He gave her a look of concern and turned so his body was facing her, but she stayed where she was, her shoulder facing his chest. For a second she regretted making that confession, but this was Derek, he wouldn't judge her or tell anyone about what she said, so there was nothing to worry about.

"First, I find out that Cristina was my replacement, then Dr. Bailey showered me with pity and sympathy. I had a very strange run-in with Mark, and then Bailey had me barred from the OR, and now everyone is talking about me, so I'm waiting for the rumors to start and for my reputation to go down the drain. I just feel like everything is falling apart right now, and that I won't be able to put it back together."

Derek frowned at her words, his stomach churning with guilt and his heart racing with anxiety. She wasn't looking at him though, she was just staring straight out at the parking lot. That made it a little better, but not much.

Not knowing what to say, Derek just stepped towards her and wrapped an arm around her. She leaned in to his embrace, resting her head on his chest. He took in the smell of her hair before planting a kiss on the top of her head, closing his eyes as he did so. She seemed to lean into him after that, making him smile.

It wasn't until they heard whispers from their left that Meredith pulled away from Derek. The fallen look on her face told him she had been getting this all day. The thought angered him, but he knew he was also the bad guy in this situation, so he didn't say anything about it.

"Come on, I'll walk you to your car." She nodded at his words but didn't say anything, her eyes glued to the ground.

They made the short walk in silence, but that was okay with him. It meant he didn't have to worry about letting it slip he'd had her kicked off the case, or her asking questions. When they reached her car, he opened the door for her. She smiled and put her stuff inside before turning back to him. She put her hands in her pockets and shook her hair out of her face.

"So earlier, when I was talking to Mark…"

Her mention of Mark's name worried him that he'd been caught, but he decided to wait and see what she said before he started to panic.

"He asked me about you. How well we know each other, actually. I thought it was an odd question for him to ask, but I was curious to see what it was about, so I let him talk. Then he mentioned something about you two talking and how you said that you had done something terrible and utterly unforgivable to your friend. What was he talking about?"

Now Derek knew it was time to worry. He was hoping he wouldn't have to do this now. Actually, he was hoping he never had to do this, but her words made this even more real. He tried to think of what to say fast enough as not to cause suspicion, but he was unsuccessful in doing so.

Not sure if she was annoyed, angry, or frustrated, Derek still cringed slightly when she spoke again. "Derek? What's going on? What did you do?"

Sighing, he knew it was time to confess to what he had done. Opening his mouth to speak, he tried his best to prepare himself for whatever was going to happen next. Maybe she would hate him, maybe she would understand, and maybe she would drive off without saying anything to him. All he knew for sure was that things were probably not going to go well.

At the same time that he said "Meredith, I," someone called out to her.

"Mer, can I get a ride?" It was George. While Derek was grateful for the interruption, he knew it would likely make Meredith more desperate to know what was going on.

Looking over Derek's shoulder at one of her roommates, she sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"Yeah of course."

He smiled and nodded in thanks, and Derek wanted to do the same thing to him. Bringing her gaze back to him, Meredith moved to close the car door, knowing George would be okay with waiting for her. He was always so understanding, and she loved that abut him. But Derek wouldn't let her close the door. Now that he knew she wanted to know what was happening, he wanted some time to think about what he would say to her.

"It's okay, go home. We can talk later."

The look on her face told him she did not agree whatsoever. "Derek just- "

"I'll see you tomorrow okay?" He walked away without giving her the chance to object, knowing that would only piss her off, making his revelation even worse when he would finally tell her. But he needed some time to sort things out, figure out what he would say to her when he finally told her the truth. He knew it could very well be the last thing he ever said to her, so he didn't want to do it with no forethought or serious consideration. He knew he was going to have to tell her eventually, he had just been hoping that 'eventually' wouldn't come so soon.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

 **A/N: Message for** _ **Patsy:**_ **Don't worry! You'll get your MerDer! Just wait, it's coming.**

Derek was thankful that George had come along back at the hospital. It meant that he didn't have to tell Meredith what was going on. Knowing he would have to do it tomorrow though, Derek made the decision to talk to someone he knew would always give him good advice.

Picking up his phone and sitting down on the edge of his bed, he dialed the phone number he'd had memorized for as long as he could remember and waited for an answer on the other end of the phone. The ringing sound in his ear made him nervous, because he knew he was going to get an ear full about everything he'd done wrong. But he needed to hear it, and he needed to know what to do.

" _Hello?"_

He smiled at her voice. "Hey, mom."

He could hear her gasp, and he felt bad for not calling as often as he should. _"Derek! How are you honey? How is Seattle? How's that girl of yours?"_

He chuckled at all her questions. He always thought it was just her being nosey when he was younger, but now he appreciated it, because he knew it was her caring and loving nature. He answered each question, his heart clenching slightly when answered the last one.

"I'm good, just a little stressed. It's the same as always – cold and raining. Got a pretty big case right now. And come on, I've told you before Meredith and I are just friends."

She scoffed at his reply, knowing that Derek had feelings for Meredith without him ever having to tell her that. _"Yes, yes of course. But I stand by what I told you after meeting her; that girl is a keeper."_

Derek rolled his eyes because his mother had never _actually_ met Meredith. She had simply made a video call to him while he was with Meredith and insisted on seeing who he was with. He hadn't wanted to do it, but Meredith was happy to 'meet' his mom, so it was two against one and it happened. They were at Joe's when she made that video call, and Meredith left with Izzie and George a few minutes later, leaving Derek with the knowing stare of his mother. He'd always denied her suspicions and told her they were only friends, but she knew better. She knew that he was crazy about her. Even if he didn't know it himself.

"Whatever, mom." He said in a light tone that he knew his mother would have scolded him for as a child. "That's not why I called."

Clearly he had spoken in a different, more transparent tone with that, because he could practically see the worry on her face through the phone when next she spoke.

" _Honey, what is it? What's wrong?"_

For a moment he thought that maybe this wasn't a good idea, but he knew he had to do it. His mom was always straight up with him, telling him what he needed to hear even when he didn't want to hear it. He hesitated before he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I did something. Something that maybe I shouldn't have done. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I'm not so sure." He didn't want to tell her what he did, because he knew she would give it to him, and he didn't like it when his mother told him he was wrong. He liked it even less when he knew he was wrong.

" _Derek baby, I'm going to need a little more information than that if I'm gonna help you."_ She chuckled nervously, increasing Derek's anxiety.

He sighed again and told her everything that happened. From Grace being brought to the hospital and slugging Mark, to what Addison said to Meredith and him having the chief take her off the case. While it felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest by saying it all out loud, he felt like another fifteen pounds had been added. He held his breath while he waited for his mother to say something, knowing she was probably mad at him for what he did.

She sighed. _"Derek you did what you had to do. I understand that. But maybe that wasn't your only option."_

Her words confused him. Of course it was his only option. What else could he have done?

As though she was reading his mind, she gave him a list of other things he could have done. _"You could have confronted Mark and Addison together or talked Dr. Webber into confronting them or you could have just told her the truth. This is Meredith you're talking about. You know that she would have understood. And even if she didn't, you know that she wouldn't have held it against you."_

"And now?"

" _What?"_

He needed her to tell him the truth. He needed to know if she thought he would be able to fix this, if Meredith would forgive him. "Do you think she'll hold this against me now?"

She was silent for a moment, and Derek wasn't sure he wanted to hear her answer.

" _I think that you need to talk to her, baby. She's your girl, she can't stay mad at you forever."_

Up until that last comment, he had followed her rather well. Apparently it didn't matter how many times he told his mom that wasn't what was going on with them, she always thought they were together.

"Mom, seriously, stop. We aren't together and she's not 'my girl.' She's my best friend."

" _You say that every time, Derek, and every time I don't believe you."_

Now he was starting to get mad. Was she just trying to pick at him now or did she actually think that this was real? No matter how many times he told her this she just never seemed to let it go. Standing up in frustration, he paced as he spoke.

"Mom, seriously! There is nothing going on with me and Meredith. She's my friend, I'm her friend. We hang out, we tell each other our secrets and we've gotten drunk together a few times. So what if our friendship doesn't seem like just a friendship to other people? Nothing has ever, or will ever happen between us! So please just accept that no matter how much I care about her, nothing is going on between us!"

" _Derek honey – "_

"No, mom. Just stop. I don't want to hear it! Who cares that I love her when she could never love me!?"

The words were out before he could stop them, not that he knew they were coming at all. He stopped moving as soon as he said it, realizing what just happened. Sitting back down on his bed, he couldn't muster up a single sentence. His mother, however, seemed to know exactly what to say, as though she had been waiting for the day he would say those words.

" _I'm just gonna let you think on that. Give me a call if you need to talk, baby."_ And then she hung up. Derek dropped his phone on the bed next to him and ran a hand down his face, the other moving to his hair.

"Holy crap."

~0~

Derek didn't sleep that night. Not one bit. His mind wouldn't stop racing. He hadn't meant to say it, but he did. It just came out, like he had said that word regarding his best friend a thousand times before. He knew that he had feelings for her, but he never thought that he loved her. Had he really said that? To his mother? Did he really make that confession, say that word? But his biggest question is, did he really mean it?

~0~

Meredith was tired. She slept, but she didn't get any rest. She tossed and turned all night, only half asleep. She woke up before her alarm, so she went to the hospital early in hopes of getting on a good case that would distract her from all the crap going on in her life. But instead, she got called into the chief's office. She didn't know how he figured out she was there early, but something told her this wasn't anything good.

"Take a seat Meredith, I need to talk to you."

Choosing to stay standing, Dr. Webber sighed and avoided eye contact with her. Crossing her arms over her chest, Meredith prepared herself for whatever bad thing he was about to say.

"Meredith, it's been brought to my attention that, well, you aren't as focused as you could be. And I know that you have a lot going on right now and that you're stressed, but I think that – "

"Dr. Bailey told you to keep me out of the OR, right?"

Folding his hands on his desk, Dr. Webber had a frown accompanied by a creased brow. She knew she was right without him having to answer her. He opened his mouth to respond but closed it again and nodded instead. Without even saying anything, Meredith dropped her arms to her sides and walked out of the office, slamming the door behind her. She knew it was immature and unnecessary, but it was the only way to express how she felt without getting herself suspended from work.

Knowing there was no point in trying to find a case in the ER, she stormed off to the locker room to wait for her assignment, though it was probably going to be charts or scut work.

On her way there, she passed Derek. She slowed down, knowing she had time to talk to him before she had to be ready for rounds. Besides, she wanted to continue their conversation from the previous night. But as she tried to stop him, he looked at his feet and sped past her. This pissed her off slightly, but she figured she would just corner him later to talk.

Arriving at the locker room, she checked her watch to see how long she had until Dr. Bailey would be coming around, and she still had ten to fifteen minutes. There wasn't really anything to do, so she just sat down on the bench in front of her locker.

As people started piling in, George was the first of her friends to walk in. Izzie wasn't with him, so they must not have carpooled today. He smiled at her before he pulled a granola bar out of his pocket and handed it to her. She took it reluctantly, and he gave her a funny look.

Sitting down next to her instead of opening his locker, he put a hand on her shoulder. "You okay?"

She nodded, but he could tell it wasn't sincere. "If you want to talk, you can come to me." She nodded again, only this time it was genuine. He put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick, slightly awkward squeeze, then stood up to open his locker.

All her other friends arrived, but she didn't talk to any of them. When Dr. Bailey finally walked in, she wasn't surprised to have been assigned to Dr. Burke's post-ops and charts for her when she was done that.

Flying out of the locker room, Meredith tuned out the rest of the world and made her way to find Dr. Burke.

~0~

Derek spent the day lost in his mind. He saw Meredith this morning and his heart practically jumped out of his chest. He knew that she would want to continue their conversation from yesterday, but he couldn't do it. Not after what he said to his mother. He was freaking out all day.

They had determined that Grace was ready for surgery, that her rough patch was just stress, and they had her on the board for tomorrow at twelve-thirty. They didn't do much other than finalize their surgical plan and talk Grace through exactly what would happen.

When his shift was over, he was surprised when Mark stopped him to talk.

"Hey man, did you figure out that problem?"

It felt strange to confide in Mark after everything that had happened between them, but it also felt good, because it felt like old times. Shrugging his shoulders, he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. There was almost a discussion about it last night, but I was saved by the bell. Not that that matters, because I talked to my mom and said something I didn't know was true. I guess I'm just freaking out a little bit."

Mark gave him a look he had always gotten when he wanted to ask more but didn't want to push Derek. This look pushed him all on its own.

"I just… I don't want to do the wrong thing here, but it might already be too late for that."

Mark tilted his head, his eyes narrowing. "Can I ask you something?"

Derek was unsure about what he wanted to ask, knowing it might not be a good thing, but nodded his head anyway.

"That intern, Dr. Grey, she's the friend you were talking about, wasn't she?" Derek's stomach hit the floor, panic rising inside him. This is what Richard had been afraid of. He didn't know how Mark figured it out, but he wondered if Meredith had let something slip during their 'run in' yesterday. His silence must have told Mark he was right, because Mark nodded and chuckled. "Of course it is. I knew it."

"Knew what, exactly?" Derek knew what Mark was talking about, he just didn't want to admit it.

"You and Grey. You're _really good_ friends." Derek rolled his eyes at that comment but chose to ignore it. Mark knew he wasn't going to say anything about it and kept going. "Can I ask what you did that was so terrible?"

Derek thought about telling Mark what was going on, but he knew that would only put him in the bad books with the chief. But Mark always knew how to get what he wanted, and he gave Derek the look that always made him feel bad for not telling the truth.

"Alright fine." He looked around at the many nurses nearby, knowing they were listening. "Just not here." Mark nodded and they walked downstairs to stand outside the main doors, the cool air calming Derek's nerves slightly.

"So, Dr. Grey?" Mark asked, being pushy while trying to make it seem like he wasn't being pushy. Derek knew that the sooner he said it, the better he would feel, but he still wasn't sure. What if this only made things worse?

Sighing and deciding it couldn't possibly get any worse, he started talking. "Meredith and I, we're best friends. She's the absolute best friend I could ever ask for. But at the start of this case the chief came to me with some concerns, and I let them get into my head and freak me out. He had threatened, on multiple occasions, to remove Meredith from the case on behalf of those concerns. And I let his concerns get the best of me."

Obviously not following along, Mark urged him to continue and actually come out and say what happened. "So…?"

Taking a deep breath of the cool air, he detected the smell of flowers and car gas. It wasn't the most pleasant combination, but he'd experienced worse. While the scent of the flowers made him question why he was about to do this, the gas made him buck up and just say it.

"it was probably one of the hardest – and maybe stupidest – things I've ever done, but…"

"But?"

"I told Richard to fire Meredith from the case. I admit that maybe I didn't fully think it through, but it was my fault. I'm the reason why she got taken off the case." He released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and swallowed hard.

"You what?"

Turning around so fast he almost fell over, all the air left Derek's lungs when his eyes met Meredith's.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

 **A/N: Sorry about last chapter's cliff hanger. The chapter would have been WAY too long if I'd kept going. This should make up for it though.**

 ***Quick message for** _ **Patsy:**_ **I know that you've been desperate for some real MerDer in this story, so I hope that this chapter is at least satisfactory for you***

Derek was frozen. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't breathe. Meredith's eyes bore into him and he felt like the world had just come crashing down around him. She had spoken before about her life falling apart, but this felt worse than that ever could. This felt like the _world_ was falling apart. And just like that could only happen once, Derek felt like anything he ever had with Meredith was completely over.

"Derek!?"

Snapping out of his daze, Derek looked back at Meredith and heard Mark slowly back away. He wasn't even going to try and get him to stay or ask him for help. He knew this was it. He knew this is what it came down to. After all the guilt and the fear, he had no choice to prolong the explanation. As much as he wanted to avoid this, he couldn't.

He finally found his voice, but it wasn't of much use because he couldn't form a single sentence properly. "I, well I, y-you see well I um – "

"You know what, forget it." Without another word, she turned and took off towards her car. Knowing what he needed to do even though he didn't want to do it, Derek sped after her while hesitation gnawed at the back of his brain. She moved surprisingly fast, so he caught up with her as she approached her car. Reaching out for her, he gently wrapped his hand around her upper arm to stop her from going any farther. Whirling around to face him, she yanked her arm away from him.

"Don't. Not until you tell me what the hell is going on." There was anger in her voice he didn't think he had ever heard. Not when she was ranting about her friends, when she was drunk and angry, and certainly never directed at him.

He hesitated again, but it wasn't intentional. He knew it was time to come clean, it was just a matter of how. He didn't want to just come out and say it, but he also didn't want to beat around the bush. That would just make it even worse.

Taking a deep breath, Derek tried not to think about the look in Meredith's eyes. She looked hurt, shocked, betrayed… Shaking it off, he ran a hand through his hair and looked at Meredith's forehead. He couldn't look her in the eye, and it was better than not looking at her at all.

"Okay, I just need to know… Do you want to know everything, or just about what you heard?"

He knew it was a stupid question, that he had just admitted to there being way more to this than she heard. The look on her face was answer enough, and he knew he had to tell her everything. He just didn't want it to seem like he was trying to blame this on Richard. Because even though he was the one to have her taken off the case, it was Richard's threats that lead him to it. His words burrowed into Derek's head, and they stayed there. That's what he hated so much about this; if he hadn't let the chief's words bother him so much, perhaps they would not even be having this conversation.

Taking a breath, Derek told her what had been happening over the last little while. "It all started when you were introduced as the intern on the case. Richard told me that we couldn't be friends while we were on this case together. He said something about not wanting anyone to get the wrong idea, especially with all those gossiping nurses. For days he was telling me to be professional and he kept giving me these looks that had a 'back off' sort of vibe."

"I'm sorry but what exactly does this have to do with what you did?"

Derek nodded his head, knowing she was impatient with him right now. "I'm getting there. So, with the amount of times he told me to be professional and not to talk to you, he started getting into my head. I didn't know what to do because he threatened to remove you from the case if I didn't listen to him, and I absolutely did not want that, and – "

"I'm sorry but if you didn't want that then why did you tell him to fire me from the case?" she cut him off, clearly no more patient or any less frustrated than she was a few moments ago. Then again, she never had been all that patient when she was upset.

"I know just, give me a minute. Everything he said to me stayed on a loop in my head and I didn't know what to do. I thought that he was just being a crazy old man who was being unnecessarily paranoid. But then I became paranoid. I let what he said get to me, and then I started overthinking everything."

Taking a minute to swallow past the lump in his throat, Meredith took the opportunity to speak, and her voice shook when she did. "So you're telling me that you did this because you were confused, a-and a little overwhelmed?"

Derek shook his head, hands shaking at his sides. "I honestly don't know. I thought about what he had been saying and then when I found out about what happened between you and Addison I just snapped. I was so angry and I just, I felt like this fire was burning inside of me and-and it wasn't until then that I understood what Richard was talking about."

Taking a step toward him she flung her arms up and didn't fight the slight tremble in her voice as she raised it when she spoke.

"And what, Derek, am I supposed to thank you? Am I supposed to be glad that you felt the need to 'stick up for me' after hearing about it? Because if that's what you want then you can just forget it, because there is no way in hell that is going to happen." She moved to walk up to the side of her car and open the door, but Derek followed her, so she stopped. This was not going well, and he knew that, not that he had expected it to. In fact, he was surprised she wasn't full out screaming at him.

"Look I know what I did was terrible and that you deserve to be on this case more than anyone, but I didn't know what else to do." She stayed silent and he had to think about what he would say next. He didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing, not there was really any way to make this any worse. "I just, I finally knew what he was so worried about and I tried, I did try, Meredith, to ignore it and just go with it but… It obviously didn't work because here we are. I couldn't take myself off the case because no one else in this hospital would be able to handle it."

That was a poor choice of words, and he regretted them the minute Meredith spoke.

"You have _got_ to be _kidding_ me! So what this is coming down to is the fact that you were more important to this case than me? Because if you think that I don't know that, I do! I know that I'm just an intern and that I am at the bottom of the surgical food chain, but that doesn't make me any less worthy."

Taking a step forward, he quickly ran a hand down his face and spoke louder and his voice was harsher than he meant to. "No, it was not about that. You have never been 'just an intern' to me and you know that! This was the hardest thing I have ever done but I did it because I thought it was my only option. I couldn't stand in the same room as Addison without thinking about what she said to you and the entire time I wanted to do nothing more than come to you. But I knew I couldn't do that because Richard's voice was in the back of my head telling me to 'be professional.' I wouldn't have been able to continue the case with you there and be okay with the way Addison looked at you or thinking about what she said. I knew that I would go crazy and wouldn't be able to make it through the rest of the case without snapping. I did it because I – "

"If you say, 'because I care about you' I swear I will punch you in the stomach so hard it will give you a hernia!"

Derek shut his mouth because he knew she would do it. Apparently this wasn't what she wanted either, because she pulled open her car door rather violently at his silence. Having not opened it wide enough to slip inside the car, Derek slammed his open hand against it and pushed the door closed. She glared at him, her gaze piercing daggers into him.

"Unless you have anything else to say, move your hand get the hell out of my way so I can go home."

Having more to say, he kept his hand where it was. He didn't know what he wanted to say, but he knew he wasn't ready for her to leave. He couldn't let her leave with things like this. He thought about what his mother had said to him, that she couldn't stay mad at him forever. But as much as he wanted to believe that, he didn't think it was true. This sent a wave of nausea over him, not able to think about life without her.

Speaking in a much calmer, softer tone, Derek tried once again to explain why he did what he did. "Look, I know that you're pissed and that you don't understand why I did it, but it had nothing to do with you; it was all me. I asked Richard to follow through on his threat because I knew that I wouldn't be able to contain my anger. And that is exactly what he was worried about. He knew that things could go wrong in so many different ways, and by the time I figured it out too, I was so lost that I didn't know what else to do. I thought I was doing the right thing because of everything the chief said, but I wasn't. And I know that."

Meredith shook her head and Derek could see tears in her eyes. She cried sometimes when she was angry, and that only made him want to reach out to her more, but he couldn't. The sight of the tears made his eyes sting with them too. He blinked them away, but Meredith's eyes remained glazed over, though the tears did not fall.

"You know what, Derek? I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had gotten the wrong idea, heard the conversation incorrectly or interpreted it the wrong way, but I guess not. Maybe you mean it when you say that you regret it and that it was a terrible choice, your hands tied when you made the decision. But even though I know you better than anyone in the world, I can't tell anymore. And the fact that I can't tell worries me. Because if I don't know when you're being honest and sincere anymore, how can I trust anything you say ever again?"

There was a moment of silence where neither of them said anything. Derek didn't know what to say and he was afraid of what she would say next, afraid that she would close herself off and never speak to him again. She closed her eyes and she kept them closed while she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

They stood there silently, as though time had stopped briefly to allow them this moment to figure things out. That moment ended when she shoved his hand off her car door and opened it back up, slipping inside. Stepping around to the other side of the door, Derek held the door open to keep her from leaving.

"Derek, stop it. Let me go." She spoke without looking at him, and Derek could feel his heart beating dangerously fast. For once, it wasn't wet or raining, so he got down on his knees and sat himself between the door and Meredith's seat. He took her hand in his, knowing she would probably yank it away at the contact. When she didn't, he spoke again.

"Meredith, I am so, so, so sorry. I know I can't take back what it did, but you need to know that I thought I was doing the right thing, because I thought there were no other options. I know that you may never forgive me or that you might not understand why, but I need you to hear me when I say that I am sorry. Because I am. I feel horrible, and I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did, and I know that now. So please. Please believe me when I say I'm sorry."

Meredith was silent for a few moments, and Derek didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. She hadn't pulled her hand away, so he hoped that it was good. A glimmer of hope lit inside him, his heart skipping a beat. But that feeling was extinguished when she slid her hand away from his and brushed some hair out of her face. She did not look at him when she spoke, and he knew that this was it. Even if he wasn't consciously aware of it, he knew.

"Just leave me alone, Derek. Please. Don't talk to me, and don't talk to any of my friends for some sort of update or to convince them to convince me to see you."

He stood up and latched on to the door. He gave it a death grip, but it wasn't because he was mad. It was because he was trying not to cry or scream or tell himself he'd made a choice that ruined his life. Unable to accept what she was saying, he shook his head. "No, Mer. Please. I'm sorry. I'm unbelievably sorry. I'm sorry that I screwed up. I am as sorry as ten times ten to the power of four…"

For a split second when he saw Meredith hold her breath, he thought that she might forgive him, that she might be willing to talk about it. But when she reached up and pushed his hand off the car, closed the door and started her car, he knew that wouldn't happen. She sped out of her parking spot and took off without looking back. Thunder roared in the distance, as though it was mimicking how he felt. He couldn't move, and there was a flash of lightning followed by another roll of thunder. He only stood there for a few seconds before he dashed for his car. He couldn't let things end this way, and though he knew this would only piss her off even more, he pulled out of his parking spot and started on the familiar and memorized short cut to her house. Even though he didn't know what he would do or say, he knew that he couldn't leave things like this.

Heart beating out of his chest, Derek allowed the tears that previously stung his eyes to escape, getting them out of his system. He tried not to think about what just happened and focused on everything his mother had said to him. He had hoped it would distract him or make him feel better when in actuality, it made him feel worse.

~0~

Arriving at Meredith's house mere seconds after her, he jumped out of his car and followed her up the front steps. She heard him behind her but ignored him, not wanting to discuss this any further. Just as she reached for the door, Derek took hold of her wrist. Once again, she whipped around, and her eyes were stone cold. "Seriously, Derek? Let go of me and go home!"

Derek let go of her but didn't make the move to leave. Instead, he shuffled around her and stretched out his arm, putting it between her and the door. She glanced at his arm and glared, but she didn't say anything.

"Look, I know I screwed up, okay I get that. But no matter how badly I messed up I can't leave things like this."

Meredith shook her head and laughed, but it was dry and bitter rather than the joyful sound he was used to hearing. When she spoke there was a certain element of venom to it that he didn't like the sound of. It didn't sound right coming from her. "And what am I supposed to do, Derek? Do you want me to forgive you? Say that it's okay and that I understand? Because if that is what you're waiting to hear from me it isn't going to happen."

"I know that, I do. I just need to know that this is isn't over, that this isn't all that's left."

"All that's left of what!?" she yelled. Derek winced slightly, but he knew why she was yelling. She was completely fed up with him right now, but he couldn't say what was on the tip of his tongue. It was right there, ready to be said, but he just couldn't. He'd said it before, but that was different. He couldn't tell her that he didn't want this to be the end of them, because there was no 'them.' He had thought about it and he truly did love her, he just realized it at a very inopportune time. There was nothing he could do or say now that would make this any better.

"Derek." She spoke softer this time, but her voice wasn't any less harsh. It sent a chill down Derek's spine, and it wasn't the good kind. He looked into her eyes and he saw tears glistening in them again. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Shaking her head as a tear escaped, she laid her hand on his arm. For a moment he thought that she was going to tell him it was all right and that they'd figure this out, or that maybe she wouldn't say anything at all and just step inside the house and talk to him in a few days, or perhaps even bring him inside to actually talk about this rather than continue to yell at him. Anything he thought though, was wrong.

"Fine. Forget it." She pushed his arm down and in the few seconds that he was distracted by it, she slipped inside. The shades on the clear glass door were open, so he could see inside. She turned and locked the door so that he couldn't follow her, the temptation there regardless.

He let out a shaky breath and stepped right up to the glass. He brought up his hand and pressed it against the door. Meredith stood on the other side and stared at him. Knowing she would be able to hear him, he spoke again.

"Please, Meredith. I know you may not be able to forgive me, but I need to know this isn't it. This can't be the end. It can't be over just like that. You are my _best_ friend, and I need you."

She shook her head again and wrapped her arms around herself. The tears were now a constant stream flowing from her eyes, and he felt tears of his own stinging his eyes and blurring his vision.

She took a step forward and looked into his eyes through the glass. "This can't be the end." he said again, his voice cracking as he spoke. Meredith took a deep breath and let her arms fall to her sides. With an empty look in her eyes, she spoke in a soft, defeated voice.

"Then how come it is?"

She closed the shades on the door, and Derek was left looking at his own reflection. He released a desperate sigh and leaned his forehead against the glass. Not caring anymore, he let the tears fall. He squeezed his eyes shut, and his hand slid down the door. "Meredith."

Nothing.

"Meredith please." His voice broke, and a small sob escaped his mouth. There was no reply.

On the other side of the door, Meredith was leaning back against the shades. She could hear Derek talking and thought she heard him crying, but she couldn't focus on anything but the sound of blood rushing through her ears and her pounding pulse.

She shook with the sobs she didn't want him to hear, hand over her mouth and eyes clenched shut. After a few seconds, she pushed herself away from the door and ran upstairs, unbeknownst to Derek on the other side.

Still leaning against the door, there was another crack of thunder. The sound made Derek jump, but he stayed where he was. With a flash of lightning, the words that sat on the tip of his tongue slipped out. Only this time it wasn't by accident. And as the sky opened up and it began to pour, Derek let the words come out.

"I love you, Meredith. That's why this can't be over. Because I love you."

He stood there waiting for her to say something, anything. But she never did.

Pulling away from the door, Derek ran a hand down his face. He was tempted to grab the spare key from where he knew it was hidden in the flower pot on the ground next to him, but he didn't. Taking a step back, he finally turned around and walked out into the rain, shivering at how cold it was.

He opened the door to his car and looked back at the house. He paused for a moment, trying to decide if this was the right thing to do, to leave. Shaking his head, he knew it was already too late to do the right thing.

Getting in the car, he pulled out of the driveway and drove off down the road. He didn't want to go home, but he didn't know where else to go. He didn't want to be around people, but he couldn't be by himself. His mind would attack him, eat away at his heart.

When the rain got too heavy and the lightning too frequent, he pulled over, knowing it wasn't safe to drive anymore.

Glancing at his phone, he picked it up and hesitated before dialling the number. The ringing stopped after only two rings and he heard the voice of his mother greet him.

" _Hey baby, what's up?"_

Allowing all his feelings to burst out of him, Derek's tears flowed out of him. He was rarely this vulnerable or open with his feelings, so it was clear that he was hurting beyond belief.

"Mom, I really messed up."

She panicked slightly at the sadness and devastation she heard in his voice. _"Derek honey what happened?"_

Running a hand through his hair – he'd been doing a lot of that lately – he gained enough control of himself that she would be able to understand him when he told her what was wrong.

"I lost her, mom. I think I lost her for good."

 **A/N: Hopefully y'all enjoyed this chapter. I'll be back with another one soon.**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

 **A/N: Heyo! Sorry if this one didn't come fast enough, but I think you'll still like it.**

Meredith cocooned herself up in her big cozy duvet, but it wasn't doing much to comfort her. A storm was moving in and the thunder cracked loudly, the rain pouring heavily on the roof above her. She cried until she had no tears left to cry and started to just sob uncontrollably. She wasn't normally like this, this vulnerable, but she had trusted Derek. She trusted him more than she trusted herself sometimes. She knew he had been acting strange over the last few days, but she never imagined the cause was something like this. As the thunder continued to crash and lightning filled the sky, she poured her heart out to the blackness of her lonely bedroom until she fell asleep, the sound of the rain lulling her to sleep.

When she woke up the next morning, she was tangled in the duvet and her face felt swollen and puffy. She looked at the clock and it was four thirty. Her alarm would go off in half an hour and she would have to go to work. That meant she would have to get up and go see everyone at the hospital, Cristina, and Derek. The thought made her want to start crying all over again, but she didn't have any tears left to cry.

Deciding she was going to avoid her problems instead of face them, she turned off her alarm and went downstairs to leave a note for Izzie to tell her to tell Dr. Bailey she was sick and not coming to work today.

On her way down, she tried to be as quiet as possible, as not to wake anyone up, but it was too late because Izzie and George were both already up. They were in the kitchen and when she turned around to flee back upstairs, the step she was on creaked and their heads turned in her direction. To her dismay, Izzie saw her.

"Hey Mer, we made coffee if you want some for the go, we're both heading in early."

Heading the rest of the way down the stairs, she tried not to let it show on her face that something was wrong. The last thing she needed was for Izzie to shoot her a million questions and try to get up in her business.

"Um. No thanks. I'm actually not feeling very well so I was gonna call in sick to work."

Izzie gave her a strange look and opened her mouth to say something, but George laid a hand on her shoulder to stop her. She gave him a dirty look out the corner of her eye but didn't say anything to him. She didn't say anything to Meredith either, she just walked out of the kitchen. George gave her a look that said he knew something was wrong, and he took a step towards her, resting a hand on her arm.

"Are you okay?"

Meredith thought about it for a moment and decided that she could tell George the truth. But instead of telling him what happened, she shook her head. He nodded and gave her a quick hug. She returned it half-heartedly and when he pulled away, he offered her a smile that she weakly returned. He moved to go after Izzie, but turned back to Meredith.

"If you decide you want to talk, you can come to me." Meredith nodded and he smiled again, then walked away. Just before she turned to go back upstairs, he reappeared in the doorway. "And I'll tell Bailey that you're down with a fever, don't worry about her."

Meredith smiled in thanks, and George left to join Izzie in the car. She stood where she was for a few more seconds, grateful for George. When she turned around and headed back upstairs, she planned on doing nothing more than to sleep all day.

~0~

Dragging himself to work the next morning, Derek was tempted not to go at all, but knew he had to because of Grace. Last night's storm didn't carry through to the morning, but it did leave behind the usual mist and fog clogging the air. The smell of freshness flooded his nose, but it didn't carry that refreshing quality it normally did, it just made his mind fuzzy. On his way to the hospital, he recalled the conversation he had with his mother the previous night.

" _I lost her, mom. I think I lost her for good."_

" _Oh dear. What happened, honey?"_

 _He shook his head and the tears fell freely down his face. He wanted to say it but it was so terrible that he couldn't get the words out._

" _Derek, baby, talk to me, please."_

 _Taking a minute to compose himself, Derek tried to think out what he would say, but then it just poured out of him, much like the rain that was pelting down on his car._

" _I told Meredith what happened, I told her what I did, and it completely blew up in my face. I just, I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her, but I think it was just a really terrible decision. Not just telling her, all of it. I never should have done this I totally just lost my best friend. And mom, I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I mean, she knows me better than I know myself and I can tell her everything and I messed up so bad that I don't think she'll ever speak to me again and I just don't know what to do…"_

 _Sensing the devastation in his voice, his mother made the comforting 'shh' sound that she always made when he was upset as a child. "Shh, Derek baby, you need to relax. I know this hurts and that you feel bad, but this will pass and things will get better."_

" _How do you know that, mom?" He took in a gasping breath, trying to keep the tears away. "How do you know that she'll ever forgive me? Because right now it really feels like I lost her and I'll never get her back."_

 _He could practically see the sympathetic but slightly disappointed look on her face. She was being supportive because he was his mom, but even though she didn't know the entirety of the situation, he knew that he let her down. This only made him feel worse than he did before._

" _Look Derek, you can't take back what you did and you'll never be able to, but that doesn't mean you should mope around about it. I know you're upset and that you think this is the end of everything, but it will get better. And even if she can't forgive you, I know that she'll start talking to you again because you are best friends, and she can't be mad forever."_

 _Derek felt himself nod but wasn't conscious of the action. He knew his mom was right, but that didn't lessen the pain. If anything it made it worse, because when your mom was right it meant you were wrong, and in this case, he was terribly, horribly, inexplicably wrong._

" _Yeah, thanks mom. I'll give you a call later, okay?"_

" _Okay baby. I love you."_

" _Love you too, mom." He hung up the phone and slid it into his pocket before running a hand through his hair, momentarily leaning his forehead against the steering wheel. Sitting back up, he wiped at his face and sniffed a few times, then steered his car back onto the road and drove the rest of the way home, rain continuing to pour down onto his windshield._

Without even realizing it, Derek had pulled into the parking lot at the hospital. He pulled the keys out of the ignition and glanced around. The parking lot was relatively full considering the early hour, and Derek practically had to throw himself out of the car to get to work.

As he walked through the front doors, Mark came up beside him. He was silent for a few seconds before they stopped to wait for the elevator and he looked at Derek out the corner of his eye. Derek prayed that he would keep his mouth shut, but of course being Mark, he didn't.

"So… last night. How did that – "

"Don't, Mark. Just don't. Seriously."

"Okay…" he trailed off, stepping into the elevator, Derek following him.

They were the only two in the elevator, so even though Derek told Mark not to say anything, he did. "Look man, I know that whatever happened last night was probably bad, but – "

"Mark, stop it! I told you, just forget it!"

Mark turned to face him and flung his hands up in frustration. "Dude come on. Stop pouting and tell me what the hell happened. You're clearly wigging out about it and you know you can talk to me."

Turning to him, the rage burning in his eyes, Derek lost it. "Mark, drop it, I'm serious. It's none of your business and I don't want to talk about it! Just shut up!"

"Okay look, I know that she's your friend and all, but you can't destroy yourself over this one little thing. She is one girl, one friend, in one chapter of your life. You'll get over it soon enough."

Taking a step towards him, Derek felt the same fire burning in his chest now that he felt that night he heard what Addison said to Meredith, and it wasn't likely that it would fizzle out any time soon. "You are completely missing the point, here, Mark. She isn't just 'one girl'. She is more important to me than any other friend I have, that I've ever had. She is one of the most important people in my life and I can't just get over the fact that she hates me now, in fact I don't think I will _ever_ be able to get over it. I can't just, I-I mean she's just… I can't – "

"Look Derek, I think you need to just get over it. Focus on work or something for now and you'll forget about her. I mean it's not like you haven't done anything like this before. There's been plenty of other girls you thought you would never get over or not be able to forget about, but you always managed to move on. Just think of her as one of them and you'll get over it.

It took everything Derek had in him not to shout at Mark, and he didn't even notice the elevator doors slide open as he spoke. "I swear to God man if you keep talking about her like this I will not hesitate to deck you like I did when you first got here."

The sound of someone clearing their throat made Derek take a step back and turn his head. And of course it just so happened to be Richard that was standing there. Letting out a sigh, Derek ran a hand down his face, knowing that he was in for it, again. All Richard managed to do was open his mouth to start the lecture, when Derek interjected.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll meet you in your office in five minutes."

Striding out of the elevator, Derek avoided the strange gazes he was getting from other people that were standing around as he made his way to the stairwell to make his way downstairs where the chief's office was. On his way down the hall, he passed George and Dr. Bailey, and overheard a conversation that worried him.

"…she has a fever and she's exhausted and she felt really nauseous when I left the house this morning. She didn't look too good either…" Derek didn't need George to say Meredith's name for him to know that it was her he was talking about, and not Izzie. He also knew that she rarely got sick, so it was clear that George was lying for her. He knew it had something to do with what happened last night and wondered is she told anyone what happened.

Throwing himself down on the couch in the chief's office, Derek knew he was in for a lecture when Richard got there. Rubbing a hand across his forehead, Derek glanced at the clock on the wall. It was early, and there was still a long way to go until Grace's surgery. If he was honest, he would be lucky if he even made it that far. If Richard didn't chew him out completely, he would probably fall apart before he made it to the surgery.

Jumping slightly when Richard walked in and slammed the door behind him, Derek stood up and wrapped one of his arms around himself and threw the other one up in a defensive manner.

"Okay look, I know I was out of line when I said what I said, and you don't need me to go around hitting anybody again, but I had a rough night and Mark kept pushing me to talk about it even though I didn't want to. I'm sorry and I promise that I won't hit him again."

Rather than the stern look he thought he was going to get, Derek was presented with a sympathetic look and a sigh. "Derek, I know that this was about Meredith. I'm not going to ask what sparked the argument or what it was really about, but I am going to tell you this; you and Meredith will work it out, so don't worry about anything. And please, please don't do anything that will give me the grounds to fire you."

Derek nodded, slightly surprised by what Richard said, and stalked out of the office.

~0~

The morning flew by and before he knew it, Derek was scrubbing in for Grace's surgery, Mark and Cristina on either side of him. Addison was in the OR with Grace, talking her through everything once more and keeping her calm, Richard off to the side as he had promised Grace he would stay with her. As soon as they had completed the C-section, Frankie would be quickly and carefully brought to the OR next door for Mark and Derek to start their part in this. Cristina would be in with Addison and would be the one to bring Frankie to Derek and Mark, then go back and assist Addison until she was told to come to the guys.

Upon Cristina's exit from the scrub room, Mark eyed Derek, who ignored the look he was getting until Mark started speaking. "So, this morning – "

"I am going to stop you right there Mark, because I really don't want to be fired and I will be if you don't shut your mouth right now."

The tone in his voice clearly told Mark that he needed to back off, because he didn't say anything else, just turned off the sink and shook out his hands. Derek did the same thing, seconds behind Mark. Walking in to the OR, he made his best attempt at sweeping all thoughts of Meredith from his mind.

~0~

Meredith spent the day roaming around the house as though she had never been inside of it before now. There wasn't anything much to do, and she couldn't leave and risk being seen by someone from the hospital who would rat her out for pretending to be sick. Around eleven thirty she ventured up to the attic and started looking through some her mom's boxes. She opened one with some of her old diaries inside and flipped through the pages, looking for something interesting. When she found nothing, she picked up another one and opened it up to a random page in the middle. The words written across the top caught her eye, so she leaned back and read through the entry.

 _He's gone. He left me. I thought he would always be here, that we would always be together from now on, but I was wrong. He left when things got difficult, because he was too afraid to fight for us. He told me he loved me and I believed him, because I loved him too. I still do. I left Thatcher for him, but he couldn't man up enough to leave Adele for me. I believed everything Richard ever said to me, up until he turned around and walked away from me without looking back. Now I'm left on my own with Meredith and I don't know what to do. But I know I'll figure it out, I always do. I should have known he would give up, because the carousel never stops turning._

Meredith threw the small leather-bound book on the ground and ran a hand through her unbrushed hair, the other moving to wipe the tears off her face. It wasn't the emotions that her mother spilled onto the page that had gotten to her, it was what she said about Richard leaving when things got difficult. It made her think of what Derek said to her last night about how it couldn't be then end of things, that this couldn't be over. She wanted him to be right, she didn't want things to be over because of one stupid mistake, but it wasn't just one mistake to her. The way she felt about what happened is similar to the feelings Ellis expressed on these pages, but there was one thing she had to disagree with, in her case.

Because the carousel had definitely stopped turning, and she didn't think there was a way to get it going again.

 **A/N: So even if it doesn't look like it I'm actually starting to bring this story to an end. There will still be multiple chapters, five or six if my planning goes accurately with my writing. Just be prepared for this to end soon. I promise the end will be worth it, even if updates take a while. Until next time!**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Four and half hours, two close calls and one panicked Addison later, Frankie and Grace were both recovering from their respective surgeries. Derek and Mark worked swiftly together, and despite the social tenseness, they were able to help one another and stay out of each other's way. Derek managed to keep Meredith out of his mind throughout the entirety of the surgery, so when he scrubbed out and was stuck in a room with Cristina, his mind was instantly flooded with thoughts of her. He hadn't realized Cristina was talking until she whipped off her scrub cap and began making huge gestures with her arms.

"…I mean it was incredible! You guys worked around each other perfectly and assisted each other in ways I have never experienced first hand. You two are insane! Thank you so much for getting me on this case, Derek, seriously, thank you."

Snapping at her without thinking about it, Derek somewhat regretted the words that came out of his mouth. "Meredith was supposed to be the intern on this case. Besides, I didn't have a say in who her replacement was." The look on Cristina's face said she was stunned by what he said, but he didn't bother trying to apologize to her. He just whirled around and fled the scrub room, leaving a dazed Cristina behind him.

~0~

Sitting in the lobby at the end of his shift, Derek was trying to decide if this was the right thing to do. He wasn't sure if Meredith had told anyone about what happened, but he wanted her to know that he was checking in, even if she didn't want him to.

Seeing George walking towards the doors, he stood up and quickly made his way over to him, trying to be as nonchalant as he could.

George gave him a quizzical look as he approached but smiled nonetheless. Derek took this a sign that Meredith didn't tell him anything and decided to go for it. "Hey, um, I didn't see Meredith today. Is she okay?"

George tensed up at his words, and he knew he was right; Meredith isn't really sick.

"Uh y-yeah, why wouldn't she be?"

He shook his head and kept his gaze forward as he spoke. "Well it's just that I know she doesn't have today off and she practically never gets sick but I didn't see her at all today, so I was a little worried and just wanted to check in."

George avoided his gaze and Derek knew he was right this morning. "You know, just tell her that I checked in, okay?"

George nodded without saying anything and Derek stopped, allowing him to speed away. He watched after the younger man and wondered what it was about him that made George so skittish when he was around, but he shrugged it off and headed home.

~0~

The next day Meredith knew she couldn't avoid work anymore, so she rolled out of bed early and dragged herself to the hospital before George and Izzie had the chance to stop her from leaving without them.

She hoped that she wouldn't have any run-ins with Derek, Addison or Mark, and she was lucky enough to make it to the locker room without coming across any of them. She was also trying to avoid the chief, so there was a lot in her way today, and it was still very early.

When Dr. Bailey finally came around with assignments she was still being kept out of the OR, so she was assigned to Dr. Burke's post-ops again. She didn't mind it all that much this time though, because it lowered her chances of running in to one of the many people she was avoiding.

On her way to the CICU to meet up with Dr. Burke and get all the charts she needed, she passed Addison but was lucky enough that she didn't say anything, and she didn't see anyone else on her way there. She felt a twist in her stomach at the sight of the redhead though, the memory of what she said to her coming back into her mind, forcing thoughts of Derek there too. She shuddered at the thought of everything he said to her the other night, and nearly walked right into Dr. Burke.

"Dr. Grey, I see I've got you on my post-ops again."

Meredith nodded breathlessly, and Dr. Burke handed her a pile of charts. "There will be two more of these waiting for you after lunch at the nurses' station around the corner. I expect all of them to be finished by the end of the day, monitoring all of these patients as well."

She nodded again and he left without saying anything. Glancing down at the stack of binders in her arms, she sighed, knowing that today would be a very long day.

~0~

Derek checked in on Frankie and Grace as soon as he got to the hospital that morning. It was number one on his list of priorities – work related priorities, that is. Number one on his actual list of priorities was Meredith. Not fixing things with her, not checking in on her, just Meredith.

He knew before he even got to work that she was going to be avoiding him, if she came to work at all. When he came to see Grace, Addison was there, and she said something about seeing Meredith not looking too well, so that worried him a little. _At least she's here,_ he thought. It was a good thing that she wasn't still hiding away, but he knew that there was a very low chance of running into her today. She would be on high alert to make sure that that didn't happen.

Back on all his old cases, and whatever new ones came in, Derek had much more to distract himself with for the day. There was nothing major on his schedule, just checking in with any post-op patients that were still in the hospital, and a few new patients to meet with. The morning flew by in a daze, and when he walked into the cafeteria at lunch, everything was fuzzy. All the sounds from the room blended together to form a mess of noise, none of what he was hearing being significant to him. What he saw was blurry, as though he had tears in his eyes, but he didn't. Colours fazed together to create a blur in front of him, and he felt slightly off balance.

Jumping slightly when a hand was placed on his shoulder, Derek turned to see Alex at his side. It was strange, considering they didn't usually have much one on one interaction with each other. Their connection was limited to group hang outs and work. When Alex spoke, he had to shake his head to pull himself out of his mind. Whatever he had said, Derek didn't hear it.

"What?" he said weakly, blinking hard to clear his vision; it worked, colours falling back into the themselves once again.

"You alright? You look weird."

Derek shook his head again and took a small step back. "No. I mean yeah, I-I'm good."

Alex gave him a look that said he didn't quite believe him, but he didn't say anything about it and walked away, heading for the table where George, Izzie, and Cristina were sitting across the room. Shaking his head once more, Derek turned around and walked out of the cafeteria, passing Mark on his way. He ignored him, not in the mood for anything he might have to say.

He started walking around the halls, no real destination in mind, when he came across Dr. Webber.

"Derek, I meant to talk to you this morning, I – "

"No offense, but I'm really not in the mood for any sort of lecture or – "

Putting his hand up in the air between them to stop Derek from talking, Richard cut him off. "I'm not here to give you a lecture, Shepherd, so shut up and listen," Derek knew better than to keep talking, so he waited to hear what Richard had to say. "Sloan and Montgomery will be leaving three days from today. I thought you would like to know."

As glad as he was that they were leaving, Derek was still worried about Grace and Frankie. As though Webber was reading his mind, he told Derek what would happen next with them

"Grace and Frankie will be monitored constantly until Sloan and Montgomery leave, and after they're gone I will have someone keeping an eye on them for another week or so before sending them home. I have full confidence that they will both be fine to go home by then, if not sooner."

Derek nodded, and Richard walked away. Checking his watch, Derek noted that he still had forty-five minutes left in his break, but he wasn't hungry. Deciding to just keep wandering, he somehow found his way to the third floor without making the conscious decision to go there.

Circling the halls of the third floor, Derek froze in his place when he saw Meredith down the hall. Her back was to him, but he didn't need to see her face to know that it was Meredith. Not knowing what to do, he stood there, frozen, unable to move. He prayed that Meredith wouldn't turn around and see him, but at the same time he wanted her to know that he was concerned and wanted to make sure she was okay.

Just when he decided to leave without her ever knowing he was standing there, she turned around. She started down the hallway towards him, hands full of charts. She didn't notice him right away, but when she did she froze too, dropping a few of the binders from her stack – she didn't seem to notice. Derek planted a foot down a few inches forward, but he didn't follow through with the stride. Even from a distance he could tell that she wanted to take a step back when he did this, but she didn't, paralyzed.

He stood still for a few more seconds, then walked over to her, his only intentions being to pick up the charts she dropped. Clearly not able to do so much as move a hand, she stayed where she was, up until the moment he was right in front of her, holding out the charts that had fallen from her pile. She didn't do anything to accept them, so he just set them down on top of the other ones she was holding. He tried to offer her a smile, but it wouldn't take form. So they just stood like that for a few minutes, staring at each other, unable to speak, but not capable of walking away.

Taking in a deep breath, Derek took the first step in the conversation. "So um, I noticed you weren't here yesterday, and George said you weren't feeling well. Are you okay?"

Receiving not so much as a blink from her, Derek shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He slid his hands into the pockets of his lab coat and sighed. Memories from the other night came flooding back to him, and he wondered if the reason she wasn't saying anything to him had something to do with the confession he'd made before he left. He knew that those words were likely to have freaked her out, so now he was freaking out slightly too. His breath got caught in his throat and he coughed.

"Do you want to maybe, um, go somewhere and talk?"

Her eyes scanned him, and he wondered for a second if she would say yes. That hope was short lived, however, for when she did finally speak it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Deep down he wasn't really surprised by her response, but her words still stung beyond verbal explanation.

"I don't want to talk to you, Derek. Not here and not now, not anywhere ever."

She shuffled the charts in her arms before she sped off down the hall, leaving Derek to stand by himself, surrounded by the rush of people that eyed him curiously. Pulling his hands out of his pockets and running one of them down his face, he sighed and turned around, watching her retreating back rush down the hallway.

~0~

Stepping into the cafeteria almost half an hour after her break had started, Meredith found the table where Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George were sitting. She silently pulled up a chair between Alex and Cristina, not even listening to the conversation she had stepped in to.

She wasn't hungry, so she just sat with them, until one by one, they had to leave. When it was down to just her and Alex, she was surprised to find him looking at her, a concerned look on his face. She scrunched her eyebrows, trying to figure out why he was looking at her like that.

"What's your problem?" she asked, not hiding the fact that she was annoyed and slightly creeped out by his intense stare. He tore his gaze away from her and shook his head.

"Nothing, I just… you seem different. I know there's something wrong so there's no point in denying it. Something's wrong with Shepherd too. He was in here earlier and he looked like he was going to pass out."

Meredith's back straightened at the mention that there was something wrong with Derek. It worried her that he was apparently in such a state. This was probably clear on her face, as Alex dragged his chair closer to her and stretched his arm across the back of her chair.

"Look, you don't need to say anything, mostly because I don't want you to," he paused and waited to see if she was going to try to interrupt him, but she stayed quiet. He continued. "I don't know what happened between you two, but it's obvious that something did. I also know that whatever happened, it doesn't matter. You hate it when the rest of us make comments about the two of you, but it's only because we see something that you guys don't – "

"Alex," she warned, not wanting him to finish what he was saying, but he didn't care.

"No, stop talking," he told her in a bossy voice. She did. "I know you may not want to hear this, but since it's coming from me, you have to know that it's true – and you can't just accept what I say as the truth, you need to admit it yourself; you're in love with him. I can see it in the way you look at him. And even if you can't see it, he loves you. You can hear it in his voice when he says your name, the way his eyes light up when you walk in the room. Whatever happened, it's not forever. You two will get through it, because you love each other. And I know you might not be able to accept that, but it's the truth. We haven't just been teasing you for nothing. Whether you know it or not, you love him every bit as much as he loves you. Just give him a chance to prove it."

It was strange hearing such a sensitive stream of words coming out of Alex's mouth, considering the stone-cold front he usually had on. She found it slightly difficult to take him seriously, but he was right when he said that with this coming from him it was because he believed what he was saying; it wasn't just one of the usual quips coming from her friends.

Without waiting for a response from her, or saying anything else, he slid his chair back, stood, and walked away. Meredith gazed after him, and a few seconds passed before she spoke, making him turn around.

"Alex…" She didn't know what else to say, couldn't say anything at all. He waited for a few seconds, and when he received nothing but silence, his trademark evil spawn smirk appeared on his face.

"If you tell anyone about that mushy, lovey crap that came out of my mouth, I'll kick your ass."

She smiled softly and he, oddly enough, returned it before walking away. Turning back to the empty table, Meredith thought about what he said. Maybe he was right when he said that she and Derek loved each other, but the only way to find out was if she brought it up to him. She wanted to believe Alex when he said they would get through this, but she didn't know if love was enough to fix this.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Days went by without Meredith and Derek speaking to each other. They passed each other silently in the halls, though Meredith did her best to avoid him when she could. But when they did pass each other, it wasn't without a hurt and longing look from Derek. She tried not to make eye contact with him, because if she did she felt a twisting in her chest, a churning in her stomach, and a fuzziness in her head.

Then the day came when Addison and Mark left to go back to New York. Meredith was on her way to the locker room when she literally bumped into Mark. She mumbled an apology and shuffled around him, but he caught her wrist and pulled her back to him.

"What the hell do you want?"

He released her wrist and she glared up at him. "I know you don't like me, but can I talk to you for like, five minutes?"

She bit her tongue to keep from snapping at him, but a snide remark still made its way out. "Try five seconds."

Mark nodded his head and put his hands on her shoulders, but he pulled them away almost instantly when he saw the look on her face. "Okay, please just, I _really_ need to talk to you."

Meredith shifted her weight from foot to foot, contemplating what Mark was asking of her. She knew it couldn't do any harm, but that didn't make her any less hesitant. She considered the look in his eyes, and reluctantly nodded her head.

Mark smiled victoriously and nodded his head. "Great, come with me." He took hold of her wrist again, but it was gentler this time. She did nothing to fight his touch, too confused to do anything about it, and followed him.

~0~

Derek walked into the hospital with a newfound grace the morning Addison and Mark were leaving. Despite everything that was going on with Meredith, a weight was lifted off his shoulders with the knowledge that they would soon be in a different time zone.

This weight, however, was added back on the second he saw Meredith and Mark together as he was walking through the halls on his way to the attendings' lounge. He slowed to a stop to watch them down the hall. He couldn't hear them from where he was, but he didn't like the sight of them together. Mark's words from yesterday echoed in his head as he saw him grab her wrist and guide her off somewhere. _She's just one girl._

Meredith wasn't just one girl to him, but that's how Mark saw just about every girl. Fighting the urge to follow them, Derek tore his eyes away and continued on his way to the attendings' lounge, worrying about Meredith every step of the way.

~0~

Meredith wasn't sure why Mark wanted to talk to her. They'd barely spoken to each other since he got here, and now he was leaving. What could he possibly have to say to her, especially now?

She stayed silent as he lead her to an empty on-call room away from any nurses' stations. Either he'd learned that the nurses were the world's worst gossips, or her really didn't want any extra pairs of eyes watching them.

The grip he had on her wrist was gentle, but that didn't make it any less awkward. She'd heard the stories about Mark and his many ways from Derek, and she had a hard time figuring out what his motives were here. Still, she stayed quiet until they were behind a closed door, knowing he wouldn't answer any questions she had while they were out in the open.

Closing the door gently behind them, Mark released his grip on her wrist. Her skin was red where his hand had been, not because he was applying too much pressure, but because of how long his hand had been there.

He turned the lights on and Meredith gripped the strap of her messenger bag, nervous at their proximity and lack of other people. He seemed to notice this and stayed where he was against the door, while she backed up to sit down on the single cot that was pushed up against the wall. She looked up at him, waiting for him to talk, seeing as it was he who had been so insistent on this in the first place, but he didn't say anything.

"Are you going to tell me what was so important or are you just going to stand there?" She knew she sounded annoyed and impatient, but she was, so she was okay if her tone showed that. Mark sighed and took a small step towards her, but stopped at that, knowing it would only make her more uncomfortable if he came any closer.

"You and Derek are pretty tight, I know that. So I know that you've probably heard every nasty little thing I've done and why you should hate me just as much as Derek does – "

"Derek doesn't hate you." she interrupted. Not because she cared all that much about Mark or what he thought. But because she knew it was truth. Even though Mark had done some pretty bad things, and Derek wanted to – then did – punch him in the face, he had never said that he hated Mark.

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "What?"

She shrugged. "Derek doesn't hate you. I mean, he certainly doesn't like you that much, but he doesn't hate you either."

Mark nodded, not knowing what to say, and continued. "Anyway, I know you probably don't like me either, and you have no reason to listen to what I have to say, but there's something I think you should know about Derek."

Meredith rolled her eyes. This is something he could have told her anywhere. If he thought it was necessary for her to have privacy when she heard this, he was wrong. "I already know, Mark. I know Derek is the reason I got taken off the case. You don't need to tell me, and you don't need to try and protect my feelings or whatever it is you're doing."

Mark furrowed his brow with her words, though he didn't appear to be confused; he must know what happened. The look on his face told her that that isn't what he was going to tell her, though. "But that's not what you wanted to say, was it?"

He shook his head and Meredith groaned, but she didn't say anything. Taking her silence as his cue to keep going, Mark started speaking again. "I'm going to tell you what I actually pulled you in here to say, and you aren't going to interrupt me again. Got it?"

Meredith nodded and he sighed gratefully, then continued. "Okay, so, Derek. He uh, he did a bad thing. But he really did have good intentions, and that's because he cares about you. And I know that it may not seem like that right now, but because of you – "

"Please think through your next words carefully." she warned, not knowing where this sentence was going, though she didn't quite like it. She had watched Derek punch this man so heard he practically hit the floor; she wouldn't hesitate to do it too.

Mark put a hand up in the air, making a 'stop' gesture. "I told you no interrupting," he said shortly before continuing his own spiel. "As I was saying, because of you, Derek and I kind of worked things out. I wouldn't say we're friends again, but he seemed to be okay talking to me about this. And because of that, I like you. And because I like you, and I like Derek, I want you guys to work whatever this is out. I know that you're pissed, and I get that, but don't let this ruin… whatever it is that you two have going on. Because I can tell you that losing him sucks. A lot. Don't hold this against him forever, please. If there is anything I know from the amount of time that I've been here, it's that you two are solid, and you've got something special, whatever it may be. I know that I'll probably never see you again, but I don't want to leave knowing that you aren't going to forgive him."

Meredith didn't know what to say. She didn't know what she was expecting Mark to say, but that was definitely not where she thought this was going. Sitting there silently staring up at him, she was speechless. She knew that Mark wasn't a very emotional guy from the stories she'd heard, even the good ones, so she felt almost nothing but shock at his words – _almost_ nothing else. Along with the huge amounts of shock, she felt worry, anxiety, and a bizarre touch of those warm fuzzies you felt as a child when your parents are about to buy you cotton candy, the increasing heartrate that comes with talking to your crush for the first time, and the sweaty palms you get when you have to make a speech in front of the class. The look on his face told her that he had a feeling she would react with silence. It wasn't that she didn't care what he was saying, or that she wasn't listening, it was that he seemed to care so much about both her and Derek that he was willing to do this that baffled her.

Taking a step towards her, Mark nervously scratched the back of his head, looking as though he suddenly regretted what he said. Meredith stood up, clutching her messenger bag against her side.

"Look, I'm grateful that you seem to care so much about this, but it doesn't really concern you. I'm sorry if it seems like I don't care what you have to say, but nothing you're saying is helping the situation all that much."

Mark shook his head and took another step towards her, making sure to leave enough room between them that it wouldn't make her uncomfortable. "Okay I respect you and your decisions, but I really need you to take what I'm saying under consideration. He has been talking to me about this, opening up to me and telling me how freaked he is about losing you. Whether you see it or not whether you feel it or not there is – "

Setting her bag down on the floor beside her in frustration, Meredith brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm serious, Mark, leave it alone. You don't know anything about me, my friendship with Derek… you know nothing! So back off and leave it alone!"

Not willing to take any crap from her, and knowing the truth behind how Derek feels without him having to say the exact words, Mark snapped back at her.

"And I don't think you understand that I can see through all of your bullshit! I may not have been here very long and you're right, I don't know the first thing about you, but I do know Derek and I'm not blind. He has never been good at hiding his feelings but this time around he didn't even try to. And you, well, you don't seem to even know what your own feelings are, and if you do you just aren't accepting them. Anyone can see that you are lying to yourself and that you're lying to Derek. Don't make any of this harder than it needs to be."

Meredith opened her mouth to yell back at him, both of their voices having raised significantly, but nothing came out. She tried to speak, to tell him he had no idea what he was talking about, but she couldn't. Whether it was because she knew he was right or the fact that he was being so blunt about it that she was taken aback, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that there weren't any words forming in her mind, and this freaked her out. Why didn't she have anything to say? Why was she letting this get to her?

Mark smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. "That's what I thought." He said it without a hint of sarcasm, cockiness or anything that resembled his ginormous ego. Still unable to say anything, Meredith stood there frozen while Mark gave her a silent wave, turned around and walked out, closing the door behind him.

~0~

Mark and Addison met up with Richard before they left. They wanted to make sure that everything was okay with Grace and Frankie before they left, especially Addison. She came as early as she would have if she was still working at the hospital, wanting to get one final look that would make her comfortable enough to leave.

Their meeting was simple enough, just the typical run down of how they would keep in touch while Grace and Frankie were in the remainder of their recovery, payment, and what they would do if something happened to deteriorate either one of their conditions. It lasted maybe fifteen minutes, twenty tops, and by the end of it both Addison and Mark were okay with leaving.

On their way out of the hospital, Mark was thinking about his conversation – if you could even call it that – with Meredith. Addison could tell he was somewhat distracted, but she didn't say anything about it. Just before they reached the front doors, Mark thought of something he needed to tell Derek. He stopped, and Addison gave him a funny look.

"I'll um, I'll catch up with you in a minute."

Addison raised an eyebrow, clearly wanting to know what he was up to. "What's going on? Is there something you aren't telling me?"

Shaking his head, Mark took a few steps back to indicate this wasn't up for discussion and that he wasn't going to tell her anything. "There's just something I need to take care of before we leave. I won't be long, I promise. Just go ahead without me and I'll be there in a minute."

Addison looked at him with a gleam of hesitation in her eyes, but she stayed quiet and nodded her head, turning back towards the doors. Mark waited for her to be out of the building before he turned on his heel and sped off to find Derek.

~0~

It was still early, and Derek had been called for a consult in the ER after a hit and run that resulted in a head injury that was worrying the intern and resident who picked up the case. Clearing the patient and telling them to call him back down if there were any changes, he left to get back to a patient he had received before Grace came in. On his way upstairs, he came across a huffing Mark.

"Hey. I thought you were leaving this morning?" It was more of a statement than a question, but he was curious as to why Mark was still here. He didn't need to ask though, because Mark jumped past answering that question and started talking.

"There's something I need to talk to you about before we leave. It's important."

Derek glanced around, for no reason in particular, trying to decide if he had time for this and if it was worth it. Mark took a step towards him, though he didn't say anything, and gave Derek a desperate sort of look. Sighing in defeat, Derek agreed.

Mark began walking without saying anything else and headed for a secluded corner by the windows down the hall. He didn't want Derek to start yelling, and though he knew there was still a chance of that, he knew it was smaller if they were out in the open. Coming to a stop, Derek looked at him expectantly and somewhat impatiently, but stayed quiet.

"I know that you aren't going to like what I'm about to say to you, but I'm going to say it anyway because you need to hear it, and no one else is going to do it; you and Grey, you've got something, and I don't think that you should throw that away because of one thing." He could tell by the look on Derek's face that he didn't like where this was going, but he kept talking to prevent him from cutting in.

"I've had some time to watch you guys over the last little while, and even though I don't know her, I know that you would do anything for her, and vice versa. I don't know that much about your friendship, relationship, whatever it is that you've got going on, but I know enough. I know enough to see what you guys can't. I see the way you look at her, and I don't think I've ever seen you look at anyone like that, not even Addie. So if there's anything I can say to you before I leave knowing what state the two of you are in right now, it's that you can't let this stop you from pursuing your feelings or let it create an unmovable wedge between you. If you haven't already, you need to tell her that you love her, because you'll never know if she feels the same way if you don't tell her."

Derek glared at Mark and looked at him like he wanted to say something, snap at him or give him a smart-ass remark, but he didn't. Taking this as a good sign, Mark continued.

"My advice, for what it's worth, is to do it, no matter how much it scares the hell out of you. Because if you don't, if you never say those words, you'll never know anything, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life. It can't make things any worse, so say it and say it loud. Maybe she feels the same way and maybe she doesn't, but nothing can be worse than never knowing."

Derek stood across from Mark, utterly speechless. He'd already tried to tell Meredith the truth, and it got him nowhere. Though now that he really thought about it, there was a possibility that she wasn't standing behind that door when he said it. This didn't reassure him though, because it meant that he had to tell her again. He knew that Mark was right, so he knew that he had to say something. Mark knew he was right too, or he wouldn't be saying these things. Glancing down at his feet, Derek nodded ever so slightly, but it was enough for Mark to notice. Derek still couldn't say anything though, and Mark seemed to sense that.

"I know that it's terrifying, man, but I also know that you know that you have to do it. Don't bother denying it because it won't be me that you're resisting; it'll be yourself."

Derek nodded again, his hands shaking with nerves even though there was nothing to be nervous about in this moment. Mark noticed but didn't say anything about it. Instead, he nodded for no other reason than recognition, turned on his heel and swiftly walked down the hall. He had gotten no more than ten feet away when Derek turned to watch him leave and found his voice.

"Mark," he started in a hesitant voice, unsure of what exactly to say. When Mark turned around though, he found the words. And though there were few, it was all he could manage to say, but it was still enough.

"Thank you."

Mark nodded again and turned around without saying anything. Derek knew that those were the last words they would speak to each other before Mark left, that they were the last words they might ever say face to face again. That was okay with him though, because it meant that they were leaving things on good terms. What he said was the truth, and Derek knew that. And the feeling that came with his words was one that he knew wouldn't last. So, determined to keep that feeling strong and present, Derek set off to find Meredith.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

 **A/N: Hey guys! So I'm actually getting to the end of this story and there will likely only be a couple more chapters. This one is kind of short, so hopefully it will hold you over until the next update, which I will try to do as soon as I can.**

Meredith was going over the last handful charts she had left after her lunch break, sitting in the half-comfortable, half-disconcerting silence of their basement hideout. It was cold down there today, colder than usual, and she didn't have a long sleeve shirt on underneath her scrubs, so she shivered every few minutes. After about fifteen minutes she either stopped noticing or stopped caring. Perhaps she had become numb to the cold, or maybe she had just gotten used to it. The way that no one likes snow and the extreme cold that comes with it and the season, but after a while everyone stops complaining, because they no longer care and know that nothing will change it.

She was having a hard time focusing, too. There was simply not enough for her to distract herself with, only having a pile of boring charts to occupy herself with. Dr. Bailey didn't give her anything else to do but she expected all the charts to be complete by the end of the day, and there were a lot of them, so she worked as quickly but carefully as she could.

Even though there was no one and nothing around her, she tuned out the rest of the world. It helped her regain the little focus she had and kept her from thinking about what was going on with Derek. With a stack of binders next to her, Meredith shifted her position and brought her feet up to fold them and sit cross-legged, careful to keep her pile standing. As she did so, a strand of hair fell in her face, and she tried to blow it away. It only fell back down, and after two more failed attempts, she gave up and dropped her pen to tuck it behind her ear. But it was no use, because the sound of someone clearing their throat scared her so much she leapt back, pen flying out of her hand and hair falling into her face once again.

She hadn't been expecting anyone to come down here, so it was more than a slight shock that someone had appeared. When she looked up, she saw Derek standing a few feet away from the bed she was sitting on. Settling back into her previous position, her pile of charts slid apart and three of them hit the floor.

Taking a step towards her while she rearranged the charts still on the bed, Derek bent down to pick up the ones that fell. When he rose again, Meredith was leaning forward slightly, so their faces were a little too close for comfort. Despite the uncomfortable feeling, the feeling that came with Mark's words was at the forefront of Derek's mind. She didn't sit up straight, and he didn't stand, so they stayed like that, looking into each others' eyes for a few seconds too long for Meredith.

Pulling away rather hastily, Meredith grabbed her pen that landed on the other end of the bed and dropped it in her lap. Neither of them knowing what to say, Derek held out the charts she dropped, not knowing where she wanted them to go. She eyed him carefully, then reached out to take them, their fingers brushing as she did so. Despite the way she felt after finding out what happened, Meredith couldn't help the chill that ran up her arm at the contact. But the chill wasn't cold, not like the cool air that had surrounded her down here in the basement. No, it was the kind of chill that felt like heated lightning flaring through your body; hot and electrifying. She pushed the thought and the feeling away.

Derek opened his mouth to speak, even though he wasn't sure of what he was going to say. But before he got the chance, Meredith got over the chills and slid back as far as she could on the bed. "I don't want to talk to you, Derek. Please just leave me alone."

She didn't wait for him to say anything or leave before she picked up her pen and brought her attention back to the chart she was going over when he arrived. She refused to acknowledge the fact that he didn't leave and just ignored him, hoping he would get the hint and go away. He didn't.

"I know. So just let me talk, and you can listen."

He waited a few seconds to see if she would snap at him or interject or something, but she ignored him, her eyes glued to the chart in her lap and her pen scanning the words in it. He knew this wasn't exactly a good sign, but it wasn't a terrible one either. So, he got the ball rolling and kept thinking of what Mark said to ensure he wouldn't lose his nerve.

"I said something to you, the other night. But I don't think you heard what I said, because if you did I think you would be acting just a little bit differently. More skittish, maybe. And I said what I said because I thought you were on the other side of the door, that you would hear those words, but I don't think you did." His voice was strong and steady, yet quiet and fragile. Meredith did not understand why he sounded the way he did, but she wasn't interested in why.

"Do you have a point, Derek, or are you just trying to make some random excuses?" she asked, the irritation obvious in her voice. She hadn't even looked up as she spoke, closing the chart and clicking her pen to retract the tip. Her words struck down the feeling Mark had given him, but it didn't take it away.

"Yes, I have a point," He paused to see if she would say anything else, but she just busied herself with rearranging the charts she had to create one big pile. He wasn't sure if she was doing that because she planned on leaving or if she just wanted the distraction, so he tried to 'get to the point' faster.

"That night I said something I'd only just discovered myself to be the truth. I guess it just made sense, which is why I told you. It was hard to say it then, and it's even harder to say now – "

"I know you said you have a point, but you're taking too long and if I'm honest I don't particularly care what your point is." She cut him off, quickly growing tired of his reluctance to say whatever it was he wanted to say. If he was really so desperate to fix things he would just come right and say things, right?

Sweeping the pile of charts into her arms, Meredith slid forward and hopped off the bed, a little closer to Derek as she did so than she would have liked. Ignoring the feeling that was eating through her chest, she stepped to the side to walk off the down hallway to her left, trying to avoid getting any closer to him than she already was. Not just because of the fluttery feeling she was getting at being around him, but because she didn't know if she could trust herself around his excuses. The more he tried to justify what he did, the angrier she got. She was tired of excuses.

She didn't get very far when Derek dashed around her to block her path. She sighed in frustration. "Derek, get out of the way." she said without even looking at him, shifting the pile of charts so it would be more comfortable against her bare arms. She expected him to refuse when he spoke again, but instead he just kept talking as though she hadn't said or done anything.

"What I'm saying is that you are my absolute best friend. You are one of the best things in my life for more than one reason, and I can't give you all those precise reasons because the list is just far too long." He paused for a moment and Meredith – surprisingly – remained silent. "What I'm saying is that I feel better whenever you are around. I could be having the world's crappiest day, and just the sight of you is enough to make it the best again. What I'm saying is that you know me better than I know myself. I cannot live without you because I can't breathe at the thought of you not being around, not being a part of my life. I care about you more than words can say, even if you don't know it."

Angrily setting her stack down on the bed next to them, Meredith put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at him, only half intentionally. When she spoke, it was all venom that she didn't mean to use, not that she regretted saying it that way. "Are you serious? If you think that you can just say whatever sweet thing comes into your tiny little brain with a charming look on your face and get what you want, then you've got another thing coming. Because it doesn't matter what you say or how you say it, you can't take back what you did. I trusted you more than anyone else in the world. I've told you about things that only my sixth-grade diary ever heard about, and you betrayed my trust by going behind my back and doing something that not only pulled me away from a good learning experience, but has made me wonder how I can ever believe a single thing you say to me ever again. So don't even bother trying to sweet talk me or tell me 'what you're saying' or whatever it is that you're doing. Because I don't want to hear it."

When she stopped talking she was breathing hard, her hair still in her face. She didn't seem to notice it was there anymore. Her eyes were shining, but not with tears. It looked more like energy, adrenaline. Losing that feeling that he got from his conversation with Mark, Derek did his best to think of what he said. _Do it, no matter how much it scares the hell out of you._ _Nothing can be worse than never knowing._

Taking a step towards her, he made the space between them impossibly small. He knew that she wouldn't like that, but he needed to be close to her, needed to feed off the adrenaline that was sparking in her eyes. He was losing what he had on his way to find her and couldn't get it back, not the way he had originally gotten it. He had to improvise, find a new source for that feeling. And he managed to find it in Meredith. So Derek pulled up all the courage he could muster and did what Mark told him to do.

"What I'm saying is that I love you. Meredith I am so incredibly in love you with you. They say that loving someone and being _in_ love someone are two different things, and I didn't know that was true until I met you. Because everything about you is just perfect to me. _You_ are perfect to me. And whether you believe it or not, I believe that you are perfect _for_ me. Look, I don't know much about love, but I sure as hell know that that is what I feel. I know that I am in love with you, and there is nothing that can change that. I also know that I don't _want_ anything to change that."

Taking a second to catch his breath, he noted that the look on Meredith's face said she was speechless. If he was honest, she looked shocked, stunned, maybe even a little bit scared by what he said. But her silence was good for him, because it gave Derek the chance to gather everything of Mark's words and bring them to the surface.

Closing the small gap between them, Derek took one last step towards her, placed his hands on her shoulders, and brought his lips down to hers. There were no words left to tell her how he felt, so it was time to show her how he felt. Because as much as she could refuse to accept what he was saying, not even she could deny the amount of emotion he poured into that kiss. He gave it everything he had, knowing this would either start them on the path to reparation, fix everything completely, or shatter all that was left and make her run even farther away from him.

Gently pulling his lips away from hers, he stopped with his face just inches from hers, one of his hands coming up to tuck that stray hair behind her ear while the other remained in its spot on her shoulder. For a few seconds she did nothing but stare up at him, as though he had sent her into shock with his actions. And in those seconds of silence, he wondered if he really had just lost everything he'd ever wanted.

 **A/N: I'll update soon guys, I promise!**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Unable to move or speak as Derek closed the space in between them, Meredith did nothing but allow her eyelids to flutter shut when his lips were suddenly against hers. Even though she knew she had feelings for him, she didn't know that she wanted to taste his kiss until it was happening. Despite the woodsy smell that she had always associated with Derek, he tasted sort of salty, and for some reason she detected the faintest trace of ginger. While her heart told her restlessly to kiss him back, her brain refused to complete the action, and when he pulled away from her, it was far too soon. Opening her eyes, she looked up at him with her heart beating out of her chest. It was clear in the look on his face that he was trying to determine if he had managed to convey his feelings, trying to read her emotions and reaction. But she couldn't say anything, could only stand there silently, looking up at him, the taste of him still present on her lips.

They stared at each other in silence for about thirty seconds, one of his hands on her shoulder, the other coming up to brush her hair away from her face and coming to rest on her cheek, cradling it as though their lips were still connected. When Meredith finally broke the eye contact, she released a breath she didn't know she was holding and Derek's hand fell from her face. She didn't know what to do or say. She never imagined he had feelings for her too, but to hear him say it, say that he loved her… it freaked her out. Scared her, even.

Taking a step back from him, Meredith picked up her pile of charts and avoided making eye contact with him. "I um, I-I have to, I…" She stuttered, unable to form any words correctly without her brain malfunctioning. She looked at her feet as she stepped around him and took off down the hall, her heart and her mind at war with one another.

~0~

Derek stood there, frozen, surrounded by the silence the was deafening to him as Meredith practically ran away. He refused to turn around and watch her leave because he knew it would be too hard. He knew that watching her retreating back would break him, so he kept his gaze on the stone wall at the opposite end of the hall. He stood there for what felt like hours, but was only five minutes, before he reluctantly dragged his feet back upstairs.

He knew that he did the right thing by telling Meredith, he just wasn't sure if it was the right thing for her. It was the right thing for him because it meant that he had it off his chest, that he didn't have to hide how he feels anymore, at least not from her. And admitting it not only to himself, but to her, means he can do whatever he needs to do to get over her and move on, because it was clear now that she didn't feel the same way. But that's why he was questioning if it was the right thing for her, if this would have even the slightest benefit to her. Convincing himself he was right about it only being bad for her, he did his best to avoid her for the rest of the day.

His mind was a mess anyway. As much as he wanted to forget his feelings, wanted to forget the look on her face afterwards, wanted to forget everything, he could still feel the shockwaves that traveled through his body when his lips finally touched hers. He'd wanted it for so long, he just didn't know it. But because of Mark, he got and lost everything he wanted in a matter of minutes. He didn't blame Mark for this though, it was his own fault for falling for his best friend when he knew he would never be with her. The only thing Mark did was give Derek the push he needed to tell Meredith, and that in itself was a good thing. It was just hard to see her walk away after he plucked up the courage to finally say how he feels.

Pushing all thoughts and feelings about Meredith as far down into himself as he could, he did his best to go throughout the day like nothing was wrong, despite the battle between reason and his emotions occurring inside him.

~0~

When Meredith's shift was finally over, she was exhausted. She hadn't done much of anything other than the charts Dr. Bailey gave her that morning, but she was still tired. It was mostly what happened with Derek that made her feel so… different, maybe? She was tired and didn't feel like herself, that was all she knew. Like someone else's mind had been swapped for her own.

Walking through the front door, Meredith was welcomed home by silence. George and Izzie left before her, so they must have gone to Joe's or something. She wasn't sure if she wanted the quiet or if it only made her feel worse.

Sitting down on the couch, she decided that she didn't want to be alone, and called Cristina.

" _Hey Mer, what's up?"_

Sighing, Meredith reached for one of the throw pillows and dragged it over to rest on her lap. "I don't want to be alone." was all she said. She hadn't told anyone anything about what had happened with Derek over the last little while, and she wasn't sure she wanted to. But that didn't change the fact that she wanted someone with her to take away the silence that currently plagued her house.

" _Yeah, you're gonna have to be a little more specific than that for me to know what you're talking about, because right now I have no idea."_

Meredith smiled slightly at what she said, not that Cristina could see that. "Yeah um, something happened, and I need you."

There was silence on Cristina's end of the phone and Meredith wondered if she would come. It had been a while since she needed Cristina as her person because she'd always had Derek, but now she didn't, and she needed somebody. When Cristina finally answered, she didn't say what Meredith had expected _. "Did you sleep with someone you shouldn't have? Oh my god did you sleep with Alex?!"_

Meredith was quick to right Cristina's mind, because she was way off. "What!? No! I didn't sleep with Alex, I didn't sleep with anyone."

" _Then what's this about? If it isn't that then can't you just talk to Derek? I mean, I thought you two were besties and that I was your back up, not the other way around."_

Meredith rolled her eyes and the grunt that came from Cristina told her she knew that she did without having to see her, like she could hear it. She twisted a loose thread from the corner of the pillow around her finger, fascinated by how the peachy colour somehow blended in with her skin. She didn't take her eyes away from the small thread as she spoke, though she did stop fiddling with it. "First of all, you aren't my back up, you're my person, I just haven't needed you to be lately. Second, I can't talk to Derek, not right now. And third, can you please just come over? I'll explain when you get here."

Cristina sighed, and Meredith heard shuffling in the background. She clearly wasn't too impressed about having to come over, but the fact that she was still doing it made Meredith feel a little better.

" _Fine. I'll be there soon. Do I need to bring alcohol or…?"_

Meredith laughed and shook her head, though she knew Cristina couldn't see the action. "No, no I'll be fine without it."

" _Okay. See you in a few."_

~0~

Ten minutes later Cristina walked into the house without knocking. The door was unlocked and Meredith didn't care if she just walked into the house, so she wasn't surprised or worried when she heard the door open.

Almost immediately, Cristina was throwing herself down on the couch next to Meredith, grabbing the other throw pillow and dragging it over to sit on her thighs. They sat in silence for a few minutes even though that was why Meredith called her in the first place. When the silence was broken, it was by Cristina.

"So, are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or…?"

Meredith sighed and told Cristina everything. Well, not _everything,_ but everything that's happened since she got kicked off the case. From why she got kicked off the case to what happened with Derek today. She tried her best not to let her voice crack or waver when she told Cristina about how he told her he loved her, kissed her, and then she just walked away without saying anything. She avoided looking at Cristina because she didn't want to see the look on her face. She could be very judgmental, and Meredith didn't want to see if her expression contradicted her reaction to what she said. So she kept her gaze tight on the pillow in her lap, only looking up when Cristina took her hand.

"What did you feel?" she asked flatly. Meredith didn't quite understand the question, and the look on her face must have told Cristina that. "What did you feel when he kissed you?"

Meredith considered the question, not saying anything. At first, she didn't know what she felt; she was too surprised to think about it. But looking back at it now, she thought about the warmth that had spread through her body the second his lips found hers. She could feel the chill that ran down her spine and the goosebumps that erupted across her skin. She remembered the way her heart had found its way into her throat and how her nerve endings burst like fireworks where he was touching her. She thought of how her stomach hit the floor, but in a good way. She thought of how much she wanted to experience it all again.

Snapped out of her reverie by the sound of her phone ringing, Meredith made no move to answer the call. Cristina looked from her to her phone and reached to pick it up. Meredith looked away, not wanting to see who it was that was calling her. Cristina either didn't understand that she didn't want to know, or she didn't care. "It says that 'Mama S' is calling. Are you ignoring whoever that is?"

Meredith turned her head at the name, knowing she should answer the phone, because she would only call back if she didn't. She reached over to Cristina and took the phone out of her hand. "It's Derek's mom."

Cristina nodded her head, then stood up and walked into the kitchen to give Meredith some privacy even though she was probably going to listen from the other room. Glancing back down at her phone, her gaze lingered on the contact name for a few moments before answering the call.

"Hey Carolyn. How's it going?" Meredith tried not to sound nervous but knew that she probably wasn't succeeding in doing so, even though she'd barely spoken. She was freaking out a little. Carolyn never called her. Either something was wrong, or something was _really_ wrong.

The older woman answered her almost immediately, her tone soft and gentle, the way a mother's voice should be. _"Hi, sweetheart. I'm doing good. I was just calling to see if everything was okay."_

Meredith was slightly confused by this. It was a random question, and nothing had happened recently that would give her a reason for checking in like this. It didn't take long for Meredith to realize that Derek must have told her something about what happened between them. Still, she didn't want to say anything.

"Yeah, it's okay I guess. Just busy, but that's nothing new. Why? Is everything okay with you?"

There was a pause coming from Carolyn's end of the line. This worried Meredith a little, as Derek's mother wasn't usually a quiet woman. _"Oh I'm fine dear. It's Derek I'm worried about. Have you talked to him lately? I think there's something wrong."_

Meredith could tell that Carolyn already knew something. It was clear in the way she spoke to her. She wasn't too sure why she felt the need to call her, but she must have had a reason, crazy or not. Meredith only hoped that Derek hadn't said anything negative about her to his mother, because she loved her just as much as he did, despite having never met her in person.

"Uh, yeah I guess. I mean we haven't really _talked_ in a while, but I did speak to him earlier." Her voice shook slightly as she spoke and cracked ever so slightly at the end of her sentence. She hoped that Carolyn wouldn't notice, but being a mother of five, she noticed everything.

" _Meredith, honey, can you tell me what's going on over there? I'm worried about the two of you. Derek called, and it sounded like something was wrong. Did something happen? Did he do something bad?"_

Meredith chuckled, and even though it was real, it still sounded forced. She could feel tears stinging her eyes and refused to let them do anything more than that. When she spoke, her voice was quieter than she had intended it to be, and it still wavered a little. "No. I mean, yes he did but, no. Nothing that he did or said today was bad."

She could feel herself beginning to shake and thought back to what happened. It occurred to her that she would probably never forget what it felt like when he kissed her. She was still mad at him, but the vivid memory of what he did and said dulled those angry feelings. Only now she was confused too.

" _Sweetie, is there something you wanna tell your Mama S? Because you know that you can tell me anything."_

It was clear that Carolyn was trying to get Meredith to say something, anything about what happened and how she felt about it. But despite the fact that that's why Cristina came over, she felt that she couldn't say any of it. She let out a breath and spoke without taking in another one. "I, I don't know. I just, Derek, he… I don't know. I think that he – that I, th-that we – "

Carolyn cut her off, sensing that Meredith was unable to say what she was trying to say. _"Did he tell you that he loves you?"_

It was such a simple question, but Meredith knew that the answer wasn't. She couldn't say anything, and her silence must have told Carolyn that she was right.

" _Honey that's okay. It's okay for him to love you. Because I love you too. We all love you. And it's okay for you not to love him back, there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you a bad person – it makes you human. Now I know that he did something stupid, and I know that he regrets it, but you can't let one stupid thing get in the way."_ Meredith had closed her eyes at some point. She didn't remember doing it, but she remembered why she did it; she closed her eyes to prevent the tears that were there from falling.

" _I know that it's hard, I do, but you can't let this ruin your life. Derek loves you, Meredith. I've never seen him love anyone the way he loves you and I'm his mother. I can tell when he likes someone before he does, and I sure as hell knew that he was going to fall in love with you a long time ago. But you already know that, don't you?"_

Meredith stayed silent, her eyes burning behind her eyelids, the built-up tears trying to escape. She let out a shaky breath, but still didn't say anything; she _couldn't_ say anything.

" _Honey I'm gonna tell you something that I think you need to hear, even if you don't know it or don't want to; I haven't known you for a long time. I've never even actually met you in person. But from the first time that Derek mentioned your name I knew that you were going to be the person he gave his heart up for."_ She paused, and Meredith finally opened her eyes, the tears spilling out when she did. They were hot on her face despite the warmth that had flooded to her cheeks. Carolyn kept talking, knowing that Meredith wasn't going to say anything. _"I don't know what exactly is going on over there with you two, but I do know that Derek would do anything if it meant good things for you. I know it may be hard, but you've gotta have some faith in him."_

Meredith sat up straighter with her words, fresh tears pricking her eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. _"Meredith, I need to ask you something, and I need you to answer me honestly okay?"_

Meredith forced out an awkward agreement and waited for Carolyn to say what she needed to say. When she spoke, her voice sounded faint and cautious, a combination Meredith didn't like. _"Meredith, honey, do you love Derek? Do you love him the way that he loves you?"_

She was silent for a moment, trying to force the words out. She wasn't sure what had made her feel like this all of a sudden, but with her attempt to answer came more tears. Finally she managed to answer, nodding her head even though Carolyn couldn't see her. Remembering that, Meredith verbalized her answer. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

She could practically hear the excited smile that had graced Carolyn's face, but tried not to envision it, knowing it would probably make her feel worse.

" _Then you need to tell him that. You can't let him think that you don't love him when you do, because it isn't fair to either of you that way."_ Once again, Meredith didn't say anything. She didn't know what she was supposed to say right now, if she was supposed to say anything at all. _"Just talk to him, dear. It won't be as scary as you think. Tell him how you feel. That's all you need to do."_ She paused for a brief second, not waiting for Meredith to say anything else. _"Talk to you later, sweetheart."_

Carolyn hung up the phone and Meredith tossed it onto the coffee table. Cristina came wandering out of the kitchen, and Meredith could tell from the look on her face that she had been listening. Not that it did her much good because Meredith hadn't really said anything.

Coming to sit back down beside her, Cristina didn't say anything right away. She let Meredith sit with her in silence for a few minutes before she spoke. "So, you're in love with Shepherd?" She hadn't needed to hear Carolyn's end of the conversation to know that it was true. It was more of a statement than a question, but Meredith nodded. Cristina nodded back, but Meredith wasn't sure what it meant.

"What are you going to do about it?" she asked, sounding genuinely concerned to Meredith's surprise. She shrugged and turned her head to look at Cristina. "I don't know. I'm not sure if love is enough to fix this, no matter how much I wish it was."

Cristina didn't say anything, so neither did Meredith. They sat together in silence for almost half an hour. Meredith's head was spinning, and she couldn't figure out what to do. All that she knew right now was that something had to happen next with Derek. She couldn't let what happened today be the last thing, but she didn't know what to do. She only hoped that she would figure it out soon, because the longer she waited, the less likely it was for her to come out of this with her friendship/relationship with Derek in tact. And she knew that with every passing second, the more likely he was to write himself off and forget about the feelings he had for her and do what he could to start moving on, whether she said anything to him or not.

 **A/N: Okay guys, I have officially finished writing this story, and all that is left is a matter of updates. There are two chapters left, and I want you to know that this has been fun. If you've stuck around to this point, I want to say thank you. I will do my best to post the next chapter soon, so come back for the ending, because you won't want to miss it.**


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

 **A/N: Hey everyone! There's only one chapter left, so sit down and get ready to read this one and take it all in. This was totally my favourite chapter to write out of the whole story, so hopefully it will be your favourite to read. I'll post the final chapter when I can, but I think this should hold you over until then. Enjoy!**

Meredith tried to avoid Cristina's questions after she talked to Derek's mom, but it didn't work. At the end of the night, Cristina had received confirmation that Meredith did in fact love Derek, and she'd heard all about how he kissed her and what he said beforehand. Meredith made her swear not to say anything to anyone, and though she agreed, Meredith still wasn't sure how she felt about her knowing.

The next day at lunch she sat with everyone else, Derek nowhere to be found. She tried not to think about the fact that no one had seen him and focus on the conversation that was being had at the table, but she found herself lost in her mind. She kept thinking about what she would say to Derek, because she knew that she had to tell him something. She thought about her talk with Carolyn, what she told Cristina, and her mind always slipped back to the moment that his lips found hers. With how much she was thinking about it, she was able to admit to herself that the feelings she had for him when they first became friends had never gone away, that she'd just forced them down and repressed them as much as she could.

She also thought about how angry she was still was with him. Even though she'd wanted to hear him say those words for so long without knowing it herself, and feeling the same way, she couldn't shake away what had happened with Grace's case. She knew Derek must have had a reason, but that didn't change anything. She was still mad that he didn't just talk to her, that he didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth. And no matter what had happened, what he'd said or what she felt, he betrayed her in a way that still ached to think about.

Meredith snapped back to reality and out of her thoughts when she heard a loud gasp, someone say 'oh my gosh' rather excitedly and felt the table shake under her elbows. She refocused her attention, and looked around the table at her friends, noticing a similar expression on all their faces except for Cristina. She looked guilty, but there was still a smirk on her face. She gave everyone a puzzled expression and then Izzie started talking through the wide smile on her face.

"Oh this is incredible! I knew it! I knew it I was right!" she exclaimed, and Meredith winced slightly at her suddenly loud voice.

"Oh come on Izzie we all knew it." Alex said, sounding both annoyed and somewhat surprised, all the while maintaining that certain air of false disregard that made him Alex.

George didn't say anything, but he did have a bright smile on his face. Meredith's gaze found its way back to Cristina and she dropped the confused expression, replacing it with a sheepish and frustrated one.

"You told them." she said flatly, knowing what her friend had done even though she asked her not to say anything. Cristina shrugged, and a look of justification came into her eyes. "I didn't mean to, but I couldn't keep it to myself. Especially when we all figured out the truth a _long_ time ago. I couldn't just keep quiet, they deserved to know."

Meredith felt a twinge of rage inside her and acted upon it rather than anything else she felt. "You're telling me they deserved to know before he does?! I still haven't even figured out what to say to him. Now what am I supposed to do?"

Izzie's smile softened, as did the look on her face. Her voice lowered with this and Meredith was grateful for it. "You're supposed to tell him. It's as simple as that. There's no need to overcomplicate it. And we won't say anything. Besides, we've all known for a while, known longer than you actually, so of course we've known it longer than him."

Alex nodded, and Meredith sighed. With more people knowing, she had to tell Derek. But the problem was, had she forgiven him? Would she even be able to?

Those questions were shoved aside when, rather boldly, Derek appeared at the table. He hadn't hung around any of them for a little bit, so it was strange for him to pop back up again like nothing had happened. He didn't sit down, but he did make a friendly greeting. Everyone grew silent with his presence, and he looked oddly around the table, his gaze lingering on Meredith a few seconds longer than anyone else. Everyone noticed this, and they hid a smirk, bit their lip to keep a giggle from escaping. Meredith averted her gaze from his but was confronted by it anyway when Derek spoke to her and she felt forced to look up at him. She saw something in his eyes that made her heart clench and kept her from speaking.

"Meredith, can we uh, talk for a minute? It's about, you know – "

Meredith shook her head, all the fear and resentment and anger rising into her chest. "No, Derek. I'm sorry, but I can't." She hesitated for a moment, looking around at her friends and saw that they were all looking down at the table or into their laps, clearly listening but not watching what was happening, as though that was far too intiment an action. Derek was silent for a few seconds and Meredith used that time to stand up and start to walk away. His voice cut through the silence that had followed her those few feet from the table and she froze.

"Meredith, we need to talk about what happened. I know you don't want to, but we can't just pretend it didn't happen. You can't just forget what I said and go on as if I never said it." His tone was small and fragile, and Meredith felt like if she said the wrong thing it would send him over the edge and he would shatter like a piece of china dropped from twenty feet high. She turned slowly to face him again, and she could feel all the eyes on her. On them.

Despite the feelings she possessed for him, the yearning for his touch, Meredith couldn't handle it. She knew that it would come down to her forked emotions, and in that moment, she chose a path. Whether it was the right path, she didn't know. "Yes, we can, Derek. You need to stop thinking about it and forget it ever happened." She turned back around, with full intentions of walking away and not looking back at him. Unfortunately, he wouldn't let it go and decided this was the perfect place to have this discussion or argument or whatever was about to happen.

"No. You may be able to, but it will never be erased from my memory." He stepped around the table and walked towards her, stopping three or four feet in front of her. "You can't tell me that it was nothing. That what I said holds zero importance or meaning to you. I know that you can't."

His eyes were an intense blue that shook her to her core, full to the brim with the words he wasn't saying. Meredith ran a hand through her hair and tried to shut out everyone around them. She sighed and looked quickly at her feet before bringing her gaze back to him. "It doesn't matter, Derek. None of it does. You think that that's how you'll always feel but it isn't. It doesn't work like that."

Derek shook his head and took another step or two towards her, but she didn't register the movement until he'd stopped again. She wanted to take a step back, intimidated by his proximity, afraid of what he would do or say next. She didn't though. She stayed right where she was, giving all that power over to him.

"Yes it does, Meredith. It does work like that. You're just too afraid to admit it." She didn't say anything. She just stared back at him into his deep blue eyes, the colour reminding her of an ocean wave that was gentle enough to lull you to sleep by the sound of it. "But you don't have to be afraid, Mer. You have no reason to be scared of this."

Meredith's eyes quickly jumped behind Derek to Cristina, who gave her an encouraging smile, eyes sparkling with the urge to be confident. Taking in the look in Cristina's eyes, Meredith brought her gaze back to Derek and she looked into his ocean blue eyes. "How?"

He looked puzzled by what she said. "How what?"

Meredith shut out everyone and everything around them. It was just her and Derek standing in the cafeteria talking. Just her and her best friend. No one and nothing else. "How do you know? How _long_ have you known?"

He stood there silently for a few seconds and Meredith began to grow impatient. She needed to hear him answer her, say anything that constituted as an answer to her question. He said nothing.

His silence made Meredith sigh and turn around. She should have known better than to expect a reply. She had taken three steps away from him when she heard him speak, his words paralyzing her.

"I've always known, Meredith." He paused and Meredith felt her heart stop. "Since the day I met you, I have known. Not once have I ever thought otherwise... I have always known."

His words were soft and low, barely audible unless you were paying attention. Standing there, Meredith begged her feet to turn her around, but they did nothing. She couldn't move. His words made her more breathless than his kiss. She didn't know what she'd expected, but that wasn't it. It sounded too corny, too cheesy and romantic to have been real; but it was.

She could hear and feel Derek walk closer to her, stopping so he was right behind her. She could hear him breathing and thought for a second that maybe he was going to take hold of her and spin her around to face him, or lean in and whisper something in her ear, but neither of those things happened. He just stood there, waiting for her to turn around. But she couldn't. Without saying anything, she took a hesitant step forward before following it with a light jog out of the cafeteria, everyone's eyes on either her or Derek.

~0~

It rained for the rest of the day. That wasn't anything unusual in Seattle, but Meredith and Derek both felt it was drawn out for them. Meredith felt weak, and cowardly. She regretted walking away from Derek at lunch, but she didn't know what to do or say, so she took off. She felt just like her mother in that moment; running away when she didn't know what else to do. She tried her best not to think about it for the rest of the day, but the thoughts were still there. Derek felt connected to the pouring rain because it matched the feeling he had in his heart, in his soul. He felt guilty, destroyed, lost. He didn't know what to do now, and the image of Meredith taking off earlier only worsened these feelings. He did what he could to keep it off his mind, but it always found a way to creep back into his thoughts.

They didn't see each other for the remainder of the day, and whenever they saw any of the other interns, they ignored what they had to say. Their minds were racing no matter what they did, and their heads were full of thoughts and feelings of the other. There was a lot of pent up feelings inside them with nowhere to go, so they were both ready to burst.

On her way out to her car, Meredith didn't even bother with an umbrella. She didn't care if she got soaked, because nothing could make her feel worse than she already did. At least that's what she thought until she spotted Derek waiting to be able to cross from the sidewalk in front of the doors to get to his car. He didn't have his umbrella up either, so his jacket was drenched and his hair was stuck to his forehead.

Meredith hung back, not wanting to be seen by him. When traffic cleared up enough for him to cross, she followed behind him at a distance from which he would never know she was there. To her dismay, his car was parked three spots down from hers, so he was likely to stop and notice her. He lingered at his trunk, tossing his bag into it alongside something Meredith couldn't identify, a plastic bag filled with something.

She slowed down slightly, though she wasn't sure why. He didn't notice her, so she kept going. She quickly unlocked her car and set her bag down on the passenger's seat. Turning around and moving to walk around to the other side of her car, she glanced over at Derek once again. She lingered a few steps away from him, the rain coming down harder. Without even thinking about it, Meredith took a few steps forward and began speaking to him.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Derek jumped slightly at her voice, but when he turned and looked at her his face held a calm expression. He didn't say anything for a few seconds and Meredith thought that maybe he wasn't going to answer her at all.

Derek sighed and closed his trunk, but didn't move otherwise. "I didn't know how. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I should."

Meredith placed her hands in the pockets of her jacket and pulled at the fabric that lined them, needing to do something with her hands but not wanting him to know she was nervous. "But you did." she said, gently swinging her hands out, bringing her jacket with them as they pulled away and then fell back to her side. Derek nodded at her words and bit his lip. "I did."

The rain was loud on the cars around them, but it wasn't louder than Meredith's heart pounding in her ears. The rain had completely drenched both of them and Derek's hair had fallen across his forehead to a greater extent, matted down with the water. For some reason she longed to reach out and push it away, but she smothered the thought.

"You should have said something sooner." It came out on its own accord, but Meredith didn't fully regret the words. It was true. Had she known earlier maybe something could have worked. But now…

Surprisingly, Derek scoffed at her words. There was a smile on his face, but it was a humourless, almost sarcastic one. "Yeah, like that would have been a good idea."

Meredith pulled her hands out of her pockets and took a small step forward. Why was he laughing at this? If he really did love her all this time, he would have said something. Maybe he just said that he'd 'always known' to try and get her to do more than run away from him. She could admit that she needed to handle her problems in a different way, but with what he was saying now, how could she believe that he'd truly loved her all this time?

"All I'm saying is that it would have been better to know."

Between the lack of light outside and the hair stuck to his forehead, Meredith couldn't tell if he'd rolled his eyes or if she'd imagined it. He probably did, though. "Yeah right. Look, I don't expect you to understand. You never knew and you didn't need to. That's that." He started to leave and walk towards the driver's side door of his car, but Meredith wasn't finished. In fact, he was actually starting to piss her off, all her feelings for him being buried in this moment. She took another step forward and raised her voice. "If I never needed to know then why tell me? Huh?! If I didn't need to know then, why did I need to know now?"

Derek had opened his car door while she was speaking, but as soon as she went quiet again he slammed it shut and stormed back over to her. He stopped closer to her than he had been before, but there was still a car and half or so between them.

He quickly and wildly ran a hand back against his forehead to push all the hair away. Meredith followed his hand with her gaze, then landed back on his eyes just before he spoke. "You know I never should have told you. I knew that it would only end badly for me – "

"For you?!" Meredith cut him off, yelling now, having had enough. Derek only yelled back.

"Yes, for me! You think any of this has been easy? Telling you how I felt, _doing_ what I did and watching you take off like it was the most horrible thing you'd ever heard! That's exactly why I didn't want to tell you, because I was afraid you would run away like you always do."

Meredith took a step backwards but didn't follow through, just leaned her weight on the foot behind her. "Oh yeah, right, because all I ever do is turn my back on my problems and ignore the things I don't want to know or don't want to confront. I mean, I'm surprised I didn't up and move to another state after what you did. So much for learning from the best."

She knew it was sensitive territory to bring up what happened with him and Mark, but it came out anyway. He took a step towards her and he opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off before he had the chance. "And you honestly think that this just rolled over my head? That I never gave it a second thought? None of this has been easy for me either but you didn't care. I'm starting to think you never cared at all - "

"I have _always_ cared about you!" He sounded angry now too and he walked towards her, stopping with two or three feet between them. "I never said anything because I knew you didn't feel the same way, and I didn't want to hurt myself. So I shut up, did my best to tuck those feelings away and at some point, I fell in love with you! But you never felt the same way so there was no point in saying anything."

Meredith flung her hands up in a rather unnecessary gesture that came with a mix of her bubbling anger and something else she couldn't identify. Thunder roared overhead but neither of them paid any attention to it. "You knew nothing, Derek. You never had any idea how I felt, and you don't get to decide how I feel now, so stop making excuses for being too afraid to say anything. You have no idea how or what I feel."

"So tell me then." he demanded immediately after she shut her mouth. It wasn't in an overpowering or superior way, but it was forceful. Meredith didn't say anything, and something glinted in his eyes that she didn't recognize. "Well go on. Tell me how you feel. There's no need to make any excuses for being too afraid, so just tell me."

His voice had lowered to a normal speaking volume, but there was still an edge to it that spoke of anger and something else. Meredith didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she tried to come up with a response, but there were no words in her head. Derek laughed, but it was humourless, almost cold.

"I knew it," he muttered. "You're all talk, y'know that? You're all big and powerful and speak your mind until you're challenged and don't have something to fire back at who you're talking to." Still, Meredith said nothing. Derek mumbled something she couldn't understand and turned around, starting back towards his own car.

Meredith swallowed so loud that it sounded like the thunder in her own ears. She was silent for a second before she pried open her mouth and made one final retort as she kept her eyes on his retreating silhouette. "Fine. Walk away. Do and say nothing. Apparently it's what you're best at."

There was a moment where she wished she'd kept her mouth shut, said something different, even have said nothing at all. Derek froze for a second before turning around to face her again. Even from this distance in the dark, she could see that that unfamiliar glint in his eyes had turned into a blaze. He walked back over to her, and this time he stopped just inches away. Had it not been for the heavy rain, she would have been able to feel his breath on her cheek.

He searched her eyes for a moment and licked his lips – why, she didn't know. She waited to see if he would say something, but he didn't. Despite the tension, she couldn't help but feel slightly victorious at this; she had silenced Derek Shepherd. At the same time though, it angered her that he wouldn't say anything.

She raised her eyebrows, almost in a dare. "What now? You're just going to wait for me to leave so you can have the satisfaction of being the one who stayed? So that if you get the chance to use this against me in the future you can say that I'm just like my mother?"

Derek shook his head ever so slightly. When he spoke, it was the quietest either one of them had spoken in this conversation. "You're nothing like your mother in the sense of being a good person. You get your talent from her sure, but otherwise? You're nothing like her; you're better."

Meredith stood still, unable to move. He didn't even wait for her to say anything before turning around again.

She grunted at this action, though it wasn't much of a grunt coming out of her – it was more of an annoyed sigh. "Fine, forget it. Obviously you're just going to…" Derek didn't hear what else she said, and she didn't get to finish what she was saying either. He whirled around and sped towards her. Meredith could see the blaze in his eyes and feel the heat coming from them, but she still wasn't prepared for what happened next.

In a few quick, long strides Derek was in front of her once again. Only this time, he didn't say anything or stop when he was within a certain distance from her. Unbeknownst to Meredith, the blaze in his eyes was passion. And as he neared her, he took hold of that passion and let the anger slip away.

When he reached her, he brought his hands up to her face and sent his lips crashing down to hers. Unlike last time though, she didn't freeze up. If anything, he had awakened her senses.

She closed her eyes almost immediately and toppled back slightly. Half to keep herself standing and half because of the kiss, she brought one of her arms up and wrapped it around him, her hand landing on the back of his neck where his hair was stuck to his skin from the rain. Her other hand found its way to his chest and her fingers curled around the fabric of his wet t-shirt, his jacket having been left unzipped. His hands left her face, one of them finding the back of her head and being buried in her wet hair, the other moving to the small of her back and pulling her against him. After a few seconds, she released her grip on the hand that held his shirt and moved it up to his jaw, her fingers sliding up the side of his face. The stubble on his skin felt normal and familiar under her fingers, even though she had never felt it like this. Their lips moved in sync with each other like they'd done this a thousand times, and their bodies melded together in the cold rain, absorbing each other's heat. All the emotion, passion, anger, intensity, _everything_ was poured into that kiss from both ends of it. They became aware of only each other, and the feeling of their bodies together. The rain, the thunder, the milling of other people, the sirens from distant ambulances and cop cars and Seattle traffic was gone. In that moment, it was only them, only each other.

They broke apart, both in desperate need of air. He momentarily rested his forehead against hers, his eyes remaining closed, as they kept their hands where they were. Seconds later, they only moved their heads apart to glance at each other. Derek's hand on her back slid farther around to keep her from prying her body away from his, even though she had no intentions of doing so.

In an all too serious tone, Derek looked into her eyes and smiled softly. "If I'd known that would happen, I would have told you a _long_ time ago." Meredith chuckled and slid her hand away from his face to rest on his shoulder, having forgotten any and all anger she had felt towards him only minutes ago. She stared back at him and only broke the eye contact when she stretched up and kissed him again, closing her eyes. Derek smiled against her mouth and moved the hand that was previously in hair to her cheek, cupping her face as their mouths moved as one. It was less fierce this time, slower, gentler. Before they had both put everything into the kiss, but now it was done without haste, like they knew they had forever to stay in this moment and nothing to worry about.

When he kissed her the first time, back in the basement, he had been trying too hard to show her how he felt. Now, he completely forgot about trying to show her, because everything else melted away.

When they pulled away from each other, Derek rested his forehead against hers again and smiled. Meredith's eyes were still closed, but she was aware of the smile on his face. When he raised his head up properly, he brought his hands together around her back, interlocking his fingers. As he did this, she moved both her arms up and around his neck and did the same thing, as though she might slip away if she didn't, that this might all turn out to have been a dream she was about to wake up from.

They were both silent, not wanting to ruin the moment by saying the wrong thing. And whether it was the right thing or not, Derek voiced a question the he had truly never thought about before this moment, as he had never truly believed it would be something he needed to ask.

"What now?"

 **A/N: So we're near the end people, it's just around the corner. I'll try not to keep you waiting too long for the finale, and hopefully it lives up to your expectations. I'll be back soon with the final update, so keep an eye out for it!**


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

 **A/N: Hey guys. I'm so incredibly sorry for the delayed update. If there was a better word for sorry I'd say it. I'm hoping y'all aren't too angry about the wait. Anyway, I now present to you, the final chapter of this story. Enjoy it, take it all in; because this is the final update.**

It was late. After what happened in the parking lot of the hospital, Meredith and Derek were reluctant to say goodbye. They also knew that they had some things to talk about, so they both drove back to her house, the rain still pouring down from the sky.

At first they were silent, hadn't known what to say. They sat in the living room, a hot cup of coffee in front of each of them to ward off the cold that came with being drenched from the rain. Meredith had changed into some dry clothes, as did Derek – he had a small bag of clothes stashed here from when they would hang out until all hours of night and he needed new clothes in the morning.

After a little bit of time sitting in silence, Meredith got up to refill her coffee. When she came back, Derek was lying back on the couch. She set her mug down on the table and hesitated for a moment, then laid down on the remaining strip of cushions. Derek turned onto his side and backed himself up so she had more room. Taking up the last of the empty space, Meredith also landed on her side, her back completely to Derek. Her head rested in front of his chest and she could hear his heart beating, slow and rhythmic. One of his arms was folded behind his head, and the other was lazily dropped over Meredith's side, his hand landing on the edge of the couch on the other side of her. One of her arms was folded underneath her head, forming a sort of pillow, while the other was curled up into her chest.

They had lain around like this before – leaning against each other on the couch, shared the large chair, fallen asleep beside each other while watching tv. This time was different though. It seemed more intimate somehow.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice sounded small, childlike, almost. She was about to say something she knew could ruin what had happened between them tonight, but she had to say it. She couldn't keep it inside and then have it come up again later as an excuse, or something to be used against him in an argument.

"Mhm?" It wasn't much, but it was enough. He was probably tired, or just didn't have the effort to say something real. Or maybe he was just being lazy. All were equally possible in Meredith's mind.

"If we're gonna do this," she paused, waiting to see if he would interject as to what 'this' was. He didn't say anything, so she kept going. "Then there's something I need to say."

She could feel Derek nod his head. "Okay. What is it?" He didn't sound concerned or nervous or afraid, he sounded calm. Casual.

Meredith sucked in a breath, knowing that once she said this she couldn't take it back. It was true, but that didn't make it any easier to say. When she finally spoke, her tongue felt heavy and her mouth went dry, as though they were resisting the words she was trying to say. "I don't know if I can forgive you for what you did. You know, with the Grace Mitchell case and stuff. I'm not holding it against you, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget about it, what you did."

She felt Derek tense behind her and wondered if maybe she shouldn't have said anything, or waited longer to say it. But she also felt his arm tighten around her rather than simply being draped over her side, like he was afraid she would disappear, and she wasn't sure anymore.

She felt him release a long breath against the top of her head and she wondered if maybe he was thinking, but he spoke a few seconds later. "I know that what I did was wrong. And it's okay if you want to hold it against me because I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to. If I could go back and have done something different, I would. But I can't. So if you need me to keep apologising or do something to make it up to you I will, just tell me and – "

"No, I don't hold it against you."

Though she couldn't see him, Meredith knew there was a look of confusion on his face. In the back of her mind she could see his furrowed eyebrows, the scar on his forehead crinkling, his crooked smirk of misunderstanding, and the still look that came into his eyes when he didn't know what was going on. "But you said – "

"I know what I said." She paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. She took a deep breath and smiled ever so slightly. Her mind was racing, and she knew what she wanted to say but was having a hard time forming the words. Derek seemed to know she was struggling because while his arm had already tightened around her, her silence lead to him rubbing his hand up and down her stomach, going from just below her belly button and up to where her elbow was from tucking her hand into her chest. She shivered at this action, but it comforted her and helped her to find the words she wanted to say.

"I know what I said, but that doesn't mean I don't want you in my life. You're my best friend Derek and I need you. I don't know if I can forgive you, but it doesn't mean anything. It was one bad thing you did, and even though it was kinda terrible, it doesn't change how I feel."

Meredith released a breath and Derek stayed silent, not sure if she had anything else to say. Remaining silent for a few moments, Meredith could feel Derek breathing behind her and feel his heart beating steadily against her, and she wasn't sure if it comforted her or made her anxious. Closing her eyes momentarily, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Opening her eyes again, she turned onto her left side to face Derek.

He loosened his arm around her to allow her to roll over more easily. Once she was facing him, she brought her arm up and propped herself up on her elbow, the other arm resting between their chests. As soon as she stopped moving, comfortable in her position, he threw his arm back over again, his hand against her back.

She looked up at him somewhat nervously and sighed. "I can't forget. But I can put it behind me." was all she said. She didn't feel the need to say more than that.

Derek looked at her, _really_ looked at her, and saw that it was true; while she couldn't forget the horrible thing he'd done, he knew that she would be able to leave it in the past. He smiled at her gratefully. "Thank you, Meredith."

She nodded and he leaned towards her, lightly brushing his lips against hers. She leaned into the kiss and the hand on her back pulled her closer. His fingers began moving in a slow circle. Her arm, previously resting between them, moved up and she brought it around his neck. At this movement he brought his other hand to her cheek and leaned his body towards her. Her response to this was to slide down and over slightly, and he slid over as well so he was on top of her.

The hand that was on her back moved to her waist, the hand on her cheek sliding around to the back of her head. She kept her one hand around his neck and the other went to his back. The kiss was gentle but passionate, and they both forgot everything in that moment. Their bodies melded together, and they moved as one. The rain was still coming down outside, and the last things either of them remember before falling asleep on the couch together was the sound of the rain and the heat emanating from each other's bodies.

~0~

The next day, Meredith and Derek walked into the hospital together as they had hundreds of times before. The only thing that was different this time was that they were standing shoulder to shoulder. They both longed to reach out and hold the other's hand, but had agreed not to until they did what they knew they had to do; talk to the chief.

Before either of them headed for their respective locker rooms to get changed for the day, they walked up to the chief's office. He didn't know they were coming, so they prepared themselves for a possible outrage.

Stopping a few feet away from the door, Derek turned to Meredith, who had been shaking with nerves since they woke up on the couch, George and Izzie already gone. They agreed that Richard needed to know about… whatever this was, but she was still really nervous. She was an intern and he was an attending, and the rumor mill at this hospital never stopped moving. As much as they wanted to be able to openly be together, they didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think that she was with him to get ahead. Because she wasn't. He loved her, and she loved him.

"Are you sure you're ready to tell him?" Meredith looked into his deep blue eyes and sighed. She was scared and nervous, yes, but she wanted to do this. She didn't want to miss out on any more time with Derek as they were now.

She nodded and Derek smiled. There was no one around, so it was safe for him to step towards her, loosely wrap an arm around her, and kiss her forehead. He reluctantly pulled away and his arm hesitated at her wrist. She smiled at him, though it looked somewhat forced, and he let his arm fall to his side.

Knocking on the door, both of them held their breath, nervous about what would happen. There were a few seconds before they heard the chief yell from inside his office. "Come in." he said in his usual professional tone. Meredith and Derek looked at each other for a brief second before opening the door and stepping inside, then closing the door.

Richard looked up and smiled at them. He took off his glasses and put them down on his desk in front of him, setting the papers he was looking at aside and folding his hands on his desk. He had a friendly expression on his face and looked at them curiously, knowing that what Derek had asked him to would have put a strain on their friendship, and that it would have angered her. So seeing them together like this puzzled him ever so slightly. "What can I do for you?"

Meredith stayed silent and still, paralyzed. She had no idea what to say and she was frozen in fear. She was suddenly regretting their decision to talking to the chief. She wanted to be with Derek but felt like it was a bad idea to tell Webber so soon. They had only gotten together yesterday, and though they weren't moving that fast, this was a big step to take. Beside her, Derek was swaying back and forth, like he often did when he was nervous. He didn't say anything either, and this made Meredith panic. She couldn't say anything, so she wasn't able to cover for his silence, and apparently vice versa. Their silence must have worried Dr. Webber, because his eyebrows were furrowed and he leaned forward, encouraging them to tell him what was going on.

"Is something wrong?" he asked in a slightly worried tone. The look on his face made Meredith's stomach churn and her palms started sweating. Derek felt his heart start beating rapidly and his mouth went dry. Richard looked back and forth between them, concern in his eyes. "Derek, what's going on?"

Derek licked his lips and glanced over at Meredith beside him. She was staring back at him, unblinking, silent. Derek looked back to Richard and took a deep breath. "There's nothing wrong, there's just something we need to tell you." He said it softly and slowly, not wanting to freak the chief out or worry him any more than they already had. This was ineffective though because he got up and stood behind the chair he was just sitting in, his hands on top of the back rest. He didn't say anything, he just waited for an explanation. When Derek opened his mouth and no sound came out, Richard's eyes flicked to Meredith.

"Meredith?"

She was silent. Looking over at Derek, she sucked in a breath. Derek was looking back at her and the look in his eyes told her he had no idea what to say. She pried her eyes away and brought them back to the chief, unsure of how to start.

"Well um, you see chief, Derek and I, er, we…"

Richard raised his eyebrows when she didn't continue. She knew what she needed to say, but it wouldn't come out. For some reason she could not say what they planned on telling him when they left this morning. She looked to Derek for help, but he didn't say anything. Looking back at Richard, she opened her mouth to speak but didn't, because she was surprised by Derek wrapping his arm around her, his hand landing on her waist on the opposite side that was touching him. He didn't say anything to go with it, he just completed the movement.

Richard's eyes found their way to Derek's hand and the intimate contact it was making with Meredith. His gaze lingered on Derek's hand for a minute or so without saying anything. They didn't say anything either, waiting to see if he would say something.

When he brought his eyes back up to the doctors standing in front of him, Richard had a blank expression on his face. Meredith's breath got caught in her throat and Derek's arm tightened around her, though he didn't pull her any closer to him. They waited for him to speak, not wanting to say anything before he did.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Richard's expression didn't reveal anything about what he thought. Meredith swallowed past the lump in her throat, trying to decipher the look on his face. Derek, on the other hand, was avoiding eye contact with the older man, not wanting to hear anything bad or receive a lecture about how Richard knew this would only blow up in their faces and be bad for both of them in the end.

Which is why he was surprised by the words that came out of his mouth when he finally did speak.

"Well, I knew this was going to happen, and while I'm not totally sure about it, I think that you two are good. I'm pretty sure everyone does." He said it with a tone that was part hesitation part empathy. Meredith was clearly just as surprised by his words, because she took a sharp inhale at his words, as though she hadn't been breathing while waiting for him to say something.

He chuckled, their reactions amusing him. Derek knew that Richard was suspicious of what was going on between them, and had been for quite some time, so the shock that came over them at his words was entertaining.

Derek moved his arm from around Meredith's back to around her shoulders, pulling her closer with this action unlike the last time. She gladly side-stepped towards him and leaned against his side. Neither of them said anything because the didn't know what to say. They were both speechless, flabbergasted, even. Of all the things they thought the chief was going to say, that was not one of them.

Richard laughed again at their silence and walked around to the front of his desk, leaning against it. He folded his arms over his chest again, but that seemed to be one of his habits, as he did it quite often.

Staring back at their shocked expressions, Richard exhaled slowly and loudly. "Look you two, I want you to know that while I think you are good together, that doesn't mean everyone else will see things the same way. There will be jealous people, people who think that you," he pointed to Meredith, "are trying to get ahead, and that you," he pointed to Derek, "are taking advantage of her. You need to be ready for any backlash that you might receive from the other doctors and the nurses. There will be gossip and there will be rumors."

Derek nodded and Meredith looked at her feet, knowing that it was true and she would become the topic of conversation among the other interns when they all found out what was going on with them. Between the interns and the nurses, gossip was a dangerous thing in this building. It could tear down reputations and make people social pariahs. This was risky, coming out and telling people. They knew that they didn't have to tell anyone other than the chief right now, but they both wanted to get it out of the way so that they didn't have to sneak around. Besides, Meredith's friends didn't know how to keep their mouths shut and if anyone heard news of their relationship from them, rumors would be created, and the truth would be lost. Not that it was any of anyone else's business.

They both remained quiet, waiting to see if the chief had anything else to say before they spoke. He did, only he spoke directly to Meredith, not to both of them. "Meredith, I need to know that you want this. I need to know that you aren't being pressured into anything. I know that Derek is a good man and that his feelings for you are genuine, but I don't want you getting into anything that you aren't ready for or that you don't actually want. You've been like a daughter to me, and since your mother isn't here to do it, I need to keep and eye you and make sure that you're okay."

Meredith nodded and felt tears pricking her eyes. She had never known that Richard saw her like that, even though she knew what happened between him and Ellis when she was only a little girl. She thought that he left and never gave either of them another thought ever again, that he left them and never looked back. She was wrong. "Yes, Dr. Webber. I want this. I love him, I really do."

Richard nodded his head then looked over at Derek, who was waiting for a lecture about not hurting her and that if he did he would be hurt too. That isn't what he got though. "You need to take care of her. I know you're a good person and I know how much you love her. It's always been clear to me. Don't do anything stupid and screw this up. You'll never find anyone else like her, so be smart about this."

Derek nodded too, and he smiled. Richard smiled back and spoke again. "And just so we're clear, there will be no favouritism when it comes to who is on your service. I know that Meredith is interested in going into neuro, but that doesn't mean she can always be with you. There will have to be a constant rotation, and when you get to choose who is on your service, you will keep your selection wide. Is that clear?"

Derek nodded again. "Yes sir."

Richard nodded and said "okay" in a flat but happy voice. He smiled at them and got up from where he was leaning against the side of his desk. To Derek and Meredith's surprise, he stepped towards them and held his hand out to Derek. He pulled his hand away from Meredith and stretched it out to take Richard's. There was a quick handshake that made Derek think of what would happen when a man met his daughter's boyfriend for the first time. It wasn't intimidating, it just made Derek a tad nervous. Meredith laughed at the fatherly gesture. Richard then moved towards her and gave her a hug, another parental action. She smiled, and she could see that Derek did too out the corner of her eye.

When Richard released her, he walked back around the desk and sat down again. Without saying anything else, he waved them out and they walked out the door.

Stopping on the other side of the closed door, Derek and Meredith both let out a relieved laugh, smiling widely.

"I was not expecting that." Meredith said through her smile. Derek nodded in agreement, laughing as well. "I know. I don't know what I thought he was going to do or say, but that definitely wasn't it."

They laughed again and then Derek took a step towards her. He brought his gaze down to hers and smiled. She smiled back up at him and hugged him. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and smiled over her shoulder. When they pulled away from each other, their smiles had gotten smaller, but they were still there.

Turning to walk down the hall, there was a slight hesitation for them to grab hold of each other's hand. While the chief hadn't expressed any disapproval, he was right about what everyone else would think. She was only an intern, so it could look like she was trying to get ahead by going out with her superior.

"You nervous?" he half asked, half stated. He knew that she was afraid of what people would think, but he didn't care anymore. People could talk, people could stare, but he wouldn't care. All he cared about was that he finally had Meredith in the way that he had always wanted to have her.

She nodded. "Yeah, a little."

Turning to face her, Derek rested his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes that were staring back into his. "Look, you don't need to worry about what anyone else has to say. Nothing they say or think matters, because we know the truth. We know everything they don't. So don't listen to anything you hear."

Meredith shrugged ever so slightly. "Then what am I supposed to listen to if I'm not listening to what other people are saying?"

Derek smiled and took a step closer to her. "Listen to your heart."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but she smiled brightly anyway. "You're such a sap sometimes, y'know that?"

Derek laughed and nodded. "One of us has to be a romantic person and it surely isn't going to be you. Besides, it's true. All that matters is what we feel and what we know is the truth. There's no need to think about what anyone else says. So don't."

Meredith smiled, and he saw a flirtatious glint in her eyes that he hadn't seen much of in all the time he'd known her. She had never been one for romantic stuff, even if it was in the movies, so seeing this look in her eyes made his heart melt. He loved her, and he loved everything about her. Considering what she had been worried about all morning, Derek was surprised when she stretched up and kissed him. He kissed her back softly and one of his hands moved to her cheek, both of her hands up and around his neck.

They pulled away quickly, not wanting to draw too much attention. Looking back at each other, they smiled and reached for each other's hand. Interlocking their fingers, they walked off down the hallway together, neither of them caring about the looks they were getting or the whispers they heard as they passed groups of people, because it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but what they felt for each other, so they kept going and let everyone whisper and stare. They didn't care what people thought.

Derek walked her to the intern locker room before walking off to his own, stopping outside the door with her for a few seconds before he went on his own way. There were people coming and going from the locker room, as there were still a few minutes before Dr. Bailey would be coming around with today's assignments.

Without saying anything, Derek brushed his lips against hers and pulled away as quickly as he leaned in. They smiled at each other and then went their separate ways, not seeing each other until the end of the day when their shifts were over.

When they did meet up at the end of the day, they were eager to see each other. There had been whispers circling all day, and a few rumors had already started. They both ignored them, not wanting or caring to hear what was being said about them.

Derek drove back to Meredith's house rather than going back to his trailer, and they were alone for maybe twenty minutes tops before George and Izzie walked through the front door. They were in the living room on the couch, and when Izzie looked into the room they were asleep. At least, she thought they were sleeping, but they weren't.

Waiting for Izzie and George to go upstairs, they only started talking when they no longer heard any footsteps coming from above them.

With Meredith's back against his chest and his arm draped over her side, they were both more comfortable than they had been in a long time. They were lost in each other, even though they weren't talking or doing anything. It was dark in the room, as Izzie had turned the light off thinking they were sleeping. They both kept their eyes closed anyway, liking the feeling of just being with each other and not having to do anything. Meredith could feel Derek's heart beating against her back and his breath on the back of her neck. Derek was calmed by her slow and rhythmic breathing, his hand moving with her abdomen as she breathed from her diaphragm. She was wearing a thin tank top, so he could feel the warmth of her skin through the fabric, meaning he could feel the goosebumps that formed across her skin whenever he began running his fingers back and forth across her stomach. The intimate action was comforting to her and made her smile.

When the silence was broken it was by Derek, and he spoke as though they were already deep in conversation. He said it quietly and delicately, almost sounding vulnerable. Meredith had only heard him speak like this a few times.

"I'm glad that Mark and Addison came to Seattle."

It was a simple enough statement, and while it made Meredith think of the disappointment that had occurred, she understood why he said that. If wasn't for them coming to work on that case, she and Derek may have never gotten together because there may have never been anything to instigate their relationship.

She smiled even though he couldn't see her do so, but it didn't matter to her. She took a breath and as she exhaled, she said "me too."

She heard and felt Derek chuckle slightly, and she did too. There was a brief second of silence following their laughter before Meredith felt Derek nuzzle his face into her hair and slide himself closer to her, his chest pressing full against her back. When he next exhaled, she shivered at his breath against her skin. The chill went down her spine and straight to her toes. She loved the feeling, and she leaned back into him. She could feel him smile into her back when she did this, and it made her smile too.

They stayed motionless in the bubble that was themselves, together as one, until they fell asleep. They were absorbed in the comfort and protection and love their relationship gave them. Neither of them would give this, right here, this moment, up for anything in the world.

Derek fell asleep before she did, the sound of his steady breathing lulling her into a sleep of her own. When she did fall asleep, it was with Derek's arm tightly around her and his face in her hair, the warmth of his body radiating into her. She had a dreamless sleep that night and slept better than she had in months.

The last thoughts that crossed Meredith's mind before she drifted off to sleep was Derek's voice saying, 'I've always known,' and thinking to herself _I have too._

 **A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading and sticking with me this far. The story wound up being longer than I thought it would be, but I've loved every minute of it. Shout out to every single one of you, because I love you all.**

 *****I believe I mentioned this at the start of the story, but I thought I would say it again; this story is dedicated to the very determined reader of my first Grey's fic, who wanted nothing more than a MerDer ending and never got it. This story was entirely for you, and I hope it was worth the wait for you. This reader knows who they are, so I think I'll just leave it at that*****

 **This is cookiemonster311 signing off.**


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